Wednesday One-liners Like Cans of Beans

Hobo: Well, mathematically speaking, I’m fucked.

–2nd Avenue station

Overheard by: Maddog

Hobo: I don’t steal. I don’t snatch purses. I don’t bother women. But don’t get me wrong, I’m not a homosexual. But I do bathe. And I do sleep on the subway ’cause I am a bum.

–4 train

Overheard by: Jen McC.

Hobo: Anybody want to take the day off and cuddle with me? It’s kosher!

–52nd & 5th

Overheard by: Jess

Hobo: I’m just tryin’ to get some pussy here and all y’all gotta come up in here and bother me. Damn.

–PATH train

Overheard by: Everett Moran

Hobo: I’ve been shitting plastic lately.

–Q60 bus

Overheard by: Ben

Hobo: Please help me…Please help me…I need money to buy popcorn…Please help me…I need a hot meal…I need money to buy popcorn.

–53rd & Park

Hobo: Uh oh, uh oh! You make a big doo-doo! It’s okay. I make big doo-doos too.

–Astor Place

Overheard by: Melissa Cole

Hobo: Spare a little change, girls? That’s all right, God bless you…even the Chinese girl.

–Bank & Bleecker

Hobo: The tax man has a licence to kill. No questions asked. More people should know that.

–5th Avenue-53rd Street station

Overheard by: Tzvi Tampa

Hobo: If you see a suspicious black package on this train do not pick it up. If you see a large, black package on my seat after I leave, do not worry. It is not a bomb. I’ve been riding this train for fifteen years. Leave it for the Coney island clean-up crew. They’ll take care of it. It is not a weapon, it is not filled with hundred dollar bills, just don’t touch it…Did you know that Union Square is a hundred years older than Times Square?

–N train

Overheard by: Zelda

Hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, sorry for the interruption. I am trying to raise one million dollars and 25 cents for wine research.

–4 train

Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer

Hobo: All you people who just got on the train, everybody in this car already gave me $7. Everybody gave me $7 but you.

–6 train

Girl: So I saw this homeless guy walking down the street with, like, all the bags and stuff, and he had something bewtween his teeth!

–6 train

Hobo: Hey man, help an ugly dude out, will ya?

–33rd & 8th

Overheard by: Brian Graham

Hobo: What’s the holdup? Let’s get this train moving! There’s people gots to go to work, gots to go to school! There’s pregnant people! Court musicians!

–R train

Hobo: Yeah, a couple of Jewish lawyers out to fuck the world…Shee-it.

–42nd & Lexington

Overheard by: Ronald A. Veenker

Posted on February 22, 2006
Anger Management, Hobos, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Multiculturalism, Overheard Style, On the Bus, On the Subway, One-liners, Poop, Sex, Sex & Relationships, The Village, Trains Not Subway

I Hope Lois Had a Cesarean

Tourist teen girl: I hope we see one of the Olsen twins.
Tourist mom: Oh, they were so cute on that show.
Man: Those kids were disgusting. They weren’t cute. They were hideous. They should have put bags over their heads. You know who is a cute baby? Stewie Griffin. You know, from The Family Guy? He wants to kill his mother and take over the world.
Tourist mom: Okay, thanks!

–W Train

Overheard by: Ubiquitous Attorney

Posted on February 19, 2006
About Celebrities, Anger Management, On the Subway, Pop Culture, Tourists, TV

That’s Not What the Bird Said

Guy: Motherfucker of God!
Chick: That would be Joseph.

–60th & Broadway

Overheard by: James Wolf

Posted on February 18, 2006
Anger Management, Manhattan, Religion, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

The Beauty That is Wednesday One-liners

Queer: You know who I feel really bad for? Really ugly people.

–Mug’z Sports Bar, Belmont

Posted on February 15, 2006
Anger Management, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Fashion, Hobos, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Old People, One-liners, Queers, Teens, The Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

Wednesday One-liners Give Bad Gifts

Teen girl: Now what she needs is a razor dildo.

–93rd & Broadway

Overheard by: Alissa R.

Posted on February 15, 2006
Anger Management, Arts & Letters, Books & Writing, Fashion, Food, Lower East Side, Manhattan, Masturbation, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Queers, Sex, Sex & Relationships, Teens, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

Rush Forgot His Pills

Old man: You think Hillary Clinton could be president? You’re out
of your mind. Hillary Clinton couldn’t get arrested in a whorehouse with a fist full of fifties. She’s ugly, she’s stupid and she has a big fat ass. She’s like a Hitler in female. All right, I’ll stop now and be a gentleman.
Guy: Okay.
Old man: Any Democrat on this train who thinks Hillary Clinton could be president is masturbating in their mind. All one hundred of them.
Guy: You have a nice night.

–R train

Overheard by: Dave and Lauren

Posted on February 13, 2006
About Celebrities, Anger Management, Masturbation, Old People, On the Subway, Politics, Pop Culture, Prostitution, Sex, Sex & Relationships

Oh, So Now It’s Our Fault?

The train has been sitting with its doors open.

Conductor: PA system test.

A dude leans out the door and yells to the conductor.

Dude: It’s working, now can we get a fucking move on?
Conductor: Everyone, it’s going to be a few more minutes while that guy thinks about what he’s said.

–Q train

Posted on February 12, 2006
Anger Management, On the Subway, Subway conductors

Wednesday One-liners Pay Roaming Fees

Girl: Jesus, bitch, why you gotta be with that Verizon? They got no text message plan, I ain’t paying no ten dollars a month for no texting, you gotta go with Cingular, bitch, then you don’t gotta pay nothing and you get, like, what the fuck, a much bigger phone selection too and none of that extra charges bullshit, and–god, bitch, why you gotta talk so loud? We all don’t need to hear all about your life, so you still live with your ex-boyfriend, you think I care? Just no need for you to talk so loud, god!–So anyway, and Vonage, that shit is stupid, too. The hell kind of name is that anyway? Vahn-ahge…

–F train

Overheard by: Dormant Gorilla