Everybody Loves Wednesday One-Liners

Teacher: Class, let’s get a show of hands — how many of you aren’t loved by your parents? C’mon, someone must be lying here.

–LaGuardia High

Overheard by: mf

Man: This yogurt’s great. My cat loves it — makes him poop like a reindeer.

–Grocery store, 45th & Ditmars

Overheard by: Bob Going

Professor: I love mass law breaking. We should break social contract and go on a class trip to a bar so that I can get my dumb ass fired.

–NYU Silver Center

Lady on cell: He only backs out because he loves you.

–34th & Broadway

Hobo to bag lady: I love ya. Of course I love ya. You want me to fuck ya? I’ll fuck ya right now.

–30th & 7th

Aussie babe watching crying model dressed as a man on Top Model: I love it when they’re upset and dressed up in funny costumes!

–Berry & N 1st, Williamsburg

Girl: I’m not mean! I love everyone. I don’t like everyone… It’s a Christian thing.

–Palladium dorm, NYU

Posted on May 9, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, Love, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

And So, the First Layer of Scar Tissue Forms on the Heart

Father: Come on, hurry up, we’re gonna be late!
Three-year-old son: But Dad… [Tugs at dad’s coat.]Father: What did I just say? Not now!
Three-year-old son: But, but it’s important–
Father: It better be the most fucking important thing in the world if you’re gonna keep slowing me down!
Three-year-old son: But it is important!
Father: Fine! [Stops walking.] Well, what is it then, if it’s the most important thing in the world?
Three-year-old son: I love you.
Father, after a pause: Well, that’s great, but this is not the time for love, okay? Got it?
Three-year-old son: I guess so…

–5th & 7th, Park Slope

Overheard by: Mike N

Posted on April 3, 2007
Assholes, Dads, Kids, Love, Park Slope

Since the Dutch, Really

Girl to man who held door for her: Thank you.
Man: I love you.
Girl to friend: Nobody in New York has any respect anymore.

–Barnes & Noble, 82nd St

Overheard by: Elise C-K

Posted on February 27, 2007
Biotechs, Friends, Girls, Love, Men, Nice People, One-liners, Only in New York, Store

Jake: Man, That Chick Only Looks Good When I’m Drunk

Chick #1: Pretty much every girl will sleep with anybody if she’s got a few drinks in her. But there are only, like, one or two guys she’ll have sober sex with. Right this moment, the only person I’d want to have sober sex with is Jake.
Chick #2: Why?
Chick #1: Because I’m fucking in love with him.

–R train

Posted on February 20, 2007
Bimbettes, Drinking & Drunk People, Love, On the Subway, Philosophy, Sex

We Heart Wednesday One-Liners

Hobo: Why is love so goddamn expensive?

–Outside MoMA

Overheard by: Chris

Drunk ghetto girl screaming into cell: He told me he loved me and this and that… And this and that, dammit! And then his cock was in her, and I was like, ‘Whoa, are you with me or not?!’ So I pulled her weave out and– Hello? Are you still there?

–Bushwick, Brooklyn

Overheard by: I just wanted to sleep

WASP suit: The newspaper made me fall in love with Brad Pitt.

–53rd & Lex

Overheard by: not in love with brad pitt

Little girl: I love you, brain.

–87th & York

Girl on cell: Tell your man to stay out of my business, or I’ll break his jaw. I’ll break his jaw again! I don’t need the love of a man, I’ve got my mother and Jesus to fuckin’ love me. I can meet people — I’ve got MySpace, AOL, IM, and I can chat!

–Subway station, Canal St

Posted on January 24, 2007
Ghetto Chicks, Hobos, Kids, Love, On Cell, Suits

Long Hair and Exotic Good Looks, Notwithstanding

Guy #1: Sounds like she really misses you.
Guy #2: Yeah, she does, but what am I supposed to do? If you’re not happy, you’re not happy. What? Am I supposed to suffer just to make her happy? I’m not Jesus.

–Grand Central

Overheard by: Vivek

Posted on December 3, 2006
Advice, Breaking Up, Guys, Love

And They Say Romance Is Dead

Queer #1: I can’t believe he did that.
Queer #2: What? If you wanted me to pee on you, I would. That’s how much I love you.

–Greenwich Ave & Perry

Overheard by: John

Posted on November 24, 2006
Love, Pee, Queer guys, Sex, West Village

Not Even if I Tied you to a Chair, Sawed Off Your Legs, and Twirled Them Like Batons?

Girlfriend: Will you love me forever and ever?
Boyfriend: Yes, even if you broke up with me and shot me and cut me into little bits and set the bits on fire.
Girlfriend: I would never break up with you.

–Central Park

Posted on October 20, 2006
Breaking Up, Central Park, Couples, Love, Shoot, Stab

Luke…. I Am Your Wednesday-One-Liners

Jappy Teenage daughter: Daddeeee! I want you to get rid of sweat.

–50th & 8th

Overheard by: Lord…

Black woman on cell: I don’t like big, Black, aggressive men. I like light-skinned men, cause I’m Jamaican. I just found out I’m Jamaican like five years ago. My mom told me the guy who I thought was my father is not my real father. But you know, I don’t hold nothing against him. Dude paid child support and shit.

–Queens bound 7 Train

Hoochie with baby: As soon as he came outta me and I saw what color he was, oh no, I knew who his daddy was. But I love the shit outta my son.

–R Train

Little girl: When I don’t want to listen to my dad I just say ‘Talk to the hand!’

–Wooster St & Spring St

Little kid in stroller: Dad, is this us?

–Inside subway car on NYC subway IRT line at 34 thst stop

Overheard by: Steve Grant

Posted on October 18, 2006
All Wednesday One-Liners, Babies, Love, Money & Class, Parents, Public Transportation, Questions, Race, Sweat, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary, Wishes & desires

You Have High Denture Standards

Girlfriend: She fell off her bike and broke all her teeth, so now she has fake ones.
Boyfriend: Well, couldn’t she get white ones? I mean, were they not giving out human teeth that day?
Girlfriend, getting up and hugging him: That’s why I love you.

–Cafe Gitane, Mott & Prince

Overheard by: tea sipper

Posted on September 2, 2006
Couples, Health and Hygiene, Love, Restaurants & Cafes, Stupidity