Love

Wednesday Blood-Liners

British lady: It must have eaten some rat poison, because it vomited up its innards and then had just enough strength left to crawl to the door before dying in a dainty pool of blood.

–1 train

Teacher to girl who just cut herself with Exacto knife: Would you stop leaking?! Your blood is going to stain the linoleum!

–Bronx Science engineering class

Overheard by: LSB

Suit on cell: Why isn’t it done? Why isn’t it fucking done? Was it your intention to make my ass bleed today? Was it?

–41st & Broadway

Girl: My grandma always washes my bloody underwear.

–1 train

Guy to girlfriend: Your hair tastes like fake blood.

–Mulberry St

Overheard by: Ashley

Teen chick on cell: I’m going to cut my arm tonight to show you how much I love you! Yes! I’m going to cut it off! Yes! I’m going to wipe all the blood on a napkin and give it to you. How much blood there is is how much I love you… Yes! I! Am! Well, I can’t think of another way to show you how much I love you. I have to prove it somehow! Oh, I have another call, I gotta go.

–Staten Island Ferry Terminal

Overheard by: still recovering

Hobo, taking long drink from water fountain: Ahhh, water is good! It tastes like blood!

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Oh My God

Everybody Loves Wednesday One-Liners

Teacher: Class, let’s get a show of hands — how many of you aren’t loved by your parents? C’mon, someone must be lying here.

–LaGuardia High

Overheard by: mf

Man: This yogurt’s great. My cat loves it — makes him poop like a reindeer.

–Grocery store, 45th & Ditmars

Overheard by: Bob Going

Professor: I love mass law breaking. We should break social contract and go on a class trip to a bar so that I can get my dumb ass fired.

–NYU Silver Center

Lady on cell: He only backs out because he loves you.

–34th & Broadway

Hobo to bag lady: I love ya. Of course I love ya. You want me to fuck ya? I’ll fuck ya right now.

–30th & 7th

Aussie babe watching crying model dressed as a man on Top Model: I love it when they’re upset and dressed up in funny costumes!

–Berry & N 1st, Williamsburg

Girl: I’m not mean! I love everyone. I don’t like everyone… It’s a Christian thing.

–Palladium dorm, NYU

And So, the First Layer of Scar Tissue Forms on the Heart

Father: Come on, hurry up, we’re gonna be late!
Three-year-old son: But Dad… [Tugs at dad’s coat.]Father: What did I just say? Not now!
Three-year-old son: But, but it’s important–
Father: It better be the most fucking important thing in the world if you’re gonna keep slowing me down!
Three-year-old son: But it is important!
Father: Fine! [Stops walking.] Well, what is it then, if it’s the most important thing in the world?
Three-year-old son: I love you.
Father, after a pause: Well, that’s great, but this is not the time for love, okay? Got it?
Three-year-old son: I guess so…

–5th & 7th, Park Slope

Overheard by: Mike N

Since the Dutch, Really

Girl to man who held door for her: Thank you.
Man: I love you.
Girl to friend: Nobody in New York has any respect anymore.

–Barnes & Noble, 82nd St

Overheard by: Elise C-K

Jake: Man, That Chick Only Looks Good When I’m Drunk

Chick #1: Pretty much every girl will sleep with anybody if she’s got a few drinks in her. But there are only, like, one or two guys she’ll have sober sex with. Right this moment, the only person I’d want to have sober sex with is Jake.
Chick #2: Why?
Chick #1: Because I’m fucking in love with him.

–R train

We Heart Wednesday One-Liners

Hobo: Why is love so goddamn expensive?

–Outside MoMA

Overheard by: Chris

Drunk ghetto girl screaming into cell: He told me he loved me and this and that… And this and that, dammit! And then his cock was in her, and I was like, ‘Whoa, are you with me or not?!’ So I pulled her weave out and– Hello? Are you still there?

–Bushwick, Brooklyn

Overheard by: I just wanted to sleep

WASP suit: The newspaper made me fall in love with Brad Pitt.

–53rd & Lex

Overheard by: not in love with brad pitt

Little girl: I love you, brain.

–87th & York

Girl on cell: Tell your man to stay out of my business, or I’ll break his jaw. I’ll break his jaw again! I don’t need the love of a man, I’ve got my mother and Jesus to fuckin’ love me. I can meet people — I’ve got MySpace, AOL, IM, and I can chat!

–Subway station, Canal St

Long Hair and Exotic Good Looks, Notwithstanding

Guy #1: Sounds like she really misses you.
Guy #2: Yeah, she does, but what am I supposed to do? If you’re not happy, you’re not happy. What? Am I supposed to suffer just to make her happy? I’m not Jesus.

–Grand Central

Overheard by: Vivek

And They Say Romance Is Dead

Queer #1: I can’t believe he did that.
Queer #2: What? If you wanted me to pee on you, I would. That’s how much I love you.

–Greenwich Ave & Perry

Overheard by: John

Not Even if I Tied you to a Chair, Sawed Off Your Legs, and Twirled Them Like Batons?

Girlfriend: Will you love me forever and ever?
Boyfriend: Yes, even if you broke up with me and shot me and cut me into little bits and set the bits on fire.
Girlfriend: I would never break up with you.

–Central Park

Luke…. I Am Your Wednesday-One-Liners

Jappy Teenage daughter: Daddeeee! I want you to get rid of sweat.

–50th & 8th

Overheard by: Lord…

Black woman on cell: I don’t like big, Black, aggressive men. I like light-skinned men, cause I’m Jamaican. I just found out I’m Jamaican like five years ago. My mom told me the guy who I thought was my father is not my real father. But you know, I don’t hold nothing against him. Dude paid child support and shit.

–Queens bound 7 Train

Hoochie with baby: As soon as he came outta me and I saw what color he was, oh no, I knew who his daddy was. But I love the shit outta my son.

–R Train

Little girl: When I don’t want to listen to my dad I just say ‘Talk to the hand!’

–Wooster St & Spring St

Little kid in stroller: Dad, is this us?

–Inside subway car on NYC subway IRT line at 34 thst stop

Overheard by: Steve Grant

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