Hair

I Want to Be Loved for Who I Pretend to Be

Chick: One of my compatible matches looked like he must have been captain of his Dungeons and Dragons club back in school, and he said that he recently cut off his hair and donated it to Locks of Love, which is a nice thing to do, but then I had to imagine what he would look like with this horrible ponytail…
Guy: Like a music major ponytail, or, no– an AV Squad?
Chick: Yeah, exactly. So, needless to say, I deleted that match.
Dude with long hair, beret, beard, trench coat, and glasses standing nearby: I’m going home and changing my MySpace page right now.

–4 train

Overheard by: megwal

You Know What a Girl Mustache Means, Right?

College dude #1: You know what I hate about New York?
College dude #2: What?
College dude #1: Female mustaches.
College dude #2: You don’t think there are women with mustaches anywhere else?
College dude #1: No, but there are shitloads more here than anywhere else, and no one seems to care.
College dude #2: Touché.

–59th & 10th

Rapunzel’s Wednesday One-Liners

Black guy to redhead: If I had red hair, I think that it would make me violent!

–5th Ave, Park Slope

B&T broad on cell: Well, I have to get my hair done if we’re going to the beach!

–LIRR

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

JAP: He asked me to rub his chest hair. I was like, ‘Can I braid your chest hair, put little beads on it and make it shimmy so I can pretend I’m on vacation?’

–6 train

Girl to friend: I’d never want to be homeless, ’cause my hair would get greasy and that’d be way too uncomfortable.

–Washington Square Park

Barber cutting hippie’s hair: Well, there goes the revolution.

–Astor Barber Shop

Better Known as Stubbleday

Hoochie #1: I need to shave.
Hoochie #2: So, you’ll shave when you get back.
Hoochie #1: I can’t.
Hoochie #2: Why not?
Hoochie #1: It’s no-shave Wednesday.

–F train

Like a Tarantula Clinging to a Strawberry

Seventh grader #1: When you get a Brazilian wax they wax in your butt, too!
Seventh grader #2: I don’t think I have hair in my butt.
Seventh grader #3: Actually, one time in sixth grade you bent over and I saw it.

–Locker room, Asphalt Green, 90th & York

“I See Dyed People”

Wifey: There was another one! A dark-headed one with blonde hair!
Suit hubby: Wait… What?

–F train

Overheard by: Happy I’m not the Skunk Person

Engorged and Tingling Wednesday One-Liners

Drunk Brit with arm around ugly lady: Oh, Jesus, just walking is making me horny.

–10th & 2nd

Overheard by: emilia

Girlfriend to boyfriend: Your hair is making me horny.

–B train

Overheard by: Janelle

Guy in hoodie: I don’t know — rain gear just doesn’t really turn me on.

–Williamsburg, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Ktg

Loud woman: According to recent research, a nine-month-old fetus can experience an erection.

–Bus to Staten Island

Chick on cell: … And he was, like, rubbing his erection on me, and I was like, ‘Dude, you’re rubbing your erection on me…’

–Fordham University

Lady: What are horny men doing at Build-a-Bear, anyway?

–40th & 5th

Overheard by: don’t wanna know

I May Have Hurt Myself with the Lesbians, Then

Jock: Hey, you got a haircut.
Bored pal: Yeah, I did.
Jock: You don’t look like a lesbian anymore.
Bored pal: No, I don’t look like a lesbian.
Jock: Now you just look like a scary gay.

–Gym class, Bronx High School of Science

Overheard by: Lillian

With Considerable Waxy Buildup

Disgusted mom: I thought that old man had a Bluetooth in his ear…
Teen daughter: It wasn’t?
Disgusted mom: It was ear hair.

–Times Square

Overheard by: SurferGirl

Can’t Wait for the First White Chest Hair

Suit #1: Man, I’m so old. I have two white hairs now.
Suit #2: Aw, man.
Suit #1: I know. I mean, before I had only one white hair, but two — that totally changes everything.

–Golden Theater

Overheard by: Miranda

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