Girl looking at GRE study guide: I’m not very smart. I took a practice test the other day and didn’t do good.
Friend: ‘Well.’ You didn’t do well.
Girl: No, it’s ‘good.’ A person is ‘well’ — like, ‘I’m doing well,’ but a person can’t do something well, they do it good.
Friend: You’re wrong.
Girl: No, that’s how it is.
–Barnes & Noble, 5th Ave
Guy: I’ve been finding myself becoming more and more of a misanthropist.
Bimbette: I tried that once, but the chains were a bit much.
Guy: [Angry glare.]
–BBQ, 8th & University Pl
Girl #1: Oh my god, I just thought of something so cool!
Girl #2: What?
Girl #1: Women are like magicians!
Girl #2: Why?
Girl #1: They pull bunnies out of hats, and we can pull babies out of our vaginas!
Girl #2: Wow, you’re so smart!
Girl #1: I know, right?
–Apple Store
Columbia boy: So, are you a vegetarian?
Columbia girl: Yeah, kinda. You?
Columbia boy: I’m a pescatarian.
Columbia girl: Yeah, that’s great. So, do you eat meat or not?
–116th & Broadway
Overheard by: merc
JAP: I have nothing against Australians or anything — I even made out with a few the other night — but I am not going to Outback.
–Spring St
Overheard by: Jason
JAP on cell: And I was like, ‘Have you been in the new building yet?’ And he was like, ‘I know, it’s a maze.’ And I was like, ‘Oh my god, you Abreve, too?!’ And he was like, ‘Um, no… I mean, like, a… maze.’
–Bryant Park
JAP to chihuahua trying to pee on sidewalk: Focus! Focus!
–79th & Broadway
Overheard by: Lisa
20-something JAP on cell: Did you call Dr. Stein* for me? Why not?! … But I don’t want to call him! Why can’t you just call him for me? I’m not calling him! … But my asshole is still bleeding!
–Duane Reade, Chambers & Broadway
JAP on cell: So, I met up with him, and he asked me if I was anorexic! I was like, ‘No, but thanks for noticing!’ He got all mad, though. I think his sister died of anorexia or something. Whatever, at least I know I look great.
–88th & Park
Overheard by: Vicksburg
Buddy #1: Did you see Forest Whitaker’s speech at the Golden Globes? He won Best Actor. I’m almost positive he was on crystal meth. He was, like, stuttering and his eyes were tearing up.
Buddy #2: Maybe he was emotional ’cause he won the award.
Buddy #1: [Long, reflective pause] Yeah… Maybe that, too.
–40th & 5th
Overheard by: Wubba
Teen boy #1: Would you do Jane?
Teen boy #2: Well, she’s pretty hot… Got nice tits and all, but don’t you consider diabetes a turn-off?
Teen boy #1: Yeah, dude, totally.
–Metro-North, 125th St stop
Overheard by: Ek CrIsp
Man #1 after being cut off by Man #2: You ignoramus!
Man #2: I don’t know what that is — just call me an ‘asshole’!
–Parking garage
Overheard by: Man #1’s giggling nephew
Headline by: Nick T.
Runners-Up:
· “Can We Settle on ‘Ignoranus?'” – Sara G.
· “Just as long as you call me!” – Rob Graham
· “Let’s compromise on “Poopy Cerebellum”” – Matt Koff
· “Remember? No More Than Two Syllables For New Yorkers!!” – Jen
Professor pointing at a slide of Andy Warhol’s Elvis and one of a giant mountain: Can anyone tell me what the similarities and differences of these two images are?
Student #1: The Warhol print is completely commercial, while the mountain is very natural.
Professor: Yes, that’s one way to see them. Anyone else?
Student #2: One’s a big rock, and one’s the king of rock.
Professor: I think we can all go home now.
–NYU
Overheard by: Addison
Blonde: We need to cover loads of ground if we want an agent to poach us.
Friend: Why can’t we just go pay for one?
Blonde: They totally just walk the streets looking for hot people and pay them to become models.
Friend: And what are the odds we are gonna just run into one?
Blonde: Trust me, they’re everywhere. They drive around in vans looking for people to audition.
Friend: Please tell me you haven’t been picked up by one of these ‘agents’ before!
–Brooklyn Heights Promenade
