Wednesday-One-Liners Gotta Fight for Their Right

Frat boy on cell: Call me when you get done with your fondue party. I don’t care if it wasn’t your idea. That doesn’t make it right!

–12th St & 5th Ave

Geeky Columbia freshman: Yeah, we held a Sexyback Party… You know, it was themed like Justin Timberlake. It was a pretty cool concept.

–Downtown 1 Train

Overheard by: pumpkin

College chick: Any party that you have to lube up your hand to get into just isn’t worth it.

–Christopher St

Bimbette: Because, really, what good is throwing a porn party if you can’t get drunk enough to disregard your butt?

–Harlem

Overheard by: Argopelter

Posted on June 2, 2015
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Celebrations/Parties, Drinking & Drunk People, Food, Porn, Sex, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners. Aw, Snnnap!

Jungian: Let’s be honest: everyone knows he has the personality of an air conditioner.

–39th & Madison

Overheard by: Emily

Queer, looking at hordes of tourists: It’s times like this I wish I carried a taser.

–33rd St

Overheard by: jackattack

Ghetto girl: He smell like a sanitation truck. You know how when a sanitation truck drives by and it just smells nasty? Yeah, he like 8 trucks in a row!

–R train, 23rd St

Overheard by: Sue

Sarcastic hipster: Wow, that girl over there is a great artist. She did a fantastic job of drawing her eyebrows on her face.

–Brooklyn bound L train

College kid: Tourists are kinda like retards; I want to help, but I just never seem to.

–44th & 5th

Overheard by: David

Guy on headset: I don’t want no broke ass bitches. She couldn’t even rub two crackers together.

–Bleecker & Carmine

Ghetto waitress: Ugh. Table 9 has had so much work done on her face. Too bad she still look busted.

–Sarabeth’s East, 92nd & Madison

Overheard by: Dan

Posted on May 29, 2015
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Insults, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Our Wednesday One-Liners, Ourselves

Woman conductor: Take all of your personal belongings and all parts of your body as you leave the train.

–Brooklyn-bound D train

Bronx woman: I do not have ‘cheeseburger’ written on my forehead.

–Parkchester, Bronx

Overheard by: walking too fast to hear more

20-something girl to woman praying with legs wide open: When I move over it’s so your warm thighs aren’t pressed up against mine.

–Downtown A train

Overheard by: lisa l.

Chick: So then he slammed my infected eyebrow right into his crotch. It was terrific!

–Theater, 1st Ave & 9th St

Overheard by: Rose Fox

British guy to girlfriend: Can I have your tongue?

–Scruffy Duffy’s, 8th Ave

Skinny 20-something: My head swung like a pendulum… I had a brain injury, but it’s okay because the part of the brain that got injured — the doctors are unsure of its function.

–7 train

Overheard by: Holy Crap!

Middle-aged guy lunching with female companions: So… Do you know if there’s any other organs on my body that could grow teeth?

–Sushi Samba, West Village

Posted on May 29, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Ignore the Bloody Hand

Little old lady to little old hubby: Fuck you, Dick, I am not crossing against the light! I can’t do it. Fuck you!

–Houston & LaGuardia

Overheard by: Almost peed on myself from laughing

Little tourist to mom: We are jaywalking, yay!

–Outside Sak’s

Overheard by: also jaywalking

Guy on cell: … So it’s fucked up, nights in the city. Everyone jaywalks, and they all wear black… Shit, good point! Blacks! … Yeah, you get a black guy wearing black, jaywalking — that’s a perfect storm of trouble! … I dunno, but I bet it has something to do with why insurance is so high…

–Broadway & Bleecker

Two guys cross street on ‘Don’t walk’ signal as car is coming.

Traffic cop: Hit ’em! Hit ’em!

–35th & 5th

Overheard by: mike

Loud grandma tourist blocking crosswalk: What’s the matter with these people?! Why are they crossing the street? Can’t they see the ‘No crossing’ sign? Where do they think they’re going?

–Times Square

Tourist woman to crowd of pedestrians: No, don’t cross! Here comes the big red hand!

–51st & 5th

Overheard by: Micaela

Posted on May 27, 2015
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Cars and Driving, Clothing, Cops, Crime and Punishment, Gripes, Insults, Money & Class, Names, Race, Stupidity, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Don’t Smell Anything

Sassy lady: Honey, she so lazy… She too lazy to fart, she so lazy!

–Celebrity Jeopardy taping, Radio City Music Hall

Overheard by: Lady Sean Connery Wannabe

Man holding ‘Hungry Jew’ sign: Hey, ladies, need a boy-toy? I just farted.

–Lincoln Center

Ghetto Asian teen: Nigga, my farts smell like daisies.

–68th & 1st

Class act: Damn! I got gas like a mo-fo, and this cough ain’t helping.

–Escalator, 59th St subway station

Five-year-old girl to father: Ha, ha! I farted on you!

–Mount Sinai Hospital

Overheard by: Steve

Posted on May 24, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Farting & Burping, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Remember the Little People

Ghetto guy: Yo, I gotta be careful and hurry up and catch this midget before she leave me.

–59th & Lex

Overheard by: Wonkanobi

Short lady: And I told him, ‘I may be an ugly midget, but at least I’m not a Neanderthal.’

–Outside Starbucks, Court & Dean St

Little girl watching midget walk by: Look, Mommy! Mini-Me’s wife!

–91st & Broadway

Man to son: … And that’s because New York was founded by midgets.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Nina Milnes

Posted on May 23, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Height, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

The Gentlemen Callers of Wednesday One-Liners

Hipster chick: … And I was like, ‘I want a boyfriend!’ and God was like, ‘Hello!’

–43rd & 6th

Lady on cell: You’ll have to get a Hispanic boyfriend. Or someone ethnic… Go out with the Jew!

–49th & 8th

Bus driver: No phones on the bus. I don’t care if you got problems with your mother, or your brother, or girlfriend got a problem with boyfriend, or boyfriend got a problem with girlfriend, or girlfriend-girlfriend, or boyfriend-boyfriend, or just you got a sad, pathetic life, because other passengers do not like to hear those things. And if you sleep, leave your shoes on — people take their shoes off, it smells like fish market.

–Port Authority, Greyhound to Philadelphia

Ghetto girl: This weekend I found out that my boyfriend had a wife, and my dad got hit on by another man.

–6 train

20-ish chick: Remember when I used to call my fuck-buddy the ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter’ of boyfriends?

–Apartment party, 113th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ladle

Lady on cell: Did you see that girl’s butt today?! Did you see her butt?! Ewww! It was like my boyfriend’s!

–John St

Posted on May 22, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Relationships, Rumor Has It, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Shoulda Looked It Up

Coworker: Heiser… Wasn’t that Hitler’s last name?

–Public library

Overheard by: Apparently I’m related to that guy

Lady in line: What’s the difference between french fries and cheese fries?

–Shake Shack

Overheard by: cheese connoisseur

Confused German tourist: Is this the meatloaf district?

–14th & 9th

Overheard by: blistexaddict

Guy: What is the opposite of September?

–Law firm, Lexington Avenue

Girl: Wait… Was Hurricane Katrina a tsunami?

–Francis School, Staten Island

Clueless girl to captain of the schooner Adirondack: So, like, is Adirondack a girl’s name or something?

–Hudson River

Overheard by: glad I’m not her daughter

Woman leaving the subway: I still don’t get it. Is the subway a train or a bus?

–Museum of Natural History subway station

Overheard by: dinoman

Posted on May 21, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Idiots, Stupidity, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Are Getting C-Sections in Honor of Brangelina

Keen observer: That woman’s not pregnant; she’s just real old.

–Bleecker & Bowery

Overheard by: Poetgirl

Woman holding baby: You don’t understand why I’m upset when, after I deliver your 10-pound baby, you take another woman to a wine bar?

–4th & Macdougal

Overheard by: kevin

Woman: Being pregnant is like slowly drinking a bottle of ipecac.

–52nd & Ave of the Americas

Five year old: This baby stuff is boring!

–Labor & Delivery, Our Lady of Mercy Medical Center, the Bronx

Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer

Douchebag: I swear to God, if some girl I was fucking got knocked up, I would kill myself. Well, I would kill myself and then I would punch her in the face…Fuck, if she got pregnant, I would tear that baby out with a fork!

–Metro-North

Hipster: I don’t care about getting married. I just want to get pregnant so I can see my gynecologist more often.

–Alma, Red Hook, Brooklyn