Assholes

Iraq Did the Same Thing, and Look at Them

Black woman: You’re my lawyer! Ain’t it your fucking job to take care of shit like this?! All you white people, controlling everything–you’re all incompetent! Fuckin’ white people!
White attorney: Sandra*, please calm down.
Black woman: Fuckin’ white people!
White attorney: Ma’am, speaking as a white person who happens to hold $379,000 of your money in escrow, may I suggest you stop cursing at us and calm down before I get up and take your checks with me?
Black woman: I will not calm down!!

White attorney gets up and leaves the room.

Woman’s husband: See what you did? You done upset the white man. I ain’t got no problem wit you cursin’ at crackahs, but why you gotta go and piss off the white man who got all our money?

–54th between 7th & 8th

Overheard by: Amused white intern

Always Playing the Processor Card

Guy: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to insult your computer. I didn’t know it was a cheap computer. I’m sorry.
Girl: You didn’t insult my computer. You insulted my socio-economic status.

–7th St between A & B

Portrait of the Social Worker as a Young Girl

Girl #1: Dammit, they’re putting one of the wheelchair people on the bus!
Girl #2: Fuck, man…You know, they should just put a handle on the back of the bus.
Girl #1: Yeah, that could be fun for them!

–M12 bus

Assumptions: They Make an Ass Out of U and Social Workers

Lady: Hey, how do I get to Court Street?
Hobo: Two blocks that way…See, we’re not all that bad. You got any change?
Lady: No, I know. Shut up. I’m a social worker.

–Brooklyn Heights

Even Worse, it Was on His Mom’s Side

College kid #1: God, that girl over there’s hot!
College kid #2: Dude, you need to stop being so obsessed with chicks with tattoos. I fucked a girl with a tattoo, and it was pretty unpleasant.
College kid #1: That’s because she was 48 years old and a grandmother…[To entire train] Did everyone hear that? A grandmother!

–L train

Overheard by: Zak Santucci

Yeah, You’ll Never Get Your Plastic Surgeon’s License

Asshole: I can’t believe I did that last night!
Asshole’s friend: What?
Asshole, pointing to unattractive girl walking by: That!

–Marymount College

Overheard by: KC

Pregnant Romanian Acrobat?

Doorman #1: What if she was a Chinese woman, would you help her?
Doorman #2: Oh, hell no.

–W 77th St

Overheard by: Cole Goadbog

Officer, I am Innocent. The Tire Iron Hit His Head!

Dude #1 opens a taxi door, hitting Dude #2’s car.

Dude #2: Yo, man, what the fuck? You hit my car!
Dude #1, walking away: The taxi hit your car.

–28th, between 10th & 11th

Overheard by: Milan P

He Rides the Subway For Research, Dumbass

DVD hawker: I got Superman, X-Men III, all high quality.
Guy: Those are illegal! You’re stealing from me. I’m a writer.
DVD hawker: What? Did you write any of these?
Guy: You’re selling illegal goods. I’m a writer. You’re stealing from me!
DVD hawker: If you wrote any of these movies, you wouldn’t be riding the subway.

–Uptown E train

They Make All the Kids Wear Those When They Visit Neverland Now

Woman: What’s this one called?
Man, leaning in to read the card: Please Don’t Touch.

–MoMA

Overheard by: Andrew Toutain

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