On the Bus

Old fart #1, after another exits bus: Did you hear that old fart? ‘Damn cell phones! Oughta be illegal…’ I was talking low! Not bothering him!
Old fart #2: Mmm-hmmm.
Old fart #1: Hey, the 92nd Street Y — that’s where I saw my first naked woman!
Old fart #2: When was that?
Old fart #1: When I was 46! … Nah, when I was 16 — drawing class… They were nurses.

–Bus, 86th St

Overheard by: stephie

Girl: Wow, last night I was so drunk. I can’t believe that I got so
wasted off only a pint of gin. In first year I could drink like twice that amount and party all night.
Guy: So you were hardcore then?
Girl: Naw, I wasn’t hardcore, I was just an idiot.

–NYU A bus

Guy: Have you ever drank the worm?
Girl: Oh, hell yeah. And that’s hardcore ’cause I’m a vegetarian.

–McCabe’s Liquor Store, 3rd Avenue

Woman: I assure you, every subway I ride does not have a camera.
Bus driver: The conductor has a screen in front of him; every car.

–B63 bus

Crazy vet: Hey lady, you got any kids?
Sympathetic, but slightly freaked out woman: No.
Crazy vet: You got any grandkids?
Sympathetic, but slightly freaked out woman: Yeah, I got six grandbabies.

–14 D Bus

Overheard by: Fer

Woman #1: I watched the best movie last night!
Woman #2: Oh yeah? What was it?
Woman #1: It was called To Catch a Mockingbird.
Woman #2: Did you know they made a book from that movie?

–Q55 bus

Schoolgirl: I’m the only one at school that wears wild stockings.

–M79 Bus

Overheard by: Fred Weiner

Saleswoman to customer on busy day: Some days you really should just stay at home. You’re cranky.

–Macy’s, Herald Square

Loud black lady on cell: Mothafuckah, I ain’t no one-night stand. If you think you can fuckin’ call me at 10:30 to 11:00 at night and fuckin’ pull me out of my home with my kids, then you must think I’m some other… [whispers] bitch.

–Mail room, Financial District

Woman on cell: Good, that way she won’t be able to beat on anyone else’s house guests! Let her sit at home and beat on her own house guests!

–M14 bus

Overheard by: Eyeteeth

Conductor: Jessica! Jessica! Girl, you on this train. Jessica Elizabeth! I’m taking you home, girl.

–6 train

Overheard by: fridaholic

Teen boy #1: She’s not a slave.
Teen boy #2: Slaves have a third grade reading level.
Teen boy #1: Fourth.

–B31 bus

Chick on cell: …girl, you know I told her I would give her $5 and she would put in five. Right, so the guy gave us two dimes, right?… No, he gave us the second one for free, but it looked mangled, so then we went out back to smoke it and hers flew away…Yeah, it flew away into the bushes. Yo, I told her if she wanted to smoke grass for reals, that’s on her. I was like, I’m out…Right, so then I didn’t have no money to get back on the bus because my metrocard ran out at 8:30. She only had a dollar, and I was like, “what am I supposed to do with a dollar?”.

–BX40 bus