On the Subway

Wednesday One-Liners Are Eating Cat Food

Newspaper hawker: Close your umbrellas, people! You’re inside! You’re going to poke somebody’s eye out! Then they gonna sue you! Then you gonna be broke! Then you gonna throw yourself down the escalator!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Brawd

Black guy on cell: Niggas with no money are contagious!

–7 train platform, 74th & Broadway

Overheard by: Robyn Z

Flight attendant: Welcome to New York where the local time is 4:37. We know that you have a choice in selecting your air travel, and on behalf of the pilot and the crew I’d like to thank you for choosing our bankrupt airline.

–LaGuardia

Overheard by: Ldartjoy

Man on cell: There’s nothing worse than a poor snob.

–115th & Broadway, outside Columbia University

Hobo: Don’t anyone wanna donate to the broke-ass foundation?

–Houston St

Overheard by: Has been helped by that organization

“…because you’re always juggling mine.”

Chick: I think the angel is an appropriate icon for me.
Guy: I think ben-wa balls may have been more appropriate.

–1 train

Overheard by: djlindee

Except the Fat One

One of three Abercrombie zombies: So, which of us do you think is the prettiest?
Cute Czech immigrant: You all look the same.

–L train

Overheard by: spazzoid

Warning: Watching Hitch Has Been Shown to Cause Suicide in Laboratory Animals

Guido #1: What’re you doin’ tonight?
Guido #2: Goin’ to a movie wit my girl.
Guido #1: Mm.
Guido #2: Goin’ to see Hitch.
Guido #3: Hitch? Isn’t that a chick flick?
Guido #2: I said my girl asked me to take her to a movie.
Guido #3: Oh. Alright.
Guido #2: I ain’t seein’ the fuckin’ movie by myself.

–R train

Overheard by: bluesdog

I Love Them As Though They Were My Natural Breasts

Loud chick #1: So, they instituted a dress code for the entire office because, like, one woman walks around with these low-cut blouses with her girls out.
Loud chick #2: Are yours girls? Mine are boys. One’s named Lou* and the other’s named Stan*.

–A train

Overheard by: aja

Poo Poo Platter

Little Chinese Boy #1: You want to look at your dick.
Little Chinese Boy #2: You want to look at ass.
Little Chinese Boy #1: You want to look at pussy.
Little Chinese Boy #2: You want to look at your balls.
Little Chinese Boy #1: You’re gay.
Little Chinese Boy #2: Faggot.

–W Train

From the People Who Brought You Seaman, Dyckman, and Gay Streets…

MTA conductor: Rector street is next. The next stop is rector street.
Old lady tourist to friend: Rector… Rector… Rectum.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Well, we’ve all thought it

I Forgot You Have to Chop the Person Up First

Chick: Hey, don’t I know you from somewhere?
Dude: Yeah, you tried to pack me in a suitcase once.
Chick: Oh, yeah! And you wouldn’t get in!
Dude: Yeah.
Chick: Yeah…

Chick erupts with nervous laughter.

–Uptown 6 train

Overheard by: kelsey

It's Even Hard for Grownups to Grasp

Obese black woman, explaining 9/11 to seven-year-old daughter: We talk about this every day, honey. The ending's not gonna change.
Daughter: They put up the flag up after? Didn't it get dirty?
Obese black woman: Well, they kinda had more important things to deal with. They didn't have a washing machine there.

–R Train

Overheard by: Jon A.

Wednesday One-Liners You Can Dance to

Dude: He’s the black, blind Motown equivalent of Kenny G.

–113th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Girl, while leaving screening of "I am legend": Okay… I cannot believe the woman did not know Bob Marley! I mean, that had to be the most unrealistic thing in that entire film.

–Fresh Meadows, Queens

Overheard by: hmmm…

Curly-haired chick: Has New Order become an okay kinky sex background band? Am I *old*?

–113th & Broadway

Overheard by: Poogins

Guy, standing next to guy listening to Journey on his iPod: Get away from me! Just get the fuck away from me!

–2 Train

Dumb girl dressed like Scary Spice en route to the concert: Yeah, a lot of people think that the Spice Girls like, reinstated feminism.

–NJ Transit

Yale grad: Eminem has a wonderful sense of meter.

–Court St., Brooklyn

Overheard by: Justin Casement

Queer: We only stayed for 15 minutes, I’m not that into karaoke. And when a coven of lesbians start casting their spells to "My Sharona", I was outta there."

–Chambers & Greenwich

Overheard by: Grand Witch Muffy

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