Hobo: If anyone messes with you in the office, just take the palm of your hand an shove it into his nose. Once he messes with you he ain’t Jerry from accounting no more; he’s an assailant and the rest of the office will respect and fear you.
Woman: How did your last office job work out?
–L train
Overheard by: JDS
Woman on cell, loudly: No, no, my baby's getting fixed that day!
–5th Ave
Yuppie thug in three-piece suit, loudly on cell while riding escalator: So you sayin' it's mines? How you know it's mines? Naw naw, how you know? Bitch, kiss my ass! If they ain't been no muh-fuckin DNA test, then they ain't been no baby sprung up outta my dick! I ain't no adoption agency!
–Borders, Penn Station
Overheard by: IJustWanttoBrowseMadonna'sBrother'sTell-AllinPeace
20-something male on cell: What did I tell you about having sex with people who have babymama problems? That's why I gave up my crush on Bristol Palin.
–110th & Broadway
Overheard by: Topical
Black lady with stroller: Ohhh, no. All y'all are not fitting into this car. Stop pushin' up on my baby. Y'all need to back that shit up now. (baby starts crying) What do you want? What do you want? Are you having hot flashes? Cause I know I am. Jesus!
–Downtown 6 Train
Overheard by: Alie
Black woman: Of all his babymamas, why he alway bothering her? He has all these babymamas and he's always bugging her. She must still be puttin' out.
–34th & Broadway
Very young pregnant woman purchasing cigarettes on: What the hell kind of difference does what you eat have on what kind of baby you have?
–Nostrand & Dean, Crown Heights
Overheard by: Siobhan
20-something girl to friend: I'm sorry, but what is the big fucking deal with eating on the sidewalk? Back courtyard? Sure. Rooftop? Fuck, yeah! But the fucking sidewalk? Homeless people up in my face. Loud trucks up in my ears. Carcinogens up in my lungs. I mean… really? New Yorkers are all fucked up.
–2nd Ave b/w 6th & 7th
Overheard by: Dodd Loomis
Ditzy blond tourist: New York is the most foreign place in America I've ever been to!
–F Train
Overheard by: Chelsea S.
Indian guy on phone: I don't wanna be like the Bengali fob! I'm gonna show up and be like the original New York gangsta!
–B61 Bus
Bar customer to table next to him: I need to visit New York, everyone that visits is always happy. Everyone that lives here in New York is always miserable.
–Chambers St
Little boy, with great excitement: I just tripped in New York City!
–Times Square
Chick #1: I hate taking subways. They’re so gross!
Chick #2: I know! So many dirty, smelly people. And it’s so expensive.
Chick #1: Yeah, $2 is a lot of money.
Guy: Yeah, well, if you can find someone else to cart your ass around this city for $2, be my guest.
–2 train
Overheard by: Mikey
Woman: One more stop, but then we’ll still be really fucking far away from home.
Man: Maybe the bus will come like that [snaps fingers], just like I came this morning [snaps them again].
Woman: Shhh! There are other people on this train, you know!
Man: Oh, it doesn’t matter, no one’s listening.
–L train
Overheard by: i’m sitting right next to you
Teen girl on cell: …Can you believe he wanted me to stick my hand in there and touch it?…Yeah, I did it…Oh, it was huge! He said it was really big, but damn! And it’s long, too!…Uh, the head is an
average size, I guess…I like how it feels…Okay, why is the spotlight on me?…Different people are giving me that “what the fuck” look…Oh, shit! Ha, ha, ha! You’re right. Hold on…Chill, everyone! I’m talking about my boyfriend’s pet snake, not his
penis…Okay, continue.
–Dunkin’ Donuts, Fulton Mall
Overheard by: Shanny O.
Guy: I’m so horny, I would fuck a mule…but only if it gave me head first.
–7 train
Overheard by: Ron Jackson
Thug #1: Kelly Bundy’s dancing on Broadway.
Thug #2: She naked?
Thug #1: She broke both her legs. I think she in a wheelchair.
Thug #2: She naked?
Thug #1: I bet she dance good. She hot.
Thug #2: I’d break her clit if I had the chance.
–F train
Girl: If I hear another show tune out of context I think I’m going to vomit. Physically vomit. You know that feeling?
Guy: Uh, no.
–42nd between 9th & 10th
Guy to friend: I'm sorry. When I see tight shorts I don't think 80s hair metal.
–23rd St
Conductor: This station is Murray Hill. If you look outside your window and don't see a platform, then you can't get off. Sorry. Please walk towards the front of the train.
–LIRR
Overheard by: PW rider
NJ transit conductor: Folks, this is the 5:50 Midtown direct. We are leaving two minutes late because some of your fellow commuters would not board the train. Some people don't understand you can walk on the train. Sorry for that.
–NJ Transit, Penn Station
Overheard by: Katherine
Extremely Brooklynese conductor: Okay, we're being held up by another f and…uh…another d. Oh, jeez! Sorry, people, it's not my fault, blame the fuckin' dispatcher! (to person in the conducting booth) What?
–F Train
Overheard by: Jasper johnson
Conductor on loudspeaker: Now arriving at Penn Station. Please exit the train promptly. And to those sitting in the first two cars, sorry about the lack of lights and air conditioner. (loudspeaker turns off, after a pause back on). Actually, we're sorry about everything.
–NJ Transit, Penn Station
Overheard by: brutal commuter
Loud lady: Would you like a tissue? [Guy on phone snivels loudly, shakes head. Lady waves tissue at him.] Excuse me, here’s a tissue.
Guy, covering phone: No, thanks.
Loud lady: Please take the tissue. I hate that noise you’re making. It’s disgusting.
Guy, into phone: Nobody. I’m waiting for the train to move and some woman wants me to blow my nose.
Loud lady: It’s making me sick to look at you. You should be ashamed of yourself. Take the tissue!
Guy, to loud lady: My mom says you’re a rude bitch who should shut the fuck up and go to the next car if you don’t like it! [Lady storms off.]
–N train, Ditmars station, Astoria
Overheard by: A Mother Says What?
