Times Square

Our Wednesday One-Liners in Blue

Cop on cell: Yeah, Adam just called. Are there bodies there?

–Outside Times Square Police Station

Overheard by: leah

Police officer on crowd control duty: If you was special, you'd get on the sidewalk. If you was my family, you'd get on the sidewalk.

–45th & Broadway

Overheard by: Claire

Little boy to mother, after policeman walks by: Mom, it's the five-o!

–38th St, Astoria

Man: Yo, I was so twisted last night. I was in the cop car and he was like, "no drinking in the cop car!"

–Lexington & 75th

Overheard by: wb

Cop to victim: So the doors and windows were locked,no sign of forced entry…and you're sure that your panty drawer was rifled through and unknown items are missing?

–Bensonhurst

Wednesday One-Liners in Tasseled Loafers

Suit: There are two kinds of people in this world: Those with MBAs from Harvard, and us.

–6th & 55th

Overheard by: Dan

Agitated suit on cell: A dime is worth less than a dime. A dime is worth less than a dime!

–Starbucks, Times Square

Overheard by: Ladle

Suit to another: People are stupid, and the ones that aren't stupid are dumb!

–Madison & 49th

Suit: So Jake had this Mustang, right? And then every time he'd go to the circus they'd treat him like shit.

–59th & Lexington

Overheard by: i'll take the mustang

Suit to sandwich maker: Give me one with extra juice, so I can let it drip down my chin.

–Deli, 33rd & 7th

Suit on cell: That's stupid! Just put it in a bag and throw it in the river!

–23rd & Lexington

Overheard by: tallnawkward

Twenty Drink Minimum

Promoter guy: Stand-up comedy! Are you interested in seeing some stand-up comedy tonight? Hey, I’m asking you a question.
Dude: Oh, no thanks.
Promoter guy: Oh, well, we also have stand-up misery.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Adam Robbins

Lies That Come Back to de Fetus

Girl: See, so what we learned tonight is that lying pays off!
Guy: I think that’s too broad of a statement.
Girl: Okay, what we learned tonight is that lying about pregnancy pays off.
Guy: I’ll give you that.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Streetwalker

It Once Gave Jon Stewart Heartburn

Lady: Do you have famous cheesecake?
Waiter: Yes, the cheesecake.
Lady: Well is it famous?
Waiter gives blank stare.
Lady: Because I only want it if it’s famous.

–44th between 7th & 8th

Overheard by: Grant W

They Say the Neon Lights Are Bright and Shit

Tourist man: Honey, is this Times Square?
Tourist wife: No, I think this is Union Square.
New Yorker: This is Herald Square. If you wanna go to Times Square, just walk north until you see all the lights and shit.
Tourist man: Thank you!

–33rd and 8th

The Elves Call Her “Iron Claus”

Girl #1: What do you mean she fired you?
Girl #2: The bitch fired me.
Girl #1: You should write a story about her; she’s fucked up and now you can show her.
Girl #2: I’ve been writing a book about her since last Christmas.
Girl #1: Oh?
Girl #2: Yeah, I’m pissed I’m going to lose material filler now.

–Times Square

Or Straight

Boy: You know what, I don’t know anyone who has such good taste in fashion as me, and I’m only twelve!
Mom: Honey, stop saying those things. People will think you’re arrogant.
Girl: It’s only arrogance if you’re wrong.

–McDonald’s, Times Square

A Walking Salad Is Not for Everyone

Irritated man to girlfriend: Oh my god! You are so fucking stupid!
Girlfriend: You are so mean! (stops suddenly) Oh my god! I just got ranch dressing in my ear!

–Times Square

“And have the same name as my sister?”

Chick #1: Girl, my feets is killin’ me. I’s goin’ home, gettin’ in bed, put on the TV. I’m done.
Chick #2: Change your name to Saran, ’cause it’s a wrap.

–Times Square station

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