Wednesday One-Liners Are Shameless Pecker Checkers

Suit on cell: I said to him, "If I had my dick out on the bar, you think she wouldn't look at it?" and he kept telling me I owed her an apology, so I said, "Sweetheart, sorry I looked at your pussy." Listen, I gotta get off the train now. I'll call you back.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Pasty

Guy standing at lowered urinal to guy standing at regular height urinal: The low urinal is for the guys with big dicks, so they don't bottom out.

–Roc Restaurant

Guy to group of friends (boisterously): I only date chicks with small hands…makes my dick look huge!

–St. Andrews Bar

Overheard by: allimax

Woman (screaming into phone): Suck my dick, bitch!

–Near Manhattan Mall

Guy shouting into cell: We got a cab. And you can eat a dick.

–Hanover & Water

Overheard by: Kaitlen

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are being delayed because some dick is holding the door. We will be moving when the dick takes his arm out the door.

–4 Train

Overheard by: jessie

Posted on May 26, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Apologies, Bars & Clubs, BJs, Dating, Guys, Insults, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, On the Subway, Penis, Public Transportation, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Stall Spies, Subway conductors, Suits, Trains Not Subway, Vagina, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Weirdness, Women

Exactly How They Do Business in Ireland

Former frat boy #1: So someone said “shots,” and someone else said “tequila,” and I said I didn't like tequila, so then I'm doing Irish Car Bombs. Next thing you know, $120 gone like that! (snaps fingers)
Former frat boy #2: Yeah, but you thought you were networking.

–7 Train

Overheard by: Barry

Posted on May 25, 2015
Drinking & Drunk People, Frat Boys, Money & Class, On the Subway, Stupidity

Nothing Like a Public Existential Crisis

Conductor #1, over PA: This train will make all express stops to Stillwell Avenue.
Conductor #2, over PA: What does that mean?

–Coney Island-bound F train, 4th Ave

Overheard by: I know I’m getting off at 7th Ave., and I don’t even work for MTA!

Posted on May 25, 2015
Conductors, Directions, On the Subway

“Roly Poly” Isn’t a Very Funny Pet Name

Guy #1: Dude, you’re fat as shit and getting balder by the minute, you really need to lock her in.
Guy #2: I don’t know man, she is super cool. She’s just so sensitive about everything.
Guy #1: Like what?
Guy #2: I make jokes that she doesn’t understand and gets mad really easily and takes everything so personal.
Guy #1: What do you mean?
Guy #2: Well…I guess she just doesn’t like it when I make fun of her.

–4 train

Posted on May 25, 2015
Friends, Gender issues, Marriage, On the Subway, Relationships

Colonel Sanders Eventually Got His Sales Pitch Juuuust Right

Crazy stranger: Hey kid, you're a total cunt!
16-year-old: Gee…thanks, mister.
Crazy stranger: No problem. You like chicken?

–6 Train

Posted on May 25, 2015
Crazies, Crazy, Food, Insults, On the Subway, Strangers, Teens

And Naturally Combative.

Teen girl: Don't you like how my bracelet matches my shirt?
Boyfriend: Are you serious? They don't match.
Teen girl: Yes they do! What's wrong with you?
Boyfriend: I'm color blind.

–L Train

Posted on May 24, 2015
Boyfriends, Clothing, Colors, Handicaps, On the Subway, Teens

Especially When the Bears Catch You Eating Their Porridge

Jamaican man, talking to himself: At the next stop I'm going to be white with blue eyes and blond hair.
Trashy, red-lipsticked middle-aged white woman with blue eyes and blonde hair: I can tell you from experience it's not all that.

–Downtown N Train

Overheard by: veronica

Posted on May 23, 2015
Colors, Hair, Men, On the Subway, Physical appearance, Race, White People, Women

Left Him Crying in a Puddle Of His Own Urine

Hipster chick: He thought that by “phone sex” I meant “phone hanging out chat time”.
Friend: Bo-ring.
Hipster chick: I basically phone raped him.

–L Train

Posted on May 23, 2015
Compare/Contrast, Default, Friends, Girls, Hipsters, On the Subway, Relationships, Words

Presenting the Wednesday One-Liners Lollipop

Girl: He’s like, "Why so cold?" and I’m like, "You licked my ear! You licked my ear! You licked my ear! I cannot emphasize enough that you licked my ear."

–43rd & 9th

Girl on cell: So if he licked my pussy, would it ruin our friendship?

–W 4th Street

Eight-year old boy: Can I please lick your eyeball, mom?

–Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: thankfully, not the mom

20-something woman talking to friends: So, having some guy really close to your ear with his tongue out is the most horrifying thing ever… Some guy just licked me on the subway. He emptied, like, an entire tube of toothpaste on my hair and back and then proceeded to lick it off me…I got to work and went to the bathroom. I washed my hair, and scrubbed my back raw, but I didn’t feel clean until I got home and took a shower.

–Gift Shop, The Metropolitan Museum of Art

Overheard by: Lauren Weiss

Girl to friend: And then she bent over and he licked her ass.

–Astor Place Subway Station

Overheard by: Shane and Sammy

Pretentious redhead: So I said, "Please don’t lick me. I’m just trying to do my job."

–Uptown E Train

Overheard by: wondering where she works