All Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners Rated ‘V’ for Violent

Boy: Yeah, I mean, the only way that I’d be pissed is if you stabbed me…

–Butler Library, Columbia University

Dude: He threw a bagel at me — knocked me the fuck out!

–15th St & 9th Ave

Overheard by: Michael Pantozzi

Guidance counselor mediating a conflict between a flock of tween girls: Okay, Yamira* can still go on the field trip, because she told the truth about punching Janalin* in the face.

–PS 8, Washington Heights

Little boy: Smack that, lalalala! [Smacks brother in stroller.] Smack that, lalalala! [Smacks brother again.] Smack that! Lalalala!

–Macy’s

Overheard by: amused sales associate

Guy on cell: Yeah, after that hug I wanted to punch her.

–Walgreens, Union Square

Wednesday One-Liners Go over Their Minutes

Young thug: Don’t be talkin’ ’bout Sigmund Freud. That’s my dawg.

–W 85th & Broadway

Chick: I don’t like smooth talk. I’m too slow for it.

–2nd St & Ave B

Overheard by: apples

Business chick: We keep talking about nymphomania, but I can’t remember what we decided.

–Rite-Aid, 125th & 5th

Guido on cell: Fucking the shit out of you, lying in bed after, and talking about state capitals! Is that all I fucking am to you? That’s the fucking highlight of my life.

–3rd Ave & 85th St, Bay Ridge

Overheard by: punkee

NYU chick: My mom’s calling me — let’s stop talking about how I think she’s a lesbian.

–Grand Central

Woman on cell: We just sat around and drank wine, watched movies, and talked about art and Armenian genocide — you know, the usual.

–Key Food, Park Slope

Overheard by: The Eel

Teacher: It’s scary when you people talk out loud. Some of the dumbest things come out of your mouths.

–Bronx Science

Overheard by: LSB

Steal This Wednesday One-Liner!

Teacher, after taking pencil from a student as part of a demonstration: Man, I just love stealing stuff from you kids!

–Brooklyn Tech

Overheard by: Liz

Ghetto teen looking at chick hiding her iPod: Don’t worry, I’m not gonna steal that shit. She thinks I’m gonna steal that shit. I should just steal that shit to spite her. Shit.

–B1 bus

Overheard by: Anti-Traffic Girl

Nerdy kid answering cell: Hello? Hello?! Hello! What?! No! No, I didn’t steal Max’s wallet! No!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Now deaf in my right ear

Guy selling watches on street: Come on, everyone, you need a watch. The best in the city, stolen from all your favorite warehouses.

–53rd & 7th

Man to lady: You lyin’, stealin’, your feet stink, and you don’t believe in Jesus.

–Target, Atlantic Center

Guy to girlfriend: …So I had to steal from them so that I could protect them.

–72nd & Broadway

Overheard by: Surfer Dude #1

Professor: Stealing is good, okay? Plagiarism is bad, but stealing is very, very good.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Lili

No-Class Wednesday One-Liners

Dude: Man, it was harder to cheat on that test than to just do it!

–23rd & Lex

Overheard by: Lisa

Girl on cell: Yo! I’m in class trying to act all straight, and it’s hard. No, I have a test right now. I took like four o’ that shit. I have to go, my professor’s here.

–John Jay College of Criminal Justice

Overheard by: hannah

JAP: Well, the professor hates me. He only thinks of me as the girl who leaves 20 minutes into his class, and I don’t know how to change it.

–Shun Lee Palace

Overheard by: colette

Student: Shit, my iPod is more important than my classes.

–Borough of Manhattan Community College

Overheard by: Caitl

Hipster teen: He got rejected from community college? He must have written on his essay, ‘I want to prey on Bronx Science kids and mug them.’

–6 train, 68th St

Overheard by: glad they went to private school

Wednesday One-Liners Enforce the Penile Code

Guy: Peanut butter and dick is so delicious.

–Henry St & Clinton St

Overheard by: Jeannie

Hipster girl to friends: … And that’s why guys shouldn’t try to suck their own dicks.

–Dominie’s Hoek, Long Island

Guy: I just made an RM cry. I feel like a compliance dickhead!

–Wall St

EMS worker: … And that’s how my penis landed in the punch bowl.

–Fordham & Southern

Guy on phone: What? If my balls are on your chin, where the fuck is my cock?

–Mercer & W 3rd

Overheard by: TheBrit

Woman in an ‘Officer Nasty’ costume: That girl sure knows how to bake a penis!

–Party, 168th & Broadway

Overheard by: Peter Pecker

Wednesday One-Liners Need a Little Bit of Lube and a Whole Lotta Love

Queer: So I’m fucking this guy in the ass, and he tries to kiss me, and I’m like, ‘What the hell are you doing?’

–University Place

Hobo: And then the fucker slapped his cock in my ass!

–5th Ave & 22nd St

Overheard by: A bum rap

Queer: I expected something better and all I got was the big dick in my ass!

–Mobile station

Dude: I swear, if Bob Dylan was a chick I would totally fuck him up the ass.

–8th St & Ave C

Man on phone: Yeah, I’m talkin’ big, wet butt-orgy.

–46th St & 7th Ave

Man: Anal is such a pain in the ass, you know?

–Astor Place

I Smell a Wednesday One-Liner

Woman to young son: That’s not a superhero, that’s a rat.

–Subway station, 116th & Lenox

Conductor on loudspeaker: Stand clear of the closing doors. Do not hold the doors or else you will be bitten by a rat!

–A train

Overheard by: Jake

Mother to child: Don’t do that or I’m going to throw you in the sewer… with the rats and the alligators.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Thompson

Guy holding four-year-old: Damn, this mothafucka smells like rat ass and monkey nuts.

–2 train, Fulton & Nassau

Man: They call it ‘rat poison,’ but it could just as easily be called ‘husband poison.’

–Near Fat Black Pussycat, W 3rd St

Overheard by: Leslie G.

Wednesday One-Liners for the Breeders

Father to eight-year-old daughter: Let me put it this way: your opinion has merit, but it doesn’t have weight.

–SoHo

Angry mom: What?! We were just in the bathroom — you said, ‘No’! Can you hold it? [Four-year-old son shakes his head.] Augh! What is the matter with you? I am so mad at you right now!

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Kyla

Mother pushing young child in stroller: Would you do it for a Scooby Snack?

–7th Ave, Park Slope

Overheard by: USY lover

Mother to young son: I would love to know how this obsession with canned peaches got started.

–M102 bus

Nanny to four-year-old: Heather*, you don’t seem very centered today.

–6th Ave & 13th St

Overheard by: em

Hey, Wednesday One-Liners, What Exit You From?

Mom to three-year-old: Actually, there are two other airports in New York. One is called ‘JFK,’ and the other is called ‘New Jersey.’

–111th & Broadway

Overheard by: Fudd

Drunk girl: Well, somebody’s walking back to Jersey tonight!

–Times Square

Man on cell: Well, you’re really going to have to gather whatever inner strength you’ve got, look inside yourself, stay strong… Be prepared to live without me around… Huh? New Jersey! What did you think I meant?

–42nd & 5th

Overheard by: Matthew K. Johnson

Guy on cell: She’s moving to Israel? Really? I guess people really will do anything to get out of New Jersey.

–Park Slope

Woman on cell: No, you see, this guy was a Jersey guy. He might have made it big on Wall Street, but he’s a Jersey guy. That was a mistake.

–Battery Park

Billable Hours of Wednesday One-Liners

Guy: Is it a good idea to pursue a career in law just because I love Law and Order?

–Pace University

Overheard by: Pants

Suit: You know what I should have done? Skipped law school and gone straight to the Army!

–C train, 23rd St

Paralegal: I seriously wish that I could just give up this law thing and become a lion trainer.

–Battery Park

Girl on cell: I mean, I think a law degree is really, like, fluid. You can do anything with it. Like, I don’t know… practice law?

–6th Ave & Canal St

Overheard by: Kate Elizabeth Queram

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