Offers and requests

20‐something guy to five‐year‐old boy: No, Wolverine and Barack Obama are not the same person.

–Hudson Park Soccer Pitch

Overheard by: Kelli Jo

Swag guy: Get your Obama condoms, put it on when times get hard.

–7th Ave & 47th St

Overheard by: Oh no he didn’t.…

Hobo on train: Look at these two girls! If we get married we can make another Obama!

–4 Train

Cute boy: Captain Kirk is the Bush to Picard’s Obama.

–Kent Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Trekkie

Diner to companion: Since Obama’s been President, North Korea has fired like two missiles. They’re testing his foreign policy, uh, you know, they’re testing his gallstones.

–Teddy’s Restaurant, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Ken Yapelli

Sock street vendor to passersby: Socks! One dollar, one dollar! One dollar!
(nobody pays attention) Socks! One dollar! Obama! One dollar! Obama! (a few pedestrians stop to browse through his socks)

–New Chinatown, Flushing, Queens

Crackhead to French girls: This side of the station is for crackheads only. You are in violation of code 113, this area is reserved for crackheads only. So move now.

–110th St Train Station

Film man: Gimme five minutes and I’ll give you my left nut.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: S&J

Suit on cell: You hooked up with a 300‐pound girl?

–14th & 3rd Ave

Mexican guy: You look like 50 Cent. But in Mexico, your name would be 50 Pesos.

–Caliente Cab Restaurant , 488 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Mon

Thug: My wife hit me up for fitty bucks, and then my girl hit me up for another fitty bucks, and now I’m all tapped out.

–7 Train

Overheard by: Juliet

Conductor: Come on people! You were born with two eyes. If you would just use them to see that there are three different doors to the train, you would know that you’re holding people up trying to go home! Use your eyes and head and go in another door that people aren’t trying to get out of…Use the head people…Use the head!

–1 Train

Overheard by: megan

Econ major: So is that quadrillion as in past trillion?

–Classroom, NYU

Blonde coed: After he finished yelling at me for a solid ten minutes, he’s like, “So, do you want to be my girlfriend?”

–3rd Ave & 11th St

Overheard by: simon

Middle school girl to boy: I don’t normally get with sixth graders, but you’re different…

–10th St & 1st Ave

Woman on cell: You are not listening to me. (pause) When you say whatever it is you’re bitching about’, I know that you are not actually listening to me.

–Riverside Park

Guy on cell: I don’t treat you quite as bad as you say.

–Amtrak

Overheard by: Flooey

Boyfriend, about girlfriend enthusiastically cheering on Colbert: Why don’t you scream like that for me?

–The Colbert Report Set

Party girl to friend: So I asked my priest, and he said “I think you should see other people.”

–Park Ave & 29th St

Overheard by: petey

Stranger to six‐year‐old girl who is one dollar short when paying: Hey there, sweetheart! I will pay that last dollar for you. Don’t you worry.
Girl: No! You are fat!

–Dylan’s Candy Bar

Overheard by: Acrown

Customer: Yeah, can I get one for the movie where the girl’s vagina has teeth?
Box office cashier: Sorry, sir, this show’s sold out. The next one’s at 8:25.
Customer: Sold out? How many people actually want to see a movie where a girl’s vagina has teeth?

–City Cinemas, 12th St & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: SplendidConfusion

One‐armed cracked‐out dude to equally cracked‐out girlfriend: And he’s lookin’ at me like he ain’t never seen nobody stealin’ before!

–Maria Hernandez Park, Bushwick

Overheard by: matthias

Drunk man to random girl on street: I mean, I stole this girls’ shoelaces, and then she got really mad at me…

–2nd Ave & 4th St

Comedy show peddler: Who wants to buy some stolen shit? (pause) Nah, just kidding, who wants to see a comedy show?

–Times Square

Overheard by: Ali

Woman with pink hair to friend: Fuck that bitch, she still stole my clothes when I was in jail.

–6 Train

Overheard by: Renny

Man to woman, about his father: Yeah, he was so great, so smart… A drug addict. He was always there for me. Like, if I needed something, anything, he’d go steal it for me. That’s what sticks with you, you know?

–1 Train

Overheard by: RDM

Pampered Tribeca child #1: Daddy! Please!
Pampered Tribeca child #2: Daddy! Please can we have Mediterranean eggplant for dinner??
Nebbishy Tribeca dad: You know I can’t eat that! It’s a carb!

–7th Ave

Overheard by: Briguy

Puerto Rican Mets fan in day parade, singing: “Aye girl, lemme smell yo feet, aye girl lemme smell yo feet, oooh oooh oooh, lemme smell yo feet.”

–Union Square

Egg‐shaped man with cane, singing to the tune of “What a Wonderful World”: I see little boys, and little girls, they have good parents, but they get screwed up anyway… And I think to myself, I love the babies…

–L Train

Large woman, to the tune of “We Are All One Body”: “We ain’t with no retards! We man’s chil’ren of the world!” (female friend sits across from her) I wish I could fuck every girl in the world!

–Metro‐North Rail

Thug, dressed top to toe in Ed Hardy gear, singing in Eva Gabor accent: “Dahling I love you but give me Park Avenue!” 

–51st St & Park Ave

Boy in hallway, singing: “Don’t want to close my eyes, don’t wanna fall… (laughter from inside closed apartment) Heh‐heh… Shutthefuckup!

–NYU Dorm

Guy to male friend: We believe that the better you look, the more spiritual you are.

–1st St & 5th Ave., Brooklyn

Overheard by: PrairieSquid

Man collecting money for the homeless: Come on guys, I’m way too pretty to be homeless.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Dara

Middle‐aged African American male, with a blue NY Giants baseball cap on, and a fur coat: I’m pretty… I’m pretty… I’m pretty

–59th St Subway Station

Overheard by: nickporjr

Bum: Hey pretty! Hey pretty!
[Pretty girl coughs violently and sneezes at the same time.]Bum: Feel better, pretty.

–6th St & 7th Ave, Park Slope

Middle‐aged, Chelsea‐fit white guy on iPhone: Well, neither you nor any of your sisters were the beauty that I was…

–21st St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Sean

Middle‐aged man: You know who was good‐looking? Stalin, when he was younger. He was so dashing!

–104th & West End

Overheard by: communist!

Dude on cell: If he wrote a fucking haiku I would shit myself!

–50th b/w 8th & 9th

Hip dude: I was like: “Your voice is drowning me in a wave of bullshit.”

–W 4th

Customer to associate: Where can I pay for this shit?

–Apple Store, 5th Ave

Suit on cell: No, I have IBS. IBS! Ya know, Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I’ll shit when I gotta shit, and that’s the way this is gonna go!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Quippy Pasqual

am New York paper guy: Get your free am New York! They’re free because their employees get paid shit!

–53rd & 7th Ave