All Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners Come under Fire from the FCC

Girl on cell: I have that freshly fucked feeling.

–The Gap, Bensonhurst

Lady on cell: Do you remember the guy who used to be in Grand Central all the time? The one with the doll… The doll he would fuck. He and the doll would do a fuck dance. He had it strapped to him at all times.

–Outside NYU dorm, E 14th St

Overheard by: college graduate

White trash gas station attendant: Life got a lot easier once I decided not to give a fuck.

–233rd St & Jerome Ave

Overheard by: Patrick Di Justo

Suit to another: Whatever, it’s New York. I’m expecting to get told ‘F-you’ like 17 times.

–LaGuardia airport

Overheard by: Raja

Ghetto girl licking fingers and lips after consuming hot dog: Mmm, girrrl… I fucked that hot dog up!

–Mercer and W. 4th

Dude: Ma… Ma, I only used the F-word once, Ma. I’m fucking serious here.

–44th & Broadway

Overheard by: Tourist from Canadia

Little boy shouting to friend across the street: I just learned how to say ‘Fuck’!

–Irving & Greene, Bushwick

Overheard by: Andy

Wednesday One-Liners Went to Choate

Snob on cell: Could you do me a huuuge favor? Could you go outside and tell me what series BMW I own?

–69th & Lex

Overheard by: Bitter

Woman to another: I admire her strength so much… I don’t know how she did it! She raised three kids all by herself! Of course, she had her husband, but he doesn’t count. She still managed to raise three kids without a nanny or housekeeper! Can you imagine?

–Lex, Upper East Side

Overheard by: Chantell

JAP: Do we have a reservation?

–Outside Dean & Deluca, Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: The Decline of the West

Fussy rich girl picking up a 710-dollar Prada wallet: This would, like, so be a great trinket for Missy for Christmas.

–Saks, 5th Ave

Overheard by: Kerri.

JAP on cell: I don’t think you will like Daniel, but he is worth meeting because he is a billionaire.

–25th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: I’d like Daniel

Wednesday One-Liners Shop at Williams-Sonoma

Girl: So I was sitting in my stew pot…

–60th & Lex

Overheard by: eliz

50-ish lady to teen daughter: I’m so confused about bowls.

–Housewares aisle, Target, Brooklyn

Overheard by: BrooklynQ

Girl with leaky coffee cup: Man, she gave me the bootleg cup! How come she gave me the bootleg cup? Man, I got the bootleg cup.

–Outside coffee shop, Times Square

Old guy: Hey, good to see you! Do you got a sharp knife?

–90th & Broadway

Mom: Spatula! Spatula! I have two words for you, spatula: Be-have!

–C train

Overheard by: Liz

Middle-aged guy to another on park bench: Man, I could sure use a nice bowl of genital soup.

–Central Park

Wednesday One-Liners Still Celebrate Columbus Day

Jersey lady pointing at a French bulldog: Look at this face! He’s adorable! He looks Italian!

–26th & 7th

Overheard by: sara n.

College chick: You were born in Italy? That’s awesome… Speak some Italy for me. Wait, that’s what you speak, right?

–Classroom

Drunk yelling at a pizza shop: Who the fuck are you? You’re fucking Mexican! You’re not Italian! I’m Italian!! I make the fucking pizzas in this town!

–Bedford and N 7th St

Overheard by: Actually I’m from Equador

Guy: I feel like I’m at a dry-cleaning convention that is being shaken down by the mob.

–Korean-Italian wedding

Overheard by: Retarded Quarterback

Old lady with a cane: My father is Jewish and my mother is Italian, and I am in therapy.

–Lower Manhattan

Wednesday One-Liners Are with the Band

Man: I am the piano of humans.

–32nd & Lex

Overheard by: Em

Boss: You don’t want to ruin your crack-high with that harmonica racket.

–1 Madison Ave

Overheard by: KDOTU

Four-year-old holding maracas: These shakers give me speed!

–VFW Hall, Long Island

Overheard by: Bored Beyond Belief

Hipster: None of them could play their instruments or sing, and they all kept spitting on each other, but there was free beer so I was there.

–Metropolitan and Union, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Jesse

Six-year-old girl is blowing hard on a clarinet-type toy.

Mom: If you start feeling dizzy, you tell Mommy, okay?

–East Village

Overheard by: jho

Woman eating lunch: …Then they threw my father out of the Communist Party again. This time it was for refusing to play his accordion at parties.

–1300 York Ave

Wednesday One-Liners Rated ‘V’ for Violent

Boy: Yeah, I mean, the only way that I’d be pissed is if you stabbed me…

–Butler Library, Columbia University

Dude: He threw a bagel at me — knocked me the fuck out!

–15th St & 9th Ave

Overheard by: Michael Pantozzi

Guidance counselor mediating a conflict between a flock of tween girls: Okay, Yamira* can still go on the field trip, because she told the truth about punching Janalin* in the face.

–PS 8, Washington Heights

Little boy: Smack that, lalalala! [Smacks brother in stroller.] Smack that, lalalala! [Smacks brother again.] Smack that! Lalalala!

–Macy’s

Overheard by: amused sales associate

Guy on cell: Yeah, after that hug I wanted to punch her.

–Walgreens, Union Square

Wednesday One-Liners Go over Their Minutes

Young thug: Don’t be talkin’ ’bout Sigmund Freud. That’s my dawg.

–W 85th & Broadway

Chick: I don’t like smooth talk. I’m too slow for it.

–2nd St & Ave B

Overheard by: apples

Business chick: We keep talking about nymphomania, but I can’t remember what we decided.

–Rite-Aid, 125th & 5th

Guido on cell: Fucking the shit out of you, lying in bed after, and talking about state capitals! Is that all I fucking am to you? That’s the fucking highlight of my life.

–3rd Ave & 85th St, Bay Ridge

Overheard by: punkee

NYU chick: My mom’s calling me — let’s stop talking about how I think she’s a lesbian.

–Grand Central

Woman on cell: We just sat around and drank wine, watched movies, and talked about art and Armenian genocide — you know, the usual.

–Key Food, Park Slope

Overheard by: The Eel

Teacher: It’s scary when you people talk out loud. Some of the dumbest things come out of your mouths.

–Bronx Science

Overheard by: LSB

Steal This Wednesday One-Liner!

Teacher, after taking pencil from a student as part of a demonstration: Man, I just love stealing stuff from you kids!

–Brooklyn Tech

Overheard by: Liz

Ghetto teen looking at chick hiding her iPod: Don’t worry, I’m not gonna steal that shit. She thinks I’m gonna steal that shit. I should just steal that shit to spite her. Shit.

–B1 bus

Overheard by: Anti-Traffic Girl

Nerdy kid answering cell: Hello? Hello?! Hello! What?! No! No, I didn’t steal Max’s wallet! No!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Now deaf in my right ear

Guy selling watches on street: Come on, everyone, you need a watch. The best in the city, stolen from all your favorite warehouses.

–53rd & 7th

Man to lady: You lyin’, stealin’, your feet stink, and you don’t believe in Jesus.

–Target, Atlantic Center

Guy to girlfriend: …So I had to steal from them so that I could protect them.

–72nd & Broadway

Overheard by: Surfer Dude #1

Professor: Stealing is good, okay? Plagiarism is bad, but stealing is very, very good.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Lili

No-Class Wednesday One-Liners

Dude: Man, it was harder to cheat on that test than to just do it!

–23rd & Lex

Overheard by: Lisa

Girl on cell: Yo! I’m in class trying to act all straight, and it’s hard. No, I have a test right now. I took like four o’ that shit. I have to go, my professor’s here.

–John Jay College of Criminal Justice

Overheard by: hannah

JAP: Well, the professor hates me. He only thinks of me as the girl who leaves 20 minutes into his class, and I don’t know how to change it.

–Shun Lee Palace

Overheard by: colette

Student: Shit, my iPod is more important than my classes.

–Borough of Manhattan Community College

Overheard by: Caitl

Hipster teen: He got rejected from community college? He must have written on his essay, ‘I want to prey on Bronx Science kids and mug them.’

–6 train, 68th St

Overheard by: glad they went to private school

Wednesday One-Liners Enforce the Penile Code

Guy: Peanut butter and dick is so delicious.

–Henry St & Clinton St

Overheard by: Jeannie

Hipster girl to friends: … And that’s why guys shouldn’t try to suck their own dicks.

–Dominie’s Hoek, Long Island

Guy: I just made an RM cry. I feel like a compliance dickhead!

–Wall St

EMS worker: … And that’s how my penis landed in the punch bowl.

–Fordham & Southern

Guy on phone: What? If my balls are on your chin, where the fuck is my cock?

–Mercer & W 3rd

Overheard by: TheBrit

Woman in an ‘Officer Nasty’ costume: That girl sure knows how to bake a penis!

–Party, 168th & Broadway

Overheard by: Peter Pecker

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