JAPs

In the 70s They Called That a 'Nose Job'.

JAP: I did the whole Manhattan/Long Island/Westchester Jew thing this year.
Guy: How’d that work out?
JAP: I think I’m going to cut that phase in my life.

–NYU

Overheard by: A. Pincus

Headline by: Still got my original nose.

Runners-Up:
· “By Which I Mean the Inside Of My Thigh” – Tadzio
· “I Realized I Can Keep the Sense Of Entitlement Without All That Extra Work.” – stoobydoo
· “I Think Hitler Tried That Already….” – Sarah Booz
· “I’ll Tell the Guy Who’s Ghost-Writing My Autobiography Later Today” – Louis
· “JAP Code for I Was Slutty and Need an Abortion” – Casual Observer
· “Sort Of a “Lifestyle Bris”” – Chris

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Maybe He Just Likes Eating Out

JAP #1: It’s like, I don’t know if I’m that into him, but I could use a nice meal.
JAP #2: Is he into you?
JAP #1: I don’t know, he’s like, “Let’s do dinner and…whatever.”

–Fresh Bites, 57th & 6th

Wednesday One-liners, American Idols

Tourist: Oh my god! That’s Maggie Gyllenhaal. She’s like, actually walking down the street!

–Magnolia Bakery

Overheard by: Jessica Blackshear

JAP: Do not mention that freaking African queen and her recycled husband!

–The Prime Grill, 49th Street

Twentysomething woman on cell: I’m gonna be late because I had to walk Drew Barrymore’s dog.

–in front of American Apparel, 7th Ave

She Doesn’t Require Bibs Anymore

Chick #1: It’s wearing off.
Chick #2: Oh my god, it looks so good though.
Chick #1: Yeah. Botox really works.
Chick #2: My mom doesn’t need that but she really needs a neck lift.

–Sarabeth’s (East), Madison Avenue

My Daddy Says He Has a Very Expensive One on His Back

JAP #1: If you had the chance to hold a monkey, but you had to pay, like, five dollars for it, would you do it?
JAP #2: Oooh, uh-uh. Ain’t no monkey worth five dollars of my time.

–Central Park Zoo

Overheard by: sarah+ryan

They Waved at Me

Jewish girl #1: I got an ultrasound last week.
Jewish girl #2: I had an ultrasound once. I got to see my ovaries.
Jewish girl #1: How did they look?
Jewish girl #2: Really cute!

–F Train

Overheard by: forgotmyipod

Interestingly, This Is Exactly How Christianity Works

JAP: Oh my god, I totally have to go to my cousin's birthday in a week. Like she is such a bitch!
Follower: I hate her because you hate her.
JAP: What? I don't hate her, she is just a little bitch.
Follower: Like, what's the difference?
JAP, walking away: The difference is you are no longer my friend and luckily you are sooo replaceable.
Follower, running behind: I'm sooo sorry! Please don't do this!

–Whole Foods, Union Square

It’s Her Ex

Anorexic JAP on cell: …No money, so I stopped dating him.
Hobo: Whore.
Anorexic JAP, to hobo: Excuse me?
Hobo: Nice thighs — have another doughnut.

–East Village

And What About Air? People Live in it For 80 Years Then Just Die.

JAP #1: Oh my God, alcohol kills so many people.
JAP #2: Ok, you know water kills more people than alcohol.
JAP #1: What are you talking about?
JAP #2: You’re so stupid! Don’t you remember the floods?

–Union Square

Overheard by: bob

I Would Shave, Though

Queer hipster: Do my labia look too puffy?
JAP: What?
Queer hipster: My labia!
JAP: What the hell did you just say? I can’t hear you.
Queer hipster: My va-gi-na lips! Do they look too puffy?
JAP: Oh… No, not at all.

–Ben & Jerry’s

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