U.S. Geography

Wednesday One-Liners Threw Up in Front of Dean Wormer

Drunk frat guy: I don’t know about you fellas, but I’m going to Narnia. Shazam! [Dives head first into a wardrobe.]

–NYU dorm

Frat boy: Dude, do you think if I start drinking now I’ll still be drunk in Michigan?

–JFK

Overheard by: JJ

Drunk frat dude on cell: So, does autumn come after winter or before it?

–Outside Wogie’s, West Village

Overheard by: misspenny

Black frat dude to white frat dude: I mean, if the KKK could’ve thought of BET, they woulda done it 50 years ago.

–Columbia University

Drunk Long Island frat boy: At least no one got raped, so that’s pretty good.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: echo

Why They Don’t Run FEMA Anymore

Bimbette #1: Wait, but, like… What state is Louisiana in, again?
Bimbette #2: I don’t know. Like, Arkansas?

–56th & Madison

Overheard by: trooshieb

He Can Just Keep His Secaucus to Himself

Drunk babe #1: I am definitely not going to have sex with him. He fucks a bitch from New Jersey.
Drunk babe #2: Oh, well, then maybe you shouldn’t have sex with him.
Drunk babe #1: I know, right? They have their own, like, breeds of STDs out in fucking Jersey.

–Outside Soho Grand Hotel

Overheard by: Drunk Guy

The State of Wednesday One-Liners

Crackhead: What’s your favorite state? Mine is Seattle.

–95th & 2nd

Guy on cell: … Got fisted from another state.

–7th Ave, between 56th & 57th St

Tourist chick: I’m in Pennsylvania?! What the hell?!

–1 train, Penn Station

Bald dude on cell: Yeah, I’m in Vermont with Bill and Mary*! It’s beautiful! I know, it’s amazing — I’m getting service right on the lake.

–Burger King, Graham & Skillman

Port Authority officer: It’s not easy being a dual-state crime fighter like me.

–Exchange Place PATH station

Overheard by: Marisol

Dude: I went to only one strip club in New York. It was the one in Jersey.

–27th & 10th

Debil!

Blonde: Gosh, these lines are, like, so long.
Brunette: Yep.
Blonde: I’m, like, not from here so, like, I’m not used to this.
Brunette: Uh-huh.
Blonde: I’m actually from, like, Ohio. Where are you from?
Brunette: Albany.
Blonde: Oh my gosh, really?! Say something in Albanian!
Employee passerby: Fucking tourists…

–Banana Republic Women, Soho

Overheard by: MistressSilver

They’re All Gay at Mardi Gras

Suit: Sometimes I want to ask Dan* if he’s gay. I can’t figure out if he is or not.
Woman: Is he flamboyant?
Suit: Yeah, but that could be because he’s a southerner.

–550 Madison Ave

Overheard by: DrDorn

Like I Didn’t Know He Was in All Those Movies

Woman: Nobody famous ever comes in where I work.
Man: Well, we got a lot of famous people when I worked in LA.
Woman: Like who?
Man: Charlie Sheen would come into the store all the time.
Woman: Really?
Man: Yeah, but he’s a fucking freak.
Woman: Oh?
Man: Yeah, he’d hold something up and say, ‘Do you think this is good? Do you? Do you? Do you?’ like, all the time. He’s very fucked up.

–6 train

Yeah, It’s All Just TV

Nerd #1: Didn’t Ford’s body get shipped to Washington?
Nerd #2: No.
Nerd #1: Oh. Then I must have seen that on 24 or something.

–Union Square

I Was Having a Near-Life Experience

Rich girl #1: Do you remember that time in Saratoga when I thought you were dead?
Rich girl #2: Yeah, but I wasn’t.

–Ladies’ room, Mall

Overheard by: Wishing She Had Been

Better Save the ‘Two Washingtons’ Story for Tomorrow

Clerk: Sir, you need to fill out a customs form for that.
Man: What? Why? This is in America.
Clerk: Sir, it’s North America, but Oregon is not in the US.
Man: Yes, it is. It’s in the northwest.
Clerk: Really? Are you sure? Oh.

–Post office, 99 Macombs Pl

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