Insults

Yeah, You Like That, Don’t You, Monkey?

Barista: So, Sutton Foster was in here the other day.
Friend: Yeah? I don’t really like her…
Barista: What are you, nuts?! She’s great! Oh! A few days ago, like, the whole cast of Spring Awakening came in.
Friend: Oh. Yeah, I didn’t like that show.
Barista, yelling: Honestly, what are you even doing here?! Do you want to be on Broadway? Is this the life you want? Christ, you would think I was talking to a monkey from Indiana.
Friend: Um, sorry?
Barista: Whatever. Forget it. You’re a waste of talent… Want some free sticky bread?

–Starbucks, 47th & 8th

And You Better Be Wearing Plastic Shoes, Bitch

Guy in fur coat handing out fur sale brochures: Sale! Sale!
Tourist girl with lollipop: Animal killer!
Guy in fur coat: You’re killing that lollipop!

–7th Ave & 25th St

Overheard by: furry

The Niceties of Wednesday One-Liners

Angry man yelling into pay phone: Do you know what extortion is? Yeah? Well, it’s not nice.

–Polish resturant, Brooklyn Heights

Bus driver: To all the nice people who didn’t curse at the bus driver, thank you.

–Bx 8 bus

Overheard by: You’re Welcome

Woman collecting money for Coalition for the Homeless: Now, you have a nice day, sir! I don’t wanna tell you have a nice day, because you’re a horrible person! You should be giving me money, but you ain’t and you’re going to hell! But I’m a good person, so I’m going to say have a nice day anyway! Have a nice day, ladies. Shalom!

–42nd & Broadway

Overheard by: Michelle Smith

Homely redhead: I started dating this new guy, and that’s really good because I haven’t dated anyone in over a year. We’ve been on two dates and he’s married and he’s really nice.

–60th & 5th

Dude: He’s a nice guy. If you cross him he’ll tie your ears together and slingshot boxes of wine in your face.

–Bleecker

Chick: She is a nice girl! Completely crazy.

–67th St stop, Queens

…Just Like It Says on Our State Crest.

Yuppie woman, bumping into hobo: Oh, I'm sorry!
Hobo, turning around and following her: That's okay! This is fucking New York! Don't apologize! Bitches be knocking into everyone all the time!

–3rd Ave & 13th St

Oooh, My First Rude New Yorker!

Suit: Hey, do you have a light?
Polite Englishman: Sorry, I don’t smoke.
Suit: I asked for a light, not your fucking life story.

–Times Square

Overheard by: English, not polite

I Been in the Back of a Lot of Trucks

Biotech #1: Jersey girls ain’t trash — trash gets picked up!
Biotech #2: Hahaha!
NJ girl passerby, defensively: I get picked up!

–Penn Station

Women Don’t Care How They Look to Men

Black guy: Why would a young black girl dye her hair blonde? Looks terrible, y’know.
Whitey: Um, yeah. Bad idea.
Black guy: Bitch looked like a burnt grilled cheese sandwich.

–One Penn Plaza

To Be Fair, It Arrives So Infrequently That Even We Forget.

Subway announcement: The next l train is now arriving on the Manhattan bound track.
Midwest tweaker, to no one in particular: Boo-yah! Buh-buh-buh boo-yah! (blows snot rocket onto subway tracks) The l train? What the fuck is that?

–Bedford L Train

Overheard by: Ben Graney

Goldfish Go Through This on a Regular Basis

Girl #1, looking at notebook her friend gave her: Hey, that's a cool notebook!
Girl #2: It's yours, silly!
Girl #1: Oh, yeah!

–City College of New York

Overheard by: Just chilling around..

Would It Be Feasible for Me to Throw Myself in Front Of My Own Train?

Conductor: This is a Manhattan-bound number three train; next stop is Sutter avenue-Rutland road; stand clear of the closing doors please.
[Doors close and open again.]Conductor: Please do not block the doors, stand clear, please.
[Doors close and open again.]Conductor: Do not block the doors. Stand clear, please.
[Doors close and open again.]Conductor: For the last motherfucking time, do not block the fucking doors! I know you ghetto-ass niggas don’t care about school, but some people want to get the fuck to work! Stand clear!
[Doors close and open again.]Conductor: I can’t fucking take this shit.

–3 Train

Overheard by: Morel Farember

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