Wednesday One-Liners Keep Their Eyes Peeled for Movie Stars

Tourist backpacker with hands on subway doors: Do these open on their own?

–1 Train

Tourist mom to uncool son: Well, that's what you get for trying to be a hipster!

–Union Square Park

Overheard by: j

Tourist: Holy moly, look at that Olive Garden! It's huge! I wish I lived here!
(takes a picture of the restaurant)

–Times Square

Obese Midwestern woman to obese Midwestern man: Oooh, Applebee's… Now I feel at home here!

–Times Square

Southern tourist guy: I thought people in Greenwich Village would look stranger.

–Bleecker Street

Tourist from west coast, after observing the locals for a few innings: You know, Seinfeld makes so much more sense to me now.

–Cheap Seats, Coney Island Cyclones

Overheard by: Kevin Eliasen

Posted on November 11, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Compare/Contrast, Coney Island, Fat People, Food, Midwesterners, Moms, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Questions, Southerners, Times Square, Tourism, Tourists, TV, Union Square and East Village, Wishes & desires

Isn't That a Lil' Kim Song?

Overweight black woman #1: She's just lying on the beach now, sippin' Bahama Mamas or some shit.
Overweight black woman #2: Shoot, girl. That's the life.
Overweight black woman #1: Ah, hell no. Fuck Bahama Mamas. I need me a penis, alotta.

–St. Mark's Place & 1st

Overheard by: Danny

Posted on October 6, 2015
Black People, Drinking & Drunk People, Fat People, Insults, Penis, Union Square and East Village, Wishes & desires, Women

More of a CMT Gal, Then?

Fat chick enters store and then leaves immediately.

Dad: What’s wrong?
Fat chick: I’m too fat and poor to shop here.

–MTV store, Times Square

Posted on September 8, 2015
Diet/Weight, Fat People, Times Square

The New Wilson Phillips Song is Kinda Catchy

Anorexia: Come on baby, we gotta move.
Manboobs: Stop pulling me down, fat ass.

–Penn Station

Posted on September 1, 2015
Anorexic, Fat People, Insults, Nicknames & name calling, Penn Station

It’s a Little Service I Run. Here’s My Card

Big black lady: Oh, honey! What’s wrong, baby?
Weeping white girl: Oh… It’s nothing. I’ll be okay.
Big black lady: Boy problems?
Weeping white girl: … Yeah.
Big black lady: What did he do to you, dear? Did he… Did he beat you?
Weeping white girl, trying not to laugh: No! No, it was nothing like–
Big black lady: –Did he sleep with another woman?
Weeping white girl: No, he–
Big black lady: –Because if he did he’ll get an STD and die, don’t you worry.

–115th & Broadway

Posted on August 27, 2015
Advice, Black People, Fat People, Girls, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Infidelity, Relationships, STDs, White People

If The Facts Of Life Were Set Today, in New York

Overweight Asian lady: Excuse me, miss, I'm holding the pole, do you mind?
Black lady: I'm sorry, but there's nowhere I can move to.
Asian lady: Well, can you just please not lean on it? You're squashing my hand.
Black lady (looking at Asian lady in amazement at her audacity): What time is it?
Asian lady: I could tell you, if you would stop leaning on my hand.
Black lady: It's rush hour! If you're not ready for this go back to suburbia, bitch! This is what happens on an overcrowded train in New York City. Look at this bitch next to me, she barely fits in the door, and she's not complaining. You know why? Cause she accepts it. Cause it's a fact of life! And you takin' up the whole middle isle…shame on you…lose some weight…go back to suburbia. There's plenty of room there.

–L Train

Overheard by: that's right, rush hour is tight

Posted on August 23, 2015
Asians, Black People, Diet/Weight, Fat People, Insults, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Questions, Time

What a Drip

Fat guy: So, you think she’s going to dump you?
Skinny guy: Yeah, she doesn’t seem to like the gonorrhea. It just keeps coming back!
Fat guy: Well, that’s the thing with gonorrhea.

–Walgreens, 18th & 1st

Overheard by: Trying Not To Laugh

Posted on August 5, 2015
Fat People, Skinny People, STDs, Store

Do You Mind? This Is a Primate Conversation.

Somewhat large woman: And then the orangutan started totally groping me!
Passerby, stopping: You've got my attention.

–7th St & 1st Ave

Posted on July 30, 2015
Animals & Nature, Beastiality, Fat People, Harassment, Strangers, Union Square and East Village, Women

Oh, Location, You Make Our Jobs Too Easy.

Fat black woman #1: I tried on all their larges, and they was all tight. They don’t make sizes for real women anymore.
Fat black woman #2: That’s why all them pretty, skinny bitches in movies get killed first. No one cuts a big sister.
Fat black woman #1: Hmph… Cut them up.

–80 Broad St

Overheard by: The Pidge

Posted on July 23, 2015
Diet/Weight, Fat People, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport

Tour De Wednesday One-Liners

Large female southern tourist: It'd be really funny if we got stuck on the toilet and couldn't get up. It'd be the whole "help! Get me off this toilet!" thing.

–Bathroom, Metropolitan Museum of Art

Tourist woman to husband: Where's that cop who was here a minute ago? He gave me the wrong directions, and I wanna cuss him out for it!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Deeds

Tourist: Is this the building where people go all crazy about the numbers?

–Outside New York Stock Exchange

Overheard by: Kyle

50-something tourist husband to wife, while they share bites of same apple: I don't know why we came to this city… We can't even afford breakfast.

–34th & 7th

Posted on July 23, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Business and Commerce, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Cops, Couples, Directions, Fat People, Food, Insults, Money & Class, One-liners, Penn Station, Questions, Southerners, Stupidity, The Met, Tourism, Tourists, Travel, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport

Fat People