On Cell

Wednesday One-Liners Watch the Nature Channel

Keen observer: They’re fuckin’ cowards, man! Mountain lions are cowards, too.

–12th & Bedford, Brooklyn

Loud girl on cell: Well don’t ask me! I don’t know anything about the mechanics of whale sex!

–9th Ave

Subway conductor: Please enter the train as human beings, not wild animals.

–23rd St F station

Guy: Yeah that reminds me of my first time. He took me to dinner but was too nice and perfect. Then in bed he made animal noises and his cat was like between us and he didn’t kick it out of bed.

–Nowhere bar, 14th St between 1st and 2nd

What Would Wednesday One-Liners Do?

Teen boy: So I was watching one of those independent channels, and I saw this weird movie called Jesus Christ Superstar. Have you heard of it? It’s from the 70’s, so the camera work is really bad, but it’s not in black and white or anything. The best part is that Herod is all big and fat and he sings this funny song, like, “You’re the king of the Jews!” It’s a pretty funny movie. You know, except they, like, kill Jesus at the end.

–Q train

Overheard by: A White Bear

Girl: You know, I don’t think Jesus ever asked Mary Magdalene to kiss his balls.

–1849 Bar, Bleecker St

Drunk guy: Jesus saved me already, you fucking cunt!

–Park Slope

Overheard by: braincurve

Chick: Whatever. I could’ve annihilated Jesus at beer pong.

–Trump Building, Wall St

Overheard by: You know who

Girl on cell: Listen, the only ass I kiss is Jesus Christ. Got that?

–Key Food, 235th St

Overheard by: Miriam

Wednesday One-Liners Aren’t So Vanilla

Suit on cell: Yeah, I know. Did I tell you about the dominatrix?

–49th & 7th

Little girl, to her mother: But why is the mummy all tied up?

–Egyptian Wing, the Met

Overheard by: Erin Partridge

Hipster woman: So I think my father is into kiddie porn.

–UCBT, 26th & 8th

Overheard by: Tobster

Dude, to his female date: So, do you like to do anal? Come on, you can be honest. You’ve already blown me.

—Calle Ocho, 81st & Columbus

Overheard by: Sara

Girl: I like you. Just not in a toe-up-the-ass way.

–1 train

Overheard by: i like toes

Cute guy: I mean, shit. I was in a threesome with him. He has no right to judge me.

–34th & 8th

Wednesday One-Liners Rise from the Dead

Guy on cell: And you got the vampires from where?

–21st & 9th

Rich young woman: She’s a big-time lawyer. You wouldn’t know her name or anything, but she’s got an office in Rochester, and one in the Twin Towers.

–Metro-North train, Grand Central

Ask a Stupid Question…

Girl on cell: So, guess where I am. No, I’m coming out to visit you! Well, okay, can I stay with you for a few days? I got kicked out of my apartment. I’ll find a new one soon. Why what? Oh, why did I get kicked out? Well, I crashed my landlord’s Ferrari…Well, I was drinking. You know me!

–Penn Station, LIRR

Now We Understand Her Choice of Boyfriends

Girl on cell: Oh my god, I’ve been having the shittiest day today. No, it has nothing to do with our conversation this morning. Listen, believe it or not, I can have a shitty day that has nothing to do with you…Ugh, I have no idea why I called you. [hangs up] My fucking dad. I can’t even get a sympathy “it’s all rainbows and bunnies” phone-hug from him!

–Union Square W & 15th

Overheard by: someone who knows how she feels

Wednesday One-liners, Dates Gone Wrong

Girl on cell: The alcoholic who waved a shotgun at you on Valentine’s Day? That’s who’s taking you to the Al-Anon meeting?

–Bowery & Houston

Girl on cell: The two guys you slept with — their friend told me to tell you that he has herpes.

–42rd & Lex

Wednesday One-liners Don’t Go There

Hobo: That’s it. I’m revokin’ ya hood pass! Don’t go past a hundred and tenth!

–80th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Jeremy Cristol

White girl on cell: I can’t take the subway now, it’s 10 o’clock. I’m not black.

–67th & 2nd

You Just Can’t Get Good Help These Days

Skateboarder on cell: I was just at the spot and there was no car. Fuck, I know what a car looks like and it wasn’t there. Are you sure it was a white Lexus? Fuck you, it wasn’t there. I got eyes, you know. Well then fuck off and go buy your own damn drugs!

–3rd Ave & 9th St

It Could Be Worse (It Could Be Nerve)

Girl on cell: You have to just ask him. But you have to ask him to his face so you can see his reaction. Just look him in the eye and say, “Dad, are you on Match.com?” and see if he looks surprised. You just have to confront stuff like that.

–4th & Broadway

Overheard by: uncle frank

© 2026 OverheardinNewYork.com
Hat Tip 🎩 to The Marketing Scientist