Boyfriend returning from bathroom: That corn from the enchiladas last night came right out — like corn ass soup.
Girlfriend, eating a pretzel: Goddammit, baby, I’m eating. I don’t want to hear about you cumming up my nose, or corn ass soup.
–Central Park
Queer: Oh my god, he fucked me so hard last night.
Friend: Wait — how hard?
Queer: Like, he literally fucked the shit out of me. He, like, knocked my tooth out and then I swallowed it when I gave him head. And then the next day I had to shit out the tooth.
Friend: Oh my god.
–114th & Amsterdam
Chick: Oh, fuck! I just got crapped on by a pigeon!
Guy: Uh, I don’t think limping will help.
Chick: … Good point [stops limping]. Will Advil?
–Times Square
Overheard by: Stella
Woman: Breastfeeding her baby is not the same as taking a shit.
Man: Yeah, it is. It’s like shitting in the baby’s mouth.
–3rd & 2nd
College girl #1: So, yeah, he just goes around pooping in people’s closets.
College girl #2: Ewww! Does he steal anything?
College girl #1: No, he just poops and then leaves.
College girl #2: Weird.
–Loews Theater, 34th St
Overheard by: Jenn
Teen girl: I love Mr. Mallows*!
Teen boy: Yeah, I know. Dude’s like, ‘I have hemorrhoids’!
–6 train
Guy: I was laughing so hard gas was coming out of my buttocks!
–Astor Pl
Overheard by: Allie
Loud girl to boyfriend: You know what would be great? If you could stop making those vicious smelly farts and then looking around like it’s somebody else. We all know it’s you.
–A train
Lady to friend: No, seriously! ‘Cause it was like, two hundred farts per whatever, and it should really only be like 35.
–Charlton & Varick St
Overheard by: sophie
Loud little boy: Mommy, I feel much better now! Yes, I did! I farted!
–W 71st & Columbus
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
Guy: Good god, my farts smell like cum!
–Christopher St
Overheard by: Deeply Troubled
20-something chick on cell: No, it’s ridiculous. She’s afraid to shit in his house ’cause he thinks girls don’t shit. I mean, how many times have they had anal? Obviously the hole is there for something… I hope she farts on his dick.
–1 train
Overheard by: jenny
Blind guy walking dog: Ughhh, I just farted… Good morning, New York. I love you.
–Central Park
Overheard by: AMOS
Preppy girl with Starbucks cup: That was some shitty-ass coffee.
Preppy guy: Speaking of shitty, Cap’n Nemo’s got nothin’ on me. I shat a white whale in there. It was two feet long and, I’m tellin’ you, it was white! Like, white and one solid length! Took it first try, though. They have good toilets.
–PATH, Christopher St station
Overheard by: Zenana
Boy #1: Seriously, that was, like, the coolest place I ever took a shit.
Boy #2: Wait, where were you?
Boy #1: I was on top of the mountain!
Boy #2: Oh.
–3rd St & 7th Ave
JAP: I almost pooped my pants.
Boy: When?
JAP: Just now.
–4 train, 59th & Lex
