Abort Playdate! Abort Playdate!

Little girl #1: Guess what my mom told me that your mom told her the other day when we were playing? She had another baby before you and it died!
Little girl #2: No, my mom said that I’m the oldest.
Little girl #1: You are now ’cause the other one died. She died before she was even born!
Little girl #2: That’s impossible! You can’t die before you are born!
Little girl #1: Yes you can. You can die before you are born, while you are born, or after. You can die at any time and you don’t even have to do anything bad.
Little girl #2: I don’t want to play with you anymore.

–Manhattan bound F train
Headline by: Krista

Runners-Up:
· “At her house, Zoloft is served at snacktime” – Krisztina
· “Debbie Downer: The Early Years” – E
· “Did I say something wrong?” – PJ
· “Playtime With Wednesday Addams” – Gabbertoons
· “Sartre’s Daughter Had A Hard Time Making Friends” – xavier
· “She was later known as the girl who kicked pregnant women in the stomach “just to see what happened”” – Danielle
· “Sylvia Plath Never Did Get Along With The Other Kids” – Ariel
· “Was it something I said?” – Jared
· “Welcome to Ayn Rand Kindergarten” – Emily
· “When playdates go bad… next on Springer” – Jenn

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Posted on March 31, 2015
Death, Headline Contest Winners, Kids, On the Subway

Can We at Least Agree That We Both Hate Freedom?

Little boy with toy machine gun #1: I'm the traitor!
Little boy with toy machine gun #2: I'm the traitor!
Little boy with toy machine gun #1: I'm the traitor!
Little boy with toy machine gun #2: I'm the traitor!
(repeated over and over)

–Marine Park, Brooklyn

Posted on March 31, 2015
Brooklyn, Kids, Parks, Weapons, Weirdness

According to Unsupported Facts Monthly

Girl #1: You know a lot of gays are really straight.
Girl #2: How so?
Girl #1: Most of them want kids.

–Downtown 1 Train

Posted on March 30, 2015
Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Kids, On the Subway, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Sexuality, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

And No Way You’re Getting My Kickball in the Settlement

Nanny to boy blocking slide: Hi, are you going down the slide?
(kid shakes head)
Nanny: Well, can we get past you?
(kid shakes head)
Three-year-old friend: Sam, share.
(Sam shakes head)
Three-year-old friend: Sam, share or I will leave you.

–69th & West End

Posted on March 28, 2015
Boys, Default, Friends, Kids, Offers and requests, Questions, Threats, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

Ask Unspeakable Questions…

Father in a playful voice: Vagina? What’s in your vagina?
Four-year-old daughter: A wedgie!

–Canal & Bowery

Overheard by: NikkI W.

Posted on March 27, 2015
Dads, Kids, Questions, Vagina

Stuart Is Fed, Bathed, and Tutored by an I-Book

Woman in ad on TV: ‘Watch these wrinkles disappear–‘
Little boy nearby: –With Photoshop!

–Webster & Tremont, Bronx

Posted on March 26, 2015
Gadgets, Kids, The Bronx

Wasn’t This an In Living Color Skit?

Black Santa takes off his beard, puts a cigarette in his mouth and starts to adjust his crotch.

Little girl in stroller: Daddy, why is Santa smoking?
Daddy: Well, obviously it’s a fake Santa…
Other passersby, scolding: Santa!
Black Santa: What? Santa’s gotta friggin’ fix himself sometimes, don’t he?

–Rockefeller Christmas tree

Overheard by: Megan Cowles

Posted on March 25, 2015
Actors, Black People, Christianity, Comebacks, Dads, Girls, Guys, Holidays, Kids, Private Parts, Questions, Rockefeller Center, Smoking

Wednesday One-liners Just Don’t Understand

Man: How do you get suspended on the first day of school in first grade?

–Lobby, Madison & 27th

Posted on March 24, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Buildings, Crime and Punishment, Elementary & Middle School, Kids, Manhattan, Men, People, Places, Should've Used a Condom, Topics, Union Square and East Village, Venues

Wednesday One-Liners Suffer the Heartache of Gringo Hips

Four-year-old girl to nanny: No, princesses don't get tickled. They just dance and get married.

–North Williamsburg

Overheard by: anti-feminist

White girl in hoodie: If I see any of the other girls there want to dance with you they'd better watch out, 'cause it's stab-a-slut Sunday.

–J Train

Short guy with greasy hair: Yo, this girl was like, "wanna dance?" and I was like "okay," so she started dancing mad good. She was grinding up against me with her ass.

–3rd Ave & 71st, Brooklyn

Gay guy on cell in long line during Circuit City closeout: Does it have speakers? Because I like to dance in my room, and I like to feel the music. It's really cold, so I like to dance in my room, you know?

–Circuit City, Union Square

Drunk girl to Guido she knocked heads with while dancing: I'm a drinker, not a dancer!

–Hook & Ladder Pub, Murray Hill

Overheard by: also a drinker

Professor: I'm of the personal opinion that anything counts for art. Take, for example, Nelly's "Hot in Here." We have an admonition of certain weather conditions and an entreaty for certain members of a demographic to react within a certain way, and a compliant voice replies, "I am getting so hot, I'm gonna take my clothes off." This piece of art demonstrates how much easier life would be if getting a woman naked was that easy. And also, it makes me dance, and as we know, hips don't lie.

–NYU Bobst Library

Overheard by: queenofscots

Posted on March 24, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Arts & Letters, Ass, Bars & Clubs, Brooklyn, Clothing, Dancing, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Girls, Guidos, Guys, Kids, Library, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Music, Nicknames & name calling, Nudity, NYU, On Cell, On the Subway, Queer guys, Questions, Sex, Stab, Store, Street, Stupidity, Teachers/Professors, Threats, Union Square and East Village, Weather, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, White People, Williamsburg, Wishes & desires