Homeless guy: God is love and love is god! Give me money! Love like god does!
[five minutes later]Homeless guy: God is love and love is god! Give me money! Love like god does!
Passenger: I’ll pay you to shut up.
Homeless guy: How much? I won’t accept less than ten dollars.
–F Train
Teenage JAP #1: Oh, mother of God! Your kids are driving me insane!
Teenage JAP #2: There is no mother of God, you idiot.
–Jerusalem 2 Pizza, Ave J
Overheard by: Frombklyn
Drunk girl: I don’t like god, he always tries to put it in my butt.
–D train
20-something man to friend: P.S. It was in the ass that I fucked her.
–3rd Ave
Overheard by: AdHoculi
Girl on cell: I mean, I don’t know if it’s because I like never do this or if it’s because it’s sooo big… But my ass is like really sore now! I mean, I can’t even sit down.
–UWS
Teenage girl on cell: You sound surprisingly perky for someone who just got butt raped.
–Grand Central
Overheard by: westchester girl
Young lady:… And then he jammed it in my shitbox.
–Livingston and Boerum, Brooklyn Heights
B&T suit on cell: You just have to level with her, dude. Just tell her that if she wants to land a husband in this day and age, she has to learn to like it in the butt.
–Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: David
Goatee-sporting man: …AND GOD HUMBLED HIMSELF AND BECAME ONE OF US…AND HE GAVE US FREE WILL…
Middle aged white woman: Yeah… Ummm, can you take this somewhere else?
–E train
Hipster: Percocet makes me feel like God… [drunken pause]… is rubbing my tummy.
–Restaurant, Front St, Brooklyn
Latina: I like to be comfortable when I pray, and I do not think God holds that against me.
–Thai restaurant, Astoria
Bag lady: God has always been good to me.
–6 train
Overheard by: Jeff Hubbard
Old grump: That’s the problem with kids today — they think they’re God.
–Canal St
Overheard by: Abby
Chick: I’ve determined God put me on this earth just so I can lose box cutters.
–L train
Subway preacher: God put me here to annoy the crap out of ya so that you hear his word, and believe you me, if I could I would be doing drugs, drinkin’, and fuckin’ right now… But I can’t… I just can’t, because this is my mission — to annoy ya and preach the word of God!
–R train
Six-year-old girl to mom: … And the entire neighborhood was staring at us!
Four-year-old sister: Even God! And he was still alive!
–Joralemon St & Garden Pl, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: Cara
Chick: We don’t know what’s in her head… or her throat.
–Starbucks
Overheard by: The Crazy Fairy Princess
Girl: Is that your thumb I’m feeling? Dude, that’s your thumb? What is that? Are you lying to me?
–South St Seaport
Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie
French woman: That’s not his butthole, it’s his mouth.
–Broom & Grand St
Overheard by: Kevin
Girl: Oh, so I just found out my nipples come up to my boyfriend’s bellybutton.
–9th & 3rd
Chick: Why’d you chop off both stomachs?
–69th and Amsterdam
Man on cell: Well, when you put your arm all the way in, is it slippery?
–Local 138, Ludlow St, between Rivington & Delancey
Overheard by: ashley
Hipster: When I was little and went to Sunday school my teacher told us we all have a little piece of God inside of us, and I thought, I hope I have his thumb.
–4th & Bowery
Blonde: Do you ever pray?
Brunette: Oh, I pray a lot in the shower. It’s kind of weird because then I feel like God is watching me shower, but then I remember that he’s obviously seen all that before.
–Webster’s Café, Bronx
Chick #1: So, I talked to your boy this weekend.
Chick #2: Oh, yeah? And?
Chick #1: We talked for a while, and then he fed me this line about, ‘Us being together is what God would want us to do…’
Chick #2: Shit. For real?
Chick #1: Yeah. Damn Jamaicans.
–46th & Park
Overheard by: Rainy days and mondays…
Professor hobo: Now listen, folks. You got them crazies preachin’ the end of the world. They’s saying God’s gonna come and un-begat us all the way to Adam. I’m not like that. I’m not. Listen — I’m not — so listen, okay? Listen. See, I’m a man of science. No heavenly undoing here. There’s a black hole comin’ this way. Those niggas comin’ at like a thousand light miles an hour. I don’t need no wheelchair super-talk from my computer to know that. It’ll come and it’ll steal your children. Pull ’em from bed and rape ’em and eat ’em. That’s what them black holes do. Eat you. You and your children. Science!
–7 train
