Woman, about Kate Moss photo: At the time they don’t think that you’re on drugs, they just think that you’re beautiful.
–Brooklyn Museum
Overheard by: Harried Visitor
Old woman to another: He had a beautiful, beautiful body, a handsome face, and a big old dick that would just kill ya!
–14th & Broadway
Overheard by: rita
Perfume seller: Designer perfume! Five dollars. Only five dollars. Discounts for pretty ladies. [Looks at lady passerby] For you… $4.99.
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Renea
Woman on cell: Well, we have a large problem — his thing is very small…
–Outside Papaya Dog, W 4th
Overheard by: notrob
Professor: So, you have all seen large penises and small penises, but you never see a fatty penis! [Class laughs.] Is that a ‘Yes, that is true’ laugh, or what?
–Columbia University Med Center
Female theater-goer: His penis would have been normal-sized if he was five-foot-six. As it was, everything was out of proportion.
–Golden Theater
Overheard by: Colleen
Drunk man with imaginary cup: Excuse me, sorry for doing this — I’m not shy, I just have a small penis, and I’d really appreciate some money for a penis enlargement surgery. And if not money, then a sandwich. A BLT or a larger cock. Thank you. I just want a larger cock.
–2 train
Overheard by: Man with the big penis
Hot chick #1 during Tom Brady close-up: Ohhh, I just want to give him a hug!
Hot chick #2: I want to make out with him.
Hot chick #3: I want to put his penis in my mouth.
–Watching Patriots/Colts game, Sutton Pl, 53rd & 2nd
Overheard by: Lee
Negligent mom: He’s a little boy — that’s what he’s supposed to do! They have penises so they can wave them around!
–Danice, 125th & 8th
Overheard by: Tammy Scumbag
Guy: You think I don’t have one? You think I don’t have one?! I will flash everyone on this train!
–6 train
Black man to girlfriend: Why you tellin’ everybody ’bout mah dick for? Oh, you sad now? Well, stop tellin’ everybody ’bout mah dick!
–Staten Island
Overheard by: Against Marj
Little kid waiting to cross street: Owww, my wiener!
–Times Square
Overheard by: Sandy
Queer: Rocky got hard during ‘Touch me, touch me’ because Janet would rub all over him and he was straight… And in those little yellow shorts you could see his penis grow like a torpedo.
–1 train
Overheard by: Smirking Minnesotan
Professor, about ancient Greek theater: Lots of padding, lots of masks, lots of… phalluses.
–Columbia University
Woman: Why are you sitting on my lap?
Chick squeezing into a seat: I’m just sitting down.
Woman: You must be a lesbian, sitting on my lap.
Chick: I ain’t no lesbian! I ain’t got no dick!
–Q train, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Rich Weksberg
Girl: Boys never use the stalls, do they?
Boyfriend: I do. I don’t want anyone to see my 10-inch penis.
Girl: 10 centimeters.
Boyfriend: Aren’t inches bigger than centimeters? I think so. 10 inches.
Girl: You’re sleeping on the couch tonight.
–Roseland Ballroom
Chick: …And then when the naked girl got in the balloon I was so scared I thought I would die!
–1 train
Overheard by: Michael Schiano
Dude: It’s like, as soon as you step into a room and take off your pants, all hell breaks loose!
–Allen & Stanton
Overheard by: Griffin
Dude: I swear, like, everyone on this block has seen me naked.
–Outside Rubin Hall, NYU
Overheard by: Josh
Little girl: Look! The nakeds! They’re naked!
–Greek sculpture wing, the Met
Chick on cell: I mean, if I’m going to send my friends footage of me doing topless jumping jacks, I want it to be remembered.
–Harlem
Suit on cell: You wanna know why we’re not friends anymore? Remember the last time you came to my house? I came out of the bathroom and there you were, stretched out on my sofa, naked, playing with your dick. What the fuck was that all about?
–City Hall Park
Overheard by: Big Larry
Doctor to patient: Sir, I am going to prescribe you two things — some burn cream for, well, you know, and some advice: try not to cook without your pants on.
–Beth Israel Hospital Emergency Room
Hipster hootchie: I was in Miami a couple weeks ago and saw Lucy.
Queer: Oh yeah, how was that?
Hipster hootchie: It was good… Hung out on the beach… I didn’t know she had a wiener…
Queer: You didn’t know she had a wiener?!
Hipster hootchie: No, not until she started doing cartwheels.
–Bodega, Stanton & Ridge
Overheard by: Ryan
Boy: Mom, why is there a line here and not on the boys’ side?
Mom: Girls go to the bathroom differently. You guys can just stand around and pee and make crosses. You know — how you and Daddy make crosses with your pee-pees?
–Line for women’s room, Radio City Music Hall
Hippie chick: They don’t use dryers in that country. I hung them outside.
Ditzy chick yelling over traffic: You what them?!
Hippie chick: Hung… Hung… Like a penis.
Ditzy chick: How do you hang a penis?
–Times Square
Overheard by: Kelly
