On the Bus

Engorged and Tingling Wednesday One-Liners

Drunk Brit with arm around ugly lady: Oh, Jesus, just walking is making me horny.

–10th & 2nd

Overheard by: emilia

Girlfriend to boyfriend: Your hair is making me horny.

–B train

Overheard by: Janelle

Guy in hoodie: I don’t know — rain gear just doesn’t really turn me on.

–Williamsburg, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Ktg

Loud woman: According to recent research, a nine-month-old fetus can experience an erection.

–Bus to Staten Island

Chick on cell: … And he was, like, rubbing his erection on me, and I was like, ‘Dude, you’re rubbing your erection on me…’

–Fordham University

Lady: What are horny men doing at Build-a-Bear, anyway?

–40th & 5th

Overheard by: don’t wanna know

Blaming Everything on PMS Is #2

Thugette #1: Man, where the fuck am I gonna get a prom dress and after-party outfit? You know, I should just sell crack! Ain’t nobody gonna stop me!
Thugette #2: Yeah, that’s the best part about being a girl.

–Q46 bus

Overheard by: DaraDay

Headline by: Zorak

Runners-Up:

· “By the way, are you free to babysit that night?” – bobofthejungle

· “Miracle of birth ain’t got nothin’ on pushin'” – Erin

· “Sugar and Crack and Everything Whack” – The Trayster

· “The Third Wave of Feminism Wants Its Money, Bitch” – clevecinema

· “Well, Other Than the Multiple Orgasms…” – Teppy


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Some Things You Just Shouldn’t Joke About

Hipster chick: Hey, what do you do when Pikachu won’t get on a bus?
Thug: I dunno.
Hipster chick: You poke him on! Get it? Like Pokemon?
Thug: No, then he would thunderstrike you.
Hipster chick: [Silence.]Thug: He’s an electric type, you know?

–M14D bus, 1st Ave

Overheard by: melanie

Wait, What Have You Been Doing with It until Now?

Preschool girl: Mom, can we go to that restaurant? I’m so hungry!
Mom: No, we’re almost home.
Preschool girl: But Mom! I’m so hungry I just drank my own spit!

–M86 bus, 86th & York

Overheard by: Cynthia

I’m Never Gonna Multiply

Grunge rocker teen on cell: Oh, yeah, the book A Wrinkle in Time… It’s, like, one of those books they make you read in sixth grade… Yeah, sixth grade. Six… Like, two divided by three — six.

–Q88 bus

Overheard by: Michelle

Wednesday One-Liners for Ralph Kramden

Bus driver: This bus is making all the same stops as the subway. This bus is the train! This bus is the train! Choo-choo!

–Bus running as the 7 train

Bus driver: Step on in. Step on in. Tropical palm trees in the back.

–Q101 bus, 59th & 2nd

Overheard by: marerod

Bus driver, about blonde cop crossing street: Christie Brinkley there is looking to lock someone up so she can make detective next week.

–B75 bus, Brooklyn

Bus driver: Everybody sliiide to the left… Sliiide to the right… One hop this time!

–B44 bus

Overheard by: steph

Ballin’ driver: Dem tips are not just for the ride, they fo’ the looks. Much love!

–LaGuardia shuttle bus

Overheard by: Alex

Bus driver: Utopia!

–Q46 bus

Bus driver: Attention ladies and gentlemen, the next stop is Fifth Avenue. Please have your passports ready for inspection.

–79th St Crosstown Bus

Why the US Celebrates Mother’s Day

Mother: Oh my god, close the goddamn window! Close it!
Kid: No! I’m hot!
Mother: I swear. Oh my god, close the window!
Kid: Nooo!
Mother, moving to adjacent seat: You know what? You [points to laughing stranger] — she’s your new mommy. Listen to her.
New mommy: Boy, close that window. Oh my god, close that window!

–M60 bus to LaGuardia

Overheard by: Kevo

I’m Taking This Attribute and Running with It

Lady: Miss, would you please put that cigarette out?
Little person: Miss, mind your own business.
Lady: Well, I don’t need to breathe that. It’s not good for you.
Little person: Yeah, I hear it stunts your growth.

–Bus stop, Cross Bay Blvd & Liberty Ave

Overheard by: Vinnie

Now She Uses Knives to Cut Food Instead of Attack People

Ghetto lady: I told that bitch that she know she used to fight over the stuff and get drunk back in the ‘Sty, and she acts like she all better now she got a job than when she was smokin’ crack.
Ghetto queer: You told her — I know, I know.
Ghetto lady: Ain’t no difference. She ain’t better ’cause she got a job than when we was smoking crack. She just doin’ it different. I told her, and she didn’t like it.
Ghetto queer: She gettin’ it all twisted and shit. She ain’t doin’ it better if she has a job, just different.

–M60 bus, 125th & Lenox

All Natural 7 Up, My Ass!

Little kid: It burns! It burns! [Pauses when a lady tells him to be quiet, then] It burns! It burns! It burns!

–Bx9 bus

Overheard by: Krisztina

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