All Wednesday One-Liners

Insatiable Wednesday One-Liners

Guy on cell: No, no, no! He said they came to search him and he swallowed it.

–Sullivan & Bleecker

Teen girl at human limbs exhibit: Hmmm, I’m hungry.

–Bodies Exhibit, South St Seaport

Frat boy on cell: I miss you, baby. I love ya. I want to taste your saliva. Call me later when you’re drunk.

–University Pl & 14th St

Overheard by: Erin

Bimbette lighting a cigarette: This probably isn’t what I should be having for breakfast.

–14th St & 1st Ave

Man on cell: Have you talked about coating her in peanut butter and jelly and eating her like a sandwich? No? Okay.

–Starbucks, Court St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: MmmSandwich

Mom: Who’s the yummiest baby in the world? Is it you? Are you super-duper yummy?

–115th St & Broadway

Wednesday One-Liners Fail English? That Unpossible.

Crackhead girl talking to old pimp: I don’t know why for she call you… Just to be talkin’ shit… You know how I be is…

–Bed-Stuy

Vassar student: If I spoke France fluently, I’d be there right now!

–West 7th & Avenue T

Man leaning into friend’s car window: Nah, she aight… Nah, she aight… Nah, she aight. [Sees a guy across the street] Hey, man, you aight? Aight… Nah, she aight…

–150th & Macombs

Black woman: He coulda played for the Bears, he coulda played for the Jets, but nothing never stucked.

–14th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: off white

Earnest student giving presentation: I was going to talk about Freud, but I decided he was tangenital to the discussion.

–NYU Silver Center

Overheard by: She wasn’t kidding, and no one laughed

Artistic hipster wannabe: Also, not to get too psychoanaliterature…

–Starbucks, Union Square West

Overheard by: Benjamin

Thug: Yo, nigga, don’t make me yo’ escapegoat!

–4 train, Bronx

Overheard by: charles elliot

Wednesday One-Liners Know Best

Woman on cell: My father is, like, my retarded child.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Rick

Chick on cell: My father’s sister moved there. Then my aunt went.

–29th & Park

Overheard by: Adam Nathan

Drunk guy: Ew! Mom and Dad have foot sex? I don’t even want to think about it!

–Far Rockaway train

Overheard by: Liz

Little tourist girl: A lot of people are wearing black today, Daddy.

–46th & Broadway

Overheard by: Scarfish

Woman to another: Every time I get pregnant, I always worry, ‘Who mah baby daddy?’

–Barnes & Noble, Union Square

Guy to friends: So, you didn’t fondle her dad’s belly?

–Columbus Circle

Student on cell: Hi, Dad! How are you? [Long pause] This is your son.

–NYU Law

Wednesday One-Liners Always Have a Date

Man on cell: I had never used a dildo before, you know? It’s just never come up, I guess. So I think, ‘Okay, I’m not that young anymore — I’ll take what I can get…’ and it was going fine, but then I didn’t know you’re not supposed to shove it in that fast…

–14th St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Peter L

Dude on cell: Why would I get the pink one? It’s not a dildo, it’s a back massager from Duane Reade.

–Christopher & 7th

Girl: I’ve got my Reisens and my vibrator, and I’m all set!

–Duane Reade, Montague & Court, Brooklyn

Young woman turning to male friend: So, bud, conquered any good buttplugs lately?

–6 train

Girl whispering: I think that girl in line behind me just read this text about rubber pussy cups!

–Victoria’s Secret dressing room

20-something guy to pals at brunch: I’m tired of being the guy with all the good sex toys!

–56th & 9th

The Original Ray’s Wednesday One-Liners

Guy on cell: We can eat pizza and watch people’s faces get cut off!

–Nassau & Humboldt, Greenpoint

Drunk guy: Come eat this pizza! It’s the best fucking pizza in the city. Best fucking pizza in the city. I fucking guarantee it. Fucking best pizza. Good choice, ma’am. This is the best fucking pizza in the city. [Passerby goes in, exits 10 minutes later.] God, I have no idea what I’m going to do with my life.

–Bleecker & Sullivan

Overheard by: d f

Tourist: Oh, Ray’s Pizzeria – I’ve seen that pizzeria before! I think I’ve been here before!

–St. Mark’s & 3rd

Guy: Oh my god, I totally need a hammock made of pizza.

–ACE station, 42nd St

Overheard by: Janet

Wednesday One-Liners Have Their Own Kneepads

Grey-haired middle-aged man on cell: 40 grand for a suck. No… 40 grand, and I’ll suck your dick.

–Fashion District

Man on cell: What about the licking? Did you practice licking? I can’t teach you anything if you don’t practice. You have to practice the licking if you want to do it right.

–78th St & 37th Ave

Overheard by: Jillian

Homeless woman: Everyone on this train eats pussy! Guys, girls, all ya’ll!

–2 train

Overheard by: Macaire

Ghetto dude: Do you see that building? Do you see that building? That’s NYU. It took me 26 years to get my degree there. And what am I doing? Still sucking white dick.

–Bleecker & Mercer

Overheard by: Jay

Guy on cell: Yeah, man, this chick just gave me a blowjob. She was like, ‘Are you on Restless?’ And I was like, ‘Yeah,’ and then she dropped to her knees!

–2nd & 2nd

Overheard by: wishing i did soaps

Suit on cell: On one hand, you’re married, and I don’t need that kind of drama. On the other hand, you do owe me a blowjob.

–Wall St, 2-3 stop atrium

Overheard by: did he get a receipt?

Wednesday One-Liners Will TiVo It

Guy: I sold everything — the script, TV episodes, merchandising rights… They paid me two million dollars. It sucks, because after I pay off debts and taxes I’ll only have one million, and that doesn’t go as far as it used to.

–MoMA lobby

Overheard by: foofoo

Fat chick: … So I was like, ‘Mom, what the fuck? I don’t need a diet.’ Then she goes, ‘But your doctor told you that you’re a hundred pounds overweight — eat healthier!’ Then I just told her, ‘Screw you!’ I’d rather go on Maury than lose weight!

–Guggenheim Museum

Overheard by: Maury Povich’s viewer

Tween girl running towards crime scene minutes after a shooting: We’s gonna be on TV, nigga!

–137th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ladle

Liberace wannabe on cell: … And I thought, ‘Thank God,! She likes AbFab! At last, I can talk to her on a level playing field!’

–44th & 9th

Conductor: There’s another local train directly behind this one. Plenty of seats, color TV, open bar.

–W train to Astoria

Overheard by: MissPinkKate

Triple-Platinum Wednesday One-Liners

Prep: I only drink liquors that have been referenced in rap songs.

–Clinton Hill, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Kelly

Tourist watching Ashlee Simpson video on large screen: I thought she just kinda went away…

–44th & Broadway

Midwest tourist lady to Gary, Mayor of Strawberry Fields: Wow, was John Lennon inspired to write the song from this memorial?

–Central Park West at 72nd Street, at Strawberry Fields

Overheard by: Stuart

Teen looking at poster of Reba McEntire in Annie Get Your Gun: I didn’t know she sang!

–Marriot Marquis

Overheard by: theater babe

Gift wrap lady introducing new volunteers: Hey, John, this is Yoko…

–Barnes & Noble, Lincoln Center

Woman: Who’s Britney Spears?

–CVS, 87th & Lex

Overheard by: MojoSaves

Take Our Wednesday One-Liners: Please!

Newspaper hander-outer: Don’t be scared to take a free Post!

–Public library

Guy handing out circus flyers: Great for kids! Bring your kids! Short kids, tall kids, small kids, fat kids…

–Columbus Circle

Flyer dude: Comedy show? Comedy show? [Depressed voice] No, I wouldn’t come either.

–Radio City Music Hall

Overheard by: Andrew K.

Guy selling comedy show tickets: You like comedy? Come to the show! Even fake IDs are accepted!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Bought comedy show tix, but not from him

Newspaper guy: Free New York Post! Get your free New York Post here! [Flips it over so the headlines are facing down.] Get your free New York Times here! Free New York Times!

–14th St & 4th Ave

Guy passing out postcards: Please take– Please take a– They won’t let me go home until I finish this!

–43rd & Broadway

Wednesday One-Liners Keep Their iPods on and Their Eyes Focused on the Floor

Drunk Yankee fan: Oh, god. I need to get to Tarrytown, and there isn’t even a fucking steering wheel on the goddamn train!

–Train from Penn Station

Overheard by: tourist…

Automated female voice finishes announcing the stop.

Toddler: This is 23rd Street — Union Square! Transfers available to the S, L, N… The S! S, L, and N trains! Stand clear of the closing doors!

–6 train at 23rd St

Overheard by: vic

Woman to daughter: The Subway Lord might come through and kick you off.

–R train

Toddler quivering with fright: Oh, no, Mommy. Oh, no. Oh, dear… Oh, dear… Oh, dear. The train’s coming, Mommy. It’s coming. Oh, dear. Oh, no. Oh, no no no no no no! Mommy! It’s coming, Mommy! Oh, no, Mommy! Mommy! It’s coming. It’s coming! It’s coming, it’s coming! Ahhh!

–6 train station, 77th St

Overheard by: BJ

Black guy opening engineer’s door after 15 minutes of standstill: Yo, move this shit, or I’ll drive it myself!

–Canarsie-bound L train

Woman wedged into middle of packed car: Just another day in paradise.

–1 train, rush hour

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