All Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners are Legends in Their Own Minds

Girl: My life is kind of boring for how cool I am.

–Greenwich & Perry, West Village

Overheard by: B-rooke

Hobo: It’s kind of rough being the most handsome toothless guy in the world.

–Washington Square Park fountain

30-ish hipster wannabe: How can you not see how amazing I am?

–53rd St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Someone still looking for something amazing.

Asian girl on cell: I’m not elitist, I’m just better than everyone else.

–59th & 5th

Angry rastafarian: What are you looking at? I am the best crazy Jesus-believer ever!

–5 train

Overheard by: believed him

Tales from Wednesday One-Liners’ Crypt

Man on cell: What are you, some sort of reverse vampire?

–C train

Dude: And there were unicorns exploding in the background… or at least doing whatever it is unicorns do.

–Live Bait, 23rd St

Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson

Chick: You kind of look like a vampire in this picture. But a cool vampire! Like, if you were in The Lost Boys, Kiefer Sutherland would totally want to have sex with you.

–55th & 6th

Overheard by: wants to have sex with Kiefer Sutherland

Drunk hobo chuckling: You people look depressed! I know how to cheer you up. I’ll sing my favorite song! ‘Ding, dong, the witch is dead, the witch is dead…’ [Looks around] Hmmm… [Notices the train going express] What the…? I need a new mathematician! I need a new mathematician!

–6 train making express stops on a surprise basis

Overheard by: Barry Negrin

Sax-wielding hobo: I am an alien! From outer space! Not from Mexico!

–L train

Overheard by: Alex P. Keaton

Ricky’s employee: Looks like I’m all out in the fairy department.

–58th & Broadway

Mom: Johnny, put down the sword. Vampires don’t use weapons. Their teeth are their weapons.

–Halloween shop, 8th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Adam Nathan

Wednesday One-Liners Have Sore Cheeks

Blonde chick on cell: Did you hear? She joined the Army! Isn’t that cute?

–Ave A & 9th St

Overheard by: Hannah

Mommy wannabe: You are so cute it’s retarded! It’s retarded how cute you are! Seriously!

–Prospect Park

Overheard by: A White Bear

Tourist guy: Oh, that’s cute. All the benches are donated.

–Central Park

Overheard by: sarah

Guy: She’s just your standard-issue cute girl. There are a million of ’em in the city. There are probably a hundred just on this train!

–6 train

Thug on cell: Did they go up her butt? Then they ain’t cute. Only if they on you…

–Broadway & 12th

Overheard by: Jess McGins

Blonde teen: You are sooo cute when you’re drunk!

–Bridle Path, Central Park

Overheard by: if walls had ears

Pundit: The word ‘cute’ doesn’t do the men in here justice… Ha, ha. I made a funny!

–Queens County Civil Courthouse

Better-Off Wednesday One-Liners

Irate quasi-thug on cell: Do you value your life? Do you want to die? No, I ain’t threatenin’ you. You can’t play with a man’s emotions like that. No. Do you want to die? I’m just asking… Do you want to die? I– [second party hangs up].

–Metro-North

Overheard by: Mikey G

Crazy crackhead: I am not your average crackhead — I will kill you!

–Lenox & 118th

Lady: And the rest are buried in the… front lawn.

–Columbus Park

Overheard by: Bitch that shit ain’t right!

Puerto Rican guy: I don’t have to! The only thing I have to do is be Puerto Rican and die, because you know I don’t pay taxes!

–R train

Irish construction worker: I’m telling you, she had a clit like a dead turkey’s neck.

–LIRR to Huntington

Overheard by: Laffer

Checkout lady: If anyone tries to get in line behind you, kill ’em.

–Costco, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

Nerd to another: It’s better to just fake your own death and live your life on an island somewhere.

–Broadway & Duane

Overheard by: Ronzoni

The Weird Science of Wednesday One-Liners

Dude: It weirds me out when deaf people can talk.

–Bryant Park

Chick: There’s a house, and he grew up in that house, and now he lives in that house. How weird. How local.

–N train, Queens

Overheard by: Morgan

Guy: I want a giant tattoo of Weird Al and Thomas Dolby shaking hands.

–Bar, Lower East Side

Hipster on cell: Is wanting a bed-and-breakfast, a weed garden, and a forest full of Thai tranny fawns so fucking weird?

–Houston and Elizabeth

Girl: So we were at her house the other day smoking pot, and I was like, ‘This pot tastes weird.’ And I asked John if it tasted weird and he said, ‘Yeah, it does.’ So I asked her if she had been using her crack pipe to smoke pot out of again and she said, ‘Oops.’

–20th St & 8th Ave

Bright-purple-mohawk guy to shaved-head girl with multiple nose piercings: Your best friend is so weird!

–12th St & University Pl

Overheard by: Joe

Suit on cell: Yeah, it’s kind of weird dating my sister.

–33rd & 7th

Wednesday One-Liners Hate Everybody Equally

Girl on cell: I’m in this ethnography class. And I thought it would be, like, really easy, but there’s all this vocab — they use language in this different way that I’m not used to. So I said something, and this girl repeated it and made me look really bad. Well, we were talking about race, you know? And I just said that every race has their specialties, right? But now everyone in the class thinks I’m racist… Who knows?!

–Washington Square

Gilchrist, founder of the Minutemen, moments before students stormed the stage: What did you say? I don’t speak Mexican.

–Columbia University

Bouncer talking to people in front of Webster Hall: First, I have been nothing but a gentleman in talking to you. Your racial bullshit is not needed here. Second, I am a spic, not a nigger. If you’re gonna insult me, get it right.

–11th St between 3rd & 4th Ave

Overheard by: AJ

Black crackhead: Spare some change, Miss? I’ve been asking the niggers, but they don’t give me shit.

–Broadway & 11th St

Overheard by: Miss I Am Not a Nigger

Model wannabe: You should forget about him, he’s just a racist spic.

–Steinway & Broadway, Astoria

Overheard by: Crash

Black girl: That was the most racist, sexist movie I have ever seen, and I loved it!

–Kaufman Theaters, Astoria

Overheard by: A White Guy

Wednesday One-Liners Are as Dumb as They Look

Prep chick: Is it amoebas that come from Mexico? Or am I thinking of armadillos?

–5th Ave

Overheard by: Francesca

White teen girl: So, is there a Friday next week?

–4 train

Overheard by: Gregorio

Girlfriend: If your friends told you to jump down a bridge, would you do it?

–D train, Grand Concourse

Suit to black gangster holding large chameleon: Excuse me, sir. What species of dinosaur is that?

–Manhattan-bound F train

Overheard by: Josh

Teen: So how much would the game cost if it was $17.99?

–Game Stop, Forest Hills

Future zoologist: They have sea lions here! They’re like lions — from the sea!

–Central Park Zoo

Overheard by: Andrew K.

Wednesday One-Liners Have a ‘Social Disease’

Ghetto woman on payphone: I got herpes, and they be killin’. Herpes. Herpes! I got herpes on my pussy! There, now the whole block knows.

–108th & Broadway

Overheard by: sapphirebluemica

Attractive 20-something businessman: Yeah, I’ve got herpes!

–65th & Lex

Overheard by: Brownsvillegirl

Guy: … Herpes … Chlamydia … Gonorrhea … Syphilis … Crabs … Oh! Sex warts!

–Bedford & 7th

Overheard by: where do i sign up

Lady to suitor: Leave me alone, I have chlamydia!

–Kevin St. James Bar

Overheard by: Maryann

Chick: What? He has a disease? [Pause] Well, I wish I knew that beforehand…

–Union Square

Skinny blonde: I’m going to sew my vagina shut, because I’m a walking STD.

–the Dojo’s near NYU

Guy: If you didn’t get AIDS when you slept with her, you’re not going to get AIDS by sharing a Band-Aid.

–14th St & 7th Ave

The Education of Wednesday One-Liners

Professor: If you put a frog in a beaker of water and gradually heat it, at about 160 degrees or so the frog will look around and say, ‘Oh, shit! I’m dead!’

–NYU

Overheard by: Emily J

Professor, as student closes window and piece of paper floats outside: At least it wasn’t a body.

–SVA

Overheard by: jaclyn

Professor spastically spilling coffee on text: I just got so excited by Emerson I ejaculated my coffee all over him.

–Literature class, Columbia University

Professor: The Native Americans used peyote as part of their religion. And if you do peyote, believe me, you’re going to have a religious experience. You’re going to think you’re flying next to God, like, ‘Hey, God! Why you going so slow?’

–Columbia University

Overheard by: leilah

Professor: Please turn off your cell phones, beepers, pagers, interactive Gatorade bottles… Thank you.

–College

Overheard by: Kaleena

Writing teacher: … And I thought to myself, ‘These people are artists. They’re not supposed to be acting like normal people. They should be acting aloof and riding some sort of bizarre bicycle that they made themselves.’

–Eugene Lang College

Professor: I’m so not used to teaching like this… It’s like a classroom.

–Eugene Lang College, the New School

Overheard by: rpk

Wednesday One-Liners Will Do Anything to Get This Part

Girl: Seriously, I’d give, like, 20 blowjobs to get an apartment.

–Barna, 26th & Park

Overheard by: Greg

Crazy guy: I gotta stop eating pussy. I’m losing my breath.

–F train

Girl to guy: If you don’t like oral sex, don’t open your mouth.

–68th St station

Overheard by: liza

Guy defending self to group of friends: I’ve tasted pussy!

–Chelsea

Overheard by: Reina

Guy on cell: Which one? Me sucking dick or San Francisco?

–Wagner College, Staten Island

Teen girl: I need balls in my mouth.

–Disney Store, 5th Ave

Overheard by: Gin

Ghetto teen: And so she was suckin’ my dick, and there was a 10 dollar bill on the table, and — get this — when she stopped suckin’, it was gone! Bitch took my money!

–Fulton Mall, Brooklyn

Overheard by: djingo

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