All Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners Need a Little Bit of Lube and a Whole Lotta Love

Queer: So I’m fucking this guy in the ass, and he tries to kiss me, and I’m like, ‘What the hell are you doing?’

–University Place

Hobo: And then the fucker slapped his cock in my ass!

–5th Ave & 22nd St

Overheard by: A bum rap

Queer: I expected something better and all I got was the big dick in my ass!

–Mobile station

Dude: I swear, if Bob Dylan was a chick I would totally fuck him up the ass.

–8th St & Ave C

Man on phone: Yeah, I’m talkin’ big, wet butt-orgy.

–46th St & 7th Ave

Man: Anal is such a pain in the ass, you know?

–Astor Place

I Smell a Wednesday One-Liner

Woman to young son: That’s not a superhero, that’s a rat.

–Subway station, 116th & Lenox

Conductor on loudspeaker: Stand clear of the closing doors. Do not hold the doors or else you will be bitten by a rat!

–A train

Overheard by: Jake

Mother to child: Don’t do that or I’m going to throw you in the sewer… with the rats and the alligators.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Thompson

Guy holding four-year-old: Damn, this mothafucka smells like rat ass and monkey nuts.

–2 train, Fulton & Nassau

Man: They call it ‘rat poison,’ but it could just as easily be called ‘husband poison.’

–Near Fat Black Pussycat, W 3rd St

Overheard by: Leslie G.

Wednesday One-Liners for the Breeders

Father to eight-year-old daughter: Let me put it this way: your opinion has merit, but it doesn’t have weight.

–SoHo

Angry mom: What?! We were just in the bathroom — you said, ‘No’! Can you hold it? [Four-year-old son shakes his head.] Augh! What is the matter with you? I am so mad at you right now!

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Kyla

Mother pushing young child in stroller: Would you do it for a Scooby Snack?

–7th Ave, Park Slope

Overheard by: USY lover

Mother to young son: I would love to know how this obsession with canned peaches got started.

–M102 bus

Nanny to four-year-old: Heather*, you don’t seem very centered today.

–6th Ave & 13th St

Overheard by: em

Hey, Wednesday One-Liners, What Exit You From?

Mom to three-year-old: Actually, there are two other airports in New York. One is called ‘JFK,’ and the other is called ‘New Jersey.’

–111th & Broadway

Overheard by: Fudd

Drunk girl: Well, somebody’s walking back to Jersey tonight!

–Times Square

Man on cell: Well, you’re really going to have to gather whatever inner strength you’ve got, look inside yourself, stay strong… Be prepared to live without me around… Huh? New Jersey! What did you think I meant?

–42nd & 5th

Overheard by: Matthew K. Johnson

Guy on cell: She’s moving to Israel? Really? I guess people really will do anything to get out of New Jersey.

–Park Slope

Woman on cell: No, you see, this guy was a Jersey guy. He might have made it big on Wall Street, but he’s a Jersey guy. That was a mistake.

–Battery Park

Billable Hours of Wednesday One-Liners

Guy: Is it a good idea to pursue a career in law just because I love Law and Order?

–Pace University

Overheard by: Pants

Suit: You know what I should have done? Skipped law school and gone straight to the Army!

–C train, 23rd St

Paralegal: I seriously wish that I could just give up this law thing and become a lion trainer.

–Battery Park

Girl on cell: I mean, I think a law degree is really, like, fluid. You can do anything with it. Like, I don’t know… practice law?

–6th Ave & Canal St

Overheard by: Kate Elizabeth Queram

Passion of the Wednesday One-Liners

Man: ‘Cause I’m like, ‘Seven a.m. is too fuckin’ early for Jesus — too fuckin’ early.’

–Union Square station

Overheard by: DM Cook

Caribbean woman pacing back and forth on crowded subway: Excuse me, Ladies and Gentlemen, Jesus is coming! Jesus is on the number two train tonight! Repent! Repent! Jesus is coming and he’s on the number two train tonight. Repent for your sins! Jesus died for you — for men, women, lesbians, gays…

–Uptown 2 train from 72nd St

Overheard by: pimnana

Drunk student: So, she said that Jesus loves you and died for your sins and made the Statue of Liberty disappear, or something.

–Uptown 2 train from 66th St

Overheard by: Avatarded

Homeless man on subway speaker: I am the lord, Jesus Christ. He is everywhere, including on this train… Give Jesus money and food or else hell will come down. [As police approach] Fuck off the lord, nigga.

–1 train, 168th St

Girl to friend: You know what? You need Jesus. You need Jesus!

–John Jay College

Overheard by: Scott

Woman successfully holding many paper towel rolls in hands and an open umbrella between her chin and shoulder: I am Jesus now.

–109 & Broadway

Overheard by: trying to stay dry

Bathtub Wednesday One-Liners

Girl on cell: Did I get tanked yesterday? Of course I got tanked yesterday! Yesterday was my getting-tanked day!

–79th, between 2nd & 3rd

Overheard by: Helena the Great

Little boy buying a soda: Can I drink mine inside a paper bag like Daddy does?

–Church & Chambers

Drunk: I’ll be so hungover for my AA meeting tomorrow!

–Time Square

Customer: Yeah, I haven’t seen a lot of alcoholics around lately. I wonder why?

–Joe Jr’s, 6th Ave & 12th St

Overheard by: Joe (but not Jr.)

Hobo: Anyone have a nickel or dime that I could put toward the purchase of alcohol?

–St. Marks & Ave A

Overheard by: rennysgirl

Wet and Ready Wednesday One-Liners

Guy: What’s so funny? Vagina? I’m not scared to say ‘vagina,’ watch: Vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina!

–Grand Army Plaza

Columbia student: Do strippers use their vaginas?

–Massawa Ethiopian, 120th & Amsterdam

Girl wearing jerz shirt: Guys, if I zipped my pussy, of course I would tell you.

–27th St

Middle school boy to another: Do you know what a ‘cunt’ is? It’s a pussy. [Pause] You should know that, it’s Jamaican.

–B69 bus

Overheard by: Bilingual

Guy standing in pile of luggage outside women’s restroom: Man, I’m glad my vagina’s not with me today.

–Grand Central Station

Overheard by: A Vagina

Wednesday One-Liners are Feeling Flush

Voice from stall: God, will you give me a sign?

–Restroom, United Nations

Overheard by: Nicolas

Girl in stall: Ugh! The toilet paper is totally not loving me!

–Restroom, Starbucks

Woman crammed in restroom stall with two girls: Okay, hold on… Alright, now. So, tell me what’s up! How do you girls like school?

–Mustang Harry’s, 34th St

Overheard by: Rachel Jordan

Man at urinal: Ow! …That’s not good.

–Restroom, Yankee Stadium

Overheard by: RG

African dude settling into urinal stance: Lookie-here, what’ve we got here? Lookie-here at what we have!

–Restroom, Washington Square Park

Overheard by: off white

Voice from Port-a-Potty: Oh baby, oh baby. Yes!

–Gramercy Park

Suck on Our Chocolate, Salty Wednesday One-Liners

Teen girl to cat: You’re not at all like Steven; you don’t even have no balls!

–Central Park

Overheard by: Annichen Fors

Hipster: Yeah, so he used his balls as a can-opener.

–Thompson St

Overheard by: Holly Golightly

Loud guy on cell: I’m sick of that motherfucker! I’m gonna buy him a tea and piss in it. He’s a moron. Meet me now, and you can watch me do it. I’m sick of that motherfucker! I’m gonna buy him a bagel with cream cheese and drag my sweaty balls all over it. He’s always bitchin’, ‘I’m hungry! Got anything to eat?’ Motherfucker! Eat this, motherfucker!

–AirTrain, JFK

Overheard by: Mike L.

Man on stoop: I think her balls are really sensitive.

–Christopher & 7th

Man: You can put your balls on my head anytime!

–48th St

Overheard by: Heather

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