Penis

So When’s Your Labia Surgery?

Homely hipster girl: So, we went to that panties party on Saturday night…
Cute hipster girl: And?!
Homely hipster girl: I went home with Adam.
Cute hipster girl: Oooh, how was it?
Homely hipster girl: Ummm, it was okay, except he’s like, not circumcised. He’s European or Jewish or something. So, like, I didn’t know what to do.
Cute hipster girl: Weird. That’s like when women have pubes. It’s, like, gross. Who has pubes on their vag anymore?
Homely hipster girl: Girl pubes are really ’80s. But not, like, in a cute way.

–Dressing room, Urban Outfitters, 14th & 6th

Let’s Go Rent Big Clits Big Lips

Drunk 30-ish woman #1, leaning on friend: Isn’t it amazing how small men’s dicks get when they’re… you know… down?
Drunk 30-ish woman #2: It’s more amazing how small some men’s dicks are when they’re actually up.

–1 train platform

Overheard by: trying not to laugh

Don’t Think I Don’t See What You Do to Your Ken Doll

Six-year-old girl pointing to painting of naked man: I like that one!
Mom: You would.

–Brooklyn Museum

There’s Nothing Rational about Desire

Very gay man: I have to go buy some Crisco — I have a date tonight.
Straight guy: I don’t understand how you can not be interested in a nice set of tits and a wet vagina.
Very gay man: I don’t understand how you can not be interested in a big throbbing cock!
Straight guy: Because I already have one.
Very gay man: Let me see!
Straight guy: No!

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Big Larry

Wednesday One-Liners Skate by on Their Looks

Woman, about Kate Moss photo: At the time they don’t think that you’re on drugs, they just think that you’re beautiful.

–Brooklyn Museum

Overheard by: Harried Visitor

Old woman to another: He had a beautiful, beautiful body, a handsome face, and a big old dick that would just kill ya!

–14th & Broadway

Overheard by: rita

Perfume seller: Designer perfume! Five dollars. Only five dollars. Discounts for pretty ladies. [Looks at lady passerby] For you… $4.99.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Renea

Wednesday One-Liners Remind You of Baby Carrots

Woman on cell: Well, we have a large problem — his thing is very small…

–Outside Papaya Dog, W 4th

Overheard by: notrob

Professor: So, you have all seen large penises and small penises, but you never see a fatty penis! [Class laughs.] Is that a ‘Yes, that is true’ laugh, or what?

–Columbia University Med Center

Female theater-goer: His penis would have been normal-sized if he was five-foot-six. As it was, everything was out of proportion.

–Golden Theater

Overheard by: Colleen

Drunk man with imaginary cup: Excuse me, sorry for doing this — I’m not shy, I just have a small penis, and I’d really appreciate some money for a penis enlargement surgery. And if not money, then a sandwich. A BLT or a larger cock. Thank you. I just want a larger cock.

–2 train

Overheard by: Man with the big penis

The Make-A-Wish Foundation Rejected Their Applications

Hot chick #1 during Tom Brady close-up: Ohhh, I just want to give him a hug!
Hot chick #2: I want to make out with him.
Hot chick #3: I want to put his penis in my mouth.

–Watching Patriots/Colts game, Sutton Pl, 53rd & 2nd

Overheard by: Lee

Wednesday One-Liners Are Also a Member

Negligent mom: He’s a little boy — that’s what he’s supposed to do! They have penises so they can wave them around!

–Danice, 125th & 8th

Overheard by: Tammy Scumbag

Guy: You think I don’t have one? You think I don’t have one?! I will flash everyone on this train!

–6 train

Black man to girlfriend: Why you tellin’ everybody ’bout mah dick for? Oh, you sad now? Well, stop tellin’ everybody ’bout mah dick!

–Staten Island

Overheard by: Against Marj

Little kid waiting to cross street: Owww, my wiener!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Sandy

Queer: Rocky got hard during ‘Touch me, touch me’ because Janet would rub all over him and he was straight… And in those little yellow shorts you could see his penis grow like a torpedo.

–1 train

Overheard by: Smirking Minnesotan

Professor, about ancient Greek theater: Lots of padding, lots of masks, lots of… phalluses.

–Columbia University

Is That How That Works?

Woman: Why are you sitting on my lap?
Chick squeezing into a seat: I’m just sitting down.
Woman: You must be a lesbian, sitting on my lap.
Chick: I ain’t no lesbian! I ain’t got no dick!

–Q train, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Rich Weksberg

All 254 Centimeters of Me?

Girl: Boys never use the stalls, do they?
Boyfriend: I do. I don’t want anyone to see my 10-inch penis.
Girl: 10 centimeters.
Boyfriend: Aren’t inches bigger than centimeters? I think so. 10 inches.
Girl: You’re sleeping on the couch tonight.

–Roseland Ballroom

© 2026 OverheardinNewYork.com
Hat Tip 🎩 to The Marketing Scientist