Wednesday One-Liners Have Their Own Kneepads

Grey-haired middle-aged man on cell: 40 grand for a suck. No… 40 grand, and I’ll suck your dick.

–Fashion District

Man on cell: What about the licking? Did you practice licking? I can’t teach you anything if you don’t practice. You have to practice the licking if you want to do it right.

–78th St & 37th Ave

Overheard by: Jillian

Homeless woman: Everyone on this train eats pussy! Guys, girls, all ya’ll!

–2 train

Overheard by: Macaire

Ghetto dude: Do you see that building? Do you see that building? That’s NYU. It took me 26 years to get my degree there. And what am I doing? Still sucking white dick.

–Bleecker & Mercer

Overheard by: Jay

Guy on cell: Yeah, man, this chick just gave me a blowjob. She was like, ‘Are you on Restless?’ And I was like, ‘Yeah,’ and then she dropped to her knees!

–2nd & 2nd

Overheard by: wishing i did soaps

Suit on cell: On one hand, you’re married, and I don’t need that kind of drama. On the other hand, you do owe me a blowjob.

–Wall St, 2-3 stop atrium

Overheard by: did he get a receipt?

Posted on January 31, 2007
Actors, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bag ladies, BJs, Black People, Eating Out, Homeless, Manhattan, Marriage, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, NYU, On Cell, On the Subway, People, Places, Pop Culture, School, Sex, Sex & Relationships, Suits, Topics, TV, Union Square and East Village, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport

Wednesday One-Liners Will TiVo It

Guy: I sold everything — the script, TV episodes, merchandising rights… They paid me two million dollars. It sucks, because after I pay off debts and taxes I’ll only have one million, and that doesn’t go as far as it used to.

–MoMA lobby

Overheard by: foofoo

Fat chick: … So I was like, ‘Mom, what the fuck? I don’t need a diet.’ Then she goes, ‘But your doctor told you that you’re a hundred pounds overweight — eat healthier!’ Then I just told her, ‘Screw you!’ I’d rather go on Maury than lose weight!

–Guggenheim Museum

Overheard by: Maury Povich’s viewer

Tween girl running towards crime scene minutes after a shooting: We’s gonna be on TV, nigga!

–137th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ladle

Liberace wannabe on cell: … And I thought, ‘Thank God,! She likes AbFab! At last, I can talk to her on a level playing field!’

–44th & 9th

Conductor: There’s another local train directly behind this one. Plenty of seats, color TV, open bar.

–W train to Astoria

Overheard by: MissPinkKate

Posted on January 24, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, Conductors, Fat People, TV, Tweens

Triple-Platinum Wednesday One-Liners

Prep: I only drink liquors that have been referenced in rap songs.

–Clinton Hill, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Kelly

Tourist watching Ashlee Simpson video on large screen: I thought she just kinda went away…

–44th & Broadway

Midwest tourist lady to Gary, Mayor of Strawberry Fields: Wow, was John Lennon inspired to write the song from this memorial?

–Central Park West at 72nd Street, at Strawberry Fields

Overheard by: Stuart

Teen looking at poster of Reba McEntire in Annie Get Your Gun: I didn’t know she sang!

–Marriot Marquis

Overheard by: theater babe

Gift wrap lady introducing new volunteers: Hey, John, this is Yoko…

–Barnes & Noble, Lincoln Center

Woman: Who’s Britney Spears?

–CVS, 87th & Lex

Overheard by: MojoSaves

Posted on January 24, 2007
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Preppies, Teens, Tourists

Take Our Wednesday One-Liners: Please!

Newspaper hander-outer: Don’t be scared to take a free Post!

–Public library

Guy handing out circus flyers: Great for kids! Bring your kids! Short kids, tall kids, small kids, fat kids…

–Columbus Circle

Flyer dude: Comedy show? Comedy show? [Depressed voice] No, I wouldn’t come either.

–Radio City Music Hall

Overheard by: Andrew K.

Guy selling comedy show tickets: You like comedy? Come to the show! Even fake IDs are accepted!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Bought comedy show tix, but not from him

Newspaper guy: Free New York Post! Get your free New York Post here! [Flips it over so the headlines are facing down.] Get your free New York Times here! Free New York Times!

–14th St & 4th Ave

Guy passing out postcards: Please take– Please take a– They won’t let me go home until I finish this!

–43rd & Broadway

Posted on January 24, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, Books & Writing, Jobs & Careers, Vendors & Street Performers

Wednesday One-Liners Keep Their iPods on and Their Eyes Focused on the Floor

Drunk Yankee fan: Oh, god. I need to get to Tarrytown, and there isn’t even a fucking steering wheel on the goddamn train!

–Train from Penn Station

Overheard by: tourist…

Automated female voice finishes announcing the stop.

Toddler: This is 23rd Street — Union Square! Transfers available to the S, L, N… The S! S, L, and N trains! Stand clear of the closing doors!

–6 train at 23rd St

Overheard by: vic

Woman to daughter: The Subway Lord might come through and kick you off.

–R train

Toddler quivering with fright: Oh, no, Mommy. Oh, no. Oh, dear… Oh, dear… Oh, dear. The train’s coming, Mommy. It’s coming. Oh, dear. Oh, no. Oh, no no no no no no! Mommy! It’s coming, Mommy! Oh, no, Mommy! Mommy! It’s coming. It’s coming! It’s coming, it’s coming! Ahhh!

–6 train station, 77th St

Overheard by: BJ

Black guy opening engineer’s door after 15 minutes of standstill: Yo, move this shit, or I’ll drive it myself!

–Canarsie-bound L train

Woman wedged into middle of packed car: Just another day in paradise.

–1 train, rush hour

Posted on January 17, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, Drunks, Kids, Moms, On the Subway, Penn Station, Trains Not Subway

Wednesday One-Liners Come under Fire from the FCC

Girl on cell: I have that freshly fucked feeling.

–The Gap, Bensonhurst

Lady on cell: Do you remember the guy who used to be in Grand Central all the time? The one with the doll… The doll he would fuck. He and the doll would do a fuck dance. He had it strapped to him at all times.

–Outside NYU dorm, E 14th St

Overheard by: college graduate

White trash gas station attendant: Life got a lot easier once I decided not to give a fuck.

–233rd St & Jerome Ave

Overheard by: Patrick Di Justo

Suit to another: Whatever, it’s New York. I’m expecting to get told ‘F-you’ like 17 times.

–LaGuardia airport

Overheard by: Raja

Ghetto girl licking fingers and lips after consuming hot dog: Mmm, girrrl… I fucked that hot dog up!

–Mercer and W. 4th

Dude: Ma… Ma, I only used the F-word once, Ma. I’m fucking serious here.

–44th & Broadway

Overheard by: Tourist from Canadia

Little boy shouting to friend across the street: I just learned how to say ‘Fuck’!

–Irving & Greene, Bushwick

Overheard by: Andy

Posted on January 17, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, Kids, On Cell, Suits, White Trash, Words

Wednesday One-Liners Went to Choate

Snob on cell: Could you do me a huuuge favor? Could you go outside and tell me what series BMW I own?

–69th & Lex

Overheard by: Bitter

Woman to another: I admire her strength so much… I don’t know how she did it! She raised three kids all by herself! Of course, she had her husband, but he doesn’t count. She still managed to raise three kids without a nanny or housekeeper! Can you imagine?

–Lex, Upper East Side

Overheard by: Chantell

JAP: Do we have a reservation?

–Outside Dean & Deluca, Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: The Decline of the West

Fussy rich girl picking up a 710-dollar Prada wallet: This would, like, so be a great trinket for Missy for Christmas.

–Saks, 5th Ave

Overheard by: Kerri.

JAP on cell: I don’t think you will like Daniel, but he is worth meeting because he is a billionaire.

–25th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: I’d like Daniel

Posted on January 17, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, Gifts, JAPs, Money & Class, Rich people

Wednesday One-Liners Shop at Williams-Sonoma

Girl: So I was sitting in my stew pot…

–60th & Lex

Overheard by: eliz

50-ish lady to teen daughter: I’m so confused about bowls.

–Housewares aisle, Target, Brooklyn

Overheard by: BrooklynQ

Girl with leaky coffee cup: Man, she gave me the bootleg cup! How come she gave me the bootleg cup? Man, I got the bootleg cup.

–Outside coffee shop, Times Square

Old guy: Hey, good to see you! Do you got a sharp knife?

–90th & Broadway

Mom: Spatula! Spatula! I have two words for you, spatula: Be-have!

–C train

Overheard by: Liz

Middle-aged guy to another on park bench: Man, I could sure use a nice bowl of genital soup.

–Central Park

Posted on January 3, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Still Celebrate Columbus Day

Jersey lady pointing at a French bulldog: Look at this face! He’s adorable! He looks Italian!

–26th & 7th

Overheard by: sara n.

College chick: You were born in Italy? That’s awesome… Speak some Italy for me. Wait, that’s what you speak, right?

–Classroom

Drunk yelling at a pizza shop: Who the fuck are you? You’re fucking Mexican! You’re not Italian! I’m Italian!! I make the fucking pizzas in this town!

–Bedford and N 7th St

Overheard by: Actually I’m from Equador

Guy: I feel like I’m at a dry-cleaning convention that is being shaken down by the mob.

–Korean-Italian wedding

Overheard by: Retarded Quarterback

Old lady with a cane: My father is Jewish and my mother is Italian, and I am in therapy.

–Lower Manhattan