Home Is Where You Hang Your Wednesday One-Liners

Saleswoman to customer on busy day: Some days you really should just stay at home. You’re cranky.

–Macy’s, Herald Square

Loud black lady on cell: Mothafuckah, I ain’t no one-night stand. If you think you can fuckin’ call me at 10:30 to 11:00 at night and fuckin’ pull me out of my home with my kids, then you must think I’m some other… [whispers] bitch.

–Mail room, Financial District

Woman on cell: Good, that way she won’t be able to beat on anyone else’s house guests! Let her sit at home and beat on her own house guests!

–M14 bus

Overheard by: Eyeteeth

Conductor: Jessica! Jessica! Girl, you on this train. Jessica Elizabeth! I’m taking you home, girl.

–6 train

Overheard by: fridaholic

Posted on March 23, 2021
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Black People, Conductors, Gossip, Gripes, Home, Sweet Home, Insults, Names, On Cell, On the Bus, On the Subway, Sex, Store, Vendors & Street Performers, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Women

There's No Crying in Wednesday One-Liners!

Conductor: This is Willets Point/Shea Stadium. You know, home of the other team. (passengers laugh) You may laugh, but we all know no one really likes the Mets. Anyhoo, have a nice day, everyone. Stand clear of the closing doors.

–7 Train

Overheard by: Kristen

20-something guy wearing Red Sox hat to girlfriend: There's no way we can have kids in New York. They'd be going to school with a bunch of brainwashed Yankee fan offspring, and every night we'd have to be telling them bedtime stories that end with "and they all lived happily every after, except for Derek Jeter, because he's a fuckin' asshole."

–1 Train

Young woman on cell: I'm from New York, but live in Boston, but want to move back to New York… It's hard being a Yankees fan surrounded by fucking Red Sox fans. I can't do it anymore.

–L Train

Overheard by: I agree…

Subway conductor: Yankees fans. This is a Bronx-bound express D. This will not stop at Yankee stadium. Transfer at the next station to the B. (20 minutes later) Yankees fans. I promise you this train will not stop at Yankee stadium. You can transfer to the B at the next station. Or you could just not go to the game. The choice is yours.

–D Train

20-something mother to another, trying hard to look knowledgeable: The Yankees and Mets are playing two games today, the first at Yankee stadium and the second at Fenway, where the Mets play.

–Barnes & Noble Cafe

Woman in Jesus t-shirt: Jesus hates the Yankees.

–Uptown C Train

Overheard by: Penny

Conductor to packed train: Attention, attention passengers. To all Yankee fans on this train, please have a safe day today, and enjoy the game. Personally, I am a Red Sox fan. That is all.

–Uptown 4 Train

Posted on March 19, 2021
All Wednesday One-Liners, Christians, Conductors, Football, Girlfriends, Gripes, Guys, Insults, Jesus, Kids, Laughter, Mets, Moms, On Cell, On the Subway, Passengers, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Public Transportation, Restaurants & Cafes, School and studying, Subway conductors, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women, Yankees

At Least Wednesday One-Liners Are Pretty

Girl to friend: I wonder what’s the difference between hard tacos and soft tacos.

–Line at Taco Bell, Queens Mall Food Court

Overheard by: NTA

Guy talking to his friend: I don’t believe there is a first time for everything, but I do think there is a first time for anything.

–2nd St & Ave B

Overheard by: Max Berlinger

Girl on cell in hallway: She told me to get bacterial soap.

–Fordham University, Rose Hill

Overheard by: Krisztina ,who uses anti-bacterial

Subway comedian: My wife is so stupid. I told her to take the 2 train, she took the 1 twice. [Awkward silence follows. Comedian proceeds to dance around a subway pole pretending to be a stripper.]

–1 Train

Overheard by: Subway rider

Guy on cell: Dude, you’ve got to stop doing this "living paycheck to paycheck" thing because every time you get a check it’s like an emotional highway.

–Columbia University Campus

Overheard by: Alina

College girl, after closing a Nutella jar: I solved it! I solved the puzzle!

–Broome St

Overheard by: YJL

Posted on March 14, 2021
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Comedians, Compare/Contrast, Friends, Girls, Guys, Happiness, Health and Hygiene, Insults, Junk Food & Fast Food, Money & Class, On Cell, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Queens, Restaurants & Cafes, Sorority Girls, Stupidity, The Bronx, Union Square and East Village, Words

They’re Busy Being Cold and Hungry, Douche

Girl: How can homeless people even afford to ride the subway?
Guy: I wonder if they think of their MetroCard as a business investment.

–N train

Overheard by: Daniel Motta

Posted on March 9, 2021
Hobos, Intelligentsia, On the Subway, Stupidity, Subway stations, platforms, etc.

That's the Nicest Thing You've Ever Said to Me!

Latino thug #1: It was so awkward–he couldn't hit the high notes.
Latino thug #2: That kid wore the same blue tee for a whole year!
Latino thug #3: Your shirt looks like a Christmas wrapping.

–F Train

Overheard by: Katface

Posted on March 8, 2021
Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Gossip, Latinos, On the Subway, Singing, Thugs

You Don’t Have to Be Jewish to Smell the Trap

Jewish girl: You have to come up to this new synagogue with me. It’s supposed to be really good.
Jewish guy: Is it traditionalist?
Jewish girl: Yeah. And the singles scene is supposed to be awesome.

–1 train

Overheard by: EthanK

Posted on March 7, 2021
Jews, On the Subway, Rumor Has It

Warning on the Back of a Slim-Fast Can

Guy #1: You look good though, lose a little weight?
Guy #2: I know, it’s great. I can’t say I’m crazy about the constant nosebleeds and cravings at all hours of the day, but it’s worth it anyway, my appetite’s gone.
Guy #1: What?

–Q train

Posted on March 4, 2021
Drugs, Health and Hygiene, On the Subway

Sadly, the G Train Community Never Fully Accepted Him Again

Hammered 20-year-old, screaming: Yo, I fucked my boss! Yo, I fucked my boss! You ever fuck your boss? [Points to friend] He had to fuck some fat chick and I got my dick sucked all night by my boss! Yo, and she’s, like, 30. [Starts humping pole] She was like, ‘Uhhh, Jim*, give it to me! Fuck me harder!’

He falls on the floor, rolling around with more manic laughter.

Friend: Yo, shut up. I gotta take this train when I’m sober.

–G train

Overheard by: Please don’t look

Posted on March 1, 2021
Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, On the Subway, Sex

Not Anymore

Trashy girl (loudly): So I was suckin his cock for like 45 minutes and nothin happened, I was like, “fuck yo problem?”
Friend: Word?
Trashy girl: For real! (turns to staring suit) Excuse me, this is a private conversation!

–A Train

Posted on February 24, 2021
BJs, Default, Etiquette, Friends, Girls, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Time, Weirdness

Wednesdays Are Profoundly One-Linered

Yankees fan to Mets friends: When we go to the Yankees stadium I'll be like a retard at a Chuck E. Cheese.

–Shea Stadium

Overheard by: Danial

Police officer in van, on loudspeaker: Move to the right! (people in cars ignore the order) Retards! You heard me! Move to the right!

–27th St & 10th Ave

Crazy guy, ranting: You can't have sex with people who aren't retarded because they charge too damn much!

–V Train

Overheard by: Ryan P.

Guy to girl: I never said that I wasn't retarded. Technically, I'm not a hypocrite.

–L Train

Overheard by: Julia

Heavily made-up girl: Do you think retarded people are, like, conceptually aware that they're retarded?

–6 Train

Overheard by: You tell me

Girl: The idea of a retarded Jack Russell Terrier is completely foreign to me, because as I recall, Wishbone was exceptionally well-read.

–Columbia University

Posted on February 22, 2021
All Wednesday One-Liners, Books & Writing, Cars and Driving, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Cops, Crazies, Friends, Girls, Guys, Handicaps, Insults, Man's Best Friend, Money & Class, On the Subway, One-liners, Pop Culture, Psychology, Questions, Sex, Shea Stadium, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

On the Subway