Headline Contest Winners

Then I Can’t Help You because You’re Not Real

Brit: Hello, my HSBC debit card isn’t working at the ATM. The bank probably thinks there’s fraudulent activity since I’m in America and not in England.
Teller: Okay, I’ll check it out… I can’t seem to find your account, sir. What’s your social security number?
Brit: Huh?
Teller: Your social security number — do you not have one?
Brit: No…
Teller: Hmmm. Okay…

–HSBC, 40th & 5th

Overheard by: Rachel W.

Headline by: have SSS #, am real

Runners-Up:
· “…Then Please Sing the National Anthem.” – pbump
· “How About Your Penis Size, Then?” – Mikey G.
· “I’ve Contacted Homeland Security. Enjoy Syria.” – Daniel Patterson
· “Okay I Need You to Fill Out IRS Form W-7 and Apply for a Tax Id Number and Then Come Back to This Counter in 4-6 Months.” – Ty

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I’ll Trade You Three Holes for Three Holes

Girl: I’ll have a dozen bagels.
Bagel guy: I can’t pass up on this opportunity. I have to tell you that you’re really cute.
Girl: [Blushes.]Bagel guy: Do you know what the difference between cute and not cute is?
Girl: … Nooo, what?
Bagel guy: Three bagels. [Hands girl 15 bagels.]

–Jumbo Bagels, 57th & 2nd

Overheard by: paid full price

Headline by: Billy Splatts!

Runners-Up:
· “Beauty’s in the Eye Of the Bagelholder” – JoAnne
· “Don’t Ask How I Made the Holes” – Duncan Pflaster
· “Funny, That Also Used to Be a Weight Watchers Slogan” – 2bagelscute
· “It’s Also the Difference Between Employed and Not Employed” – Caro
· “O! She Doth Teach The Toasters To Burn Bright” – Paul
· “That’s Funny Because That’s Also The Difference Between A Handjob And A Blowjob.” – BG

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Wait… a Squirrel?

Drunk guy: You know, in my next life time I want to be either reincarnated into a squirrel or into a tiny Mexican.
Drunk girl: What?! Why a tiny Mexican? Why not a tiny Asian or Caucasian?
Drunk guy: ‘Cause tiny Mexicans are awesome! They’re always funny, fit into small places, they work their asses off, and I can grow a cool mustache and get away with it! Why wouldn’t you want to be a tiny Mexican?!

–53rd & 9th

Overheard by: Javier

Headline by: R. Dilla

Runners-Up:
· “Because I Might Get Sucked Into the Leaf-blower” – bobofthejungle
· “Cause It’s Hard to Find Tiny Sombreros for Your Tiny Pepe” – Ninja Donkey
· “Plus I’d Get to Ride the Taco Bell Dog” – bob fredson
· “Plus Immigrating Via UPS Would Cost Less” – Ty
· “Regular-Sized INS Agents?” – nick
· “Yeah, but Guess What Else Is Tiny…” – Katy

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UN Negotiators Don’t Have the Tact They Used To

Vendor to lady haggling in Chinese: We’re not Chinese — we’re Vietnamese. Fuck off.

–Canal St

Overheard by: tj

Headline by: Chris

Runners-Up:
· “Don’t Make Me Shank You” – Joeritos
· “Even They Can’t Tell Each Other Apart.” – marko
· “Everyone’s a Rittle Bit Lacist” – Mikey G.
· “The Melting Pot Is Full” – Ecc
· “You Say Tǔ Dòu (potato) and I Say Khoai Tây (po-tah-to)” – H2

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If It Means You Need Your Insulin, Blink Twice

Five-year-old: Ella, ella, ella, ella, ella, ella…
Suit dad: Alright, look! I don’t know what that means, but if it’s a bad word I want you to stop saying it!

–F train, 23rd St

Overheard by: EmLo

Headline by: Lou P.

Runners-Up:
· “Don’t Fucking Sensor Me, Daddy” – burnt toast
· “Gwen Stefani, Age Five, No Doubt.” – kerm
· “I’m Going to Keep Saying My Name Until You Learn It, Daddy” – Kate
· “Stick to Words I Know, Like “Cock-fag” or “Yankees”” – Louis

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So You’re Saying You Won’t Give Me a Blowjob?

Man: So, you think I can’t understand because I don’t have a vagina?
Lesbo: Don’t sit like that!
Man: What do you mean?
Lesbo: You’re crossing your legs so condescendingly!

–Tea Lounge, Park Slope

Overheard by: Lemma

Headline by: Manbo

Runners-Up:
· “Almost Enough to Make Up for You Lack Of Vagina” – John Gray
· “I’m Just Jealous Because Mine Are Too Fat to Cross That Perfectly” – shenanigans
· “I’m Just Protecting My Tool Of Oppression.” – robs
· “Well You’re Waving Your Vagina Condescendingly” – burnt toast
· “Worst Yoga Class Ever” – benji
· “Yeah, Well Tell Your Nipples to Quit Pointing at Me” – pw

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So I Can Hit Them Up for Some Change

Jewish guy, to young white couple: Excuse me, are you Jewish?
Hobo: Man, do they fucking look Jewish?! Leave them the fuck alone, and get the hell outta here!

–9th & 2nd

Overheard by: 54

Headline by: Michael DeLong

Runners-Up:
· “Go Circumcise Somebody Else!” – John
· “Jesus Returns to Do Some Street Work” – Sim Etrias
· “Let My People Go, Bitch!” – jenna
· “Moses Had Such A Temper” – Dion
· “Sorry, Didn’t Notice He Was Short One Foreskin.” – Sheathed
· “Where Can I Get a Hobo Bodyguard?” – Ashley

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I Was Talking to Dave

Girl: There’s no way that dog’s mouth is cleaner than mine.
Guy #1: It’s true. Dogs’ mouths are cleaner.
Girl: He was just licking his ass.
Guy #2: You should lick your ass. Maybe you’d be nicer [laughs].
Guy #1: Yeah! [High fives guy #2]. Seriously, though, I’ll lick your ass if you want.
Girl: You sicken me.

–Central Park Zoo

Overheard by: Wrong place right time

Headline by: Jon A.

Runners-Up:
· “At Least Rover Licks My Ass with His Pinky Out Like a Gentleman.” – KMW
· “Central Park Zoo: The Human Exhibit” – SAtCW
· “I’m Not Hearing a “No”” – x halloween jack x
· “My Two Dads: 2007” – SAtCW

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So Get Off My Foot and Find Things That Actually Deserve to Be Crushed

Angry, sweaty man pushing through crowd: Come on, move in! There’s a lot of room in the middle!
Calm man: There’s also a lot of dreams in this world.

–2 train, 34th St

Overheard by: mf

Headline by: CVK

Runners-Up:
· “The Buddha Grows Up” – Barry P.
· “Both Require That Someone Else Gives a Fuck” – Rick Felice
· “Crowds to the Left Of Me, Dreamers to the Right, Here I Am” – Golf Widow
· “The Alternative Martin Luther King Speech” – Peter Madsen
· “Well, Get Them the Hell Out Of My Way!” – Jo

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Thanks, Dad.

45-year-old man: … And since I’m on my way to a business meeting, this drink I just bought you is tax deductible.
College girl: Well, that’s nice, I guess.
45-year-old man: Yeah, you’ve got a big butt and you’re tax deductible. That’s how I like them.

–Coffee Shop Bar, 14th St

Headline by: Snark Sloper

Runners-Up:
· “Accountant Pickup Line #65337-2366-26637-1” – Works For Me
· “Baby Got Back. — Cf, Form 1040 Schedule C Line 27” – chris
· “Monica Lewinsky: This Sounds Familiar…” – D. Kareem
· “Until She Capital Gains All That Weight” – Vasyl

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