JAPs

The First Arm’s Easy, the Second One’s a Real Problem

Long Island JAP #1: Are all New York City girls drug-addict whores?
Long Island JAP #2: Yeah, but so are girls from Long Island. There’s really no difference.
Random Upper East Side JAP: Oh my god, can I just interject for a second here? Long Island girls and New York City girls are not the same thing. It is not okay to wear Tommy Hilfiger sweatshirts, and we’re all addicted to drugs because we don’t have gross Long Island weed and coke that is ninety-nine percent baking soda. And we’re whores because we’re like a thousand times hotter than you’ll ever be, even when we’re not wearing makeup. Plus, I don’t tawk like this.
Long Island JAP #1: Wow, that was, like, seriously uncalled for.
Upper East Side JAP: Yeah well, I’d rather cut off my own arms than live in Long Island. Also, I’m just high, so don’t really pay attention to me.

–Serafina, Upper East Side

And Apparently a Contagious One

JAP #1: Oh god, it’s so funny sometimes to start a sentence with, "But I have a brain tumor!"
JAP #2: That’s so not funny.
JAP #1: But I do have a brain tumor! See? So funny!

–2 train

Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson

The Diminutive Diverts Attention from the Large Nose

JAP #1: I hate how he calls himself "Bobby" just to seem more Jewish!
JAP #2: Yeah, why isn’t he comfortable being a Bob?

–Central Park

People…People Who Read People…Are the Schmuckiest People in the World

JAP #1: Which magazine do we want — People or Us?
JAP #2: I don’t know, let’s get People.
JAP #1: Yeah, People has fewer words in it.

–Kosher Delight Restaurant, 13th Ave, Brooklyn
Headline by: Mary Beth Hanlon

Runners-Up:
· “Also Her Rationale for Rejecting the New Testament” – El Jefe
· “Also How President Bush Chooses His Speeches” – Nicole
· “Brevity Is the Soul of Twit” – Bern
· “But if You Eliminate US Magazine’s Use of ‘Brangelina,’ It’s Like 9 Words, Tops” – Riley Ray
· “But They Buy Playboy for the Articles” – Lalaith
· “Does the Menu Come on Podcast?” – Jodi
· “Jews Against ‘Wholesale Bargain’ Stereotype” – jason
· “Now if They Would Just Caption the Pictures with Other Pictures” – Gadfly22
· “Oy” – Wendy
· “Patiently Waiting Until Cheap Celebrity Gossip is Available Telepathically” – Diane

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

For the Anal Sex-Toy Fetishist Who Loves to Cook

Jewish girl: Where did you get this necklace?
Christian boy: It’s not a necklace.
Jewish girl: Oh, right! It’s those rosemary beads.

–Astoria

Overheard by: Agnostic

All the Makeup Isn’t Camouflage – It’s Just the Way They Like to Look

Suit on cell: No, she’s not ugly. She’s just a Jew.

–Water St

Wednesday One-Liners Ask: You Eating That?

JAP: Ew! I think the turkey in this salad is ham.

–30th & 7th

Overheard by: AJ Stone

Sparkling conversationalist: I couldn’t eat for a while. It destroyed my appetite, and it totally killed the tapeworm. So tonight I can eat a good amount, but not a tapeworm amount.

–Lafayette between 4th & Astor

Overheard by: uncle frank

Girl: I hate eating fish, except when my grandma makes it. She makes it taste like beef.

–Central Park

Girlfriend to boyfriend: It wasn’t just the egg roll, Jerry; it was all of last week.

–Washington Square

Discerning sniffer: It smells good in here…like Spam.

–Medical office, Canal & Bowery

Thug: Yo, do I still got mad hummus on my lip?

–F station, 2nd Ave

Overheard by: cara

Woman to little girl: You stick that in your mouth now before I shove it down your throat! I bought that ice cream, now stick it!

–11th & 1st

Overheard by: Jamieson

If You Regurgitate Them at the Same Time, Is It Brunch?

JAP #1: Yeah, I was only able to throw up breakfast and lunch today.
JAP#2: Damn! I hate when that happens.

–Bergdorf Goodman

Great, ‘Cause My Parents Would Absolutely Kill Me If I Didn’t Marry Gay

JAP: Aww, but you two would be the perfect couple!
Queer: Why?
JAP: Because you’re both gay!

–French Roast Cafe, W 11th St

Overheard by: mound charger

Witty Repartee Is One of the First Things to Go When the Brain Doesn’t Get Enough Glucose

Anorexic JAP: What, you couldn’t afford an entire outfit?
Obese woman in Britney Spears get-up: What, bitch, you couldn’t afford an entire meal?
Anorexic JAP: [silence]

–Uptown E train

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