Assholes

Wednesday One-Liners Rent Bronx Butt-Sluts

Hipster: And I was like, ‘Okay, well, here’s some advice for you, then: Why don’t you peel a banana and shove it up your ass?’

–Bedford Ave

Sassy black girl: Man, I love anal sex! That shit puts me to sleep!

–Manhattan Mall

Overheard by: Auston McLain

Girl to guy: I am not shoving anything in your hole!

–LIRR

Overheard by: mish

Middle-aged man: Now I want you to take your dick out and fuck him in the ass.

–5th Ave & Union

Overheard by: Stephen

Woman on cell: You tell him he better pay for it. I better get his money. He needs a dick up the ass, that’s what he needs. A fucking dick up the ass. ‘Cause I got it. I got it all. So he better fucking pay for it.

–Restroom, JFK

Overheard by: colette

Angry man to friend: Well, fuck you up the ass! You just don’t understand religion!

–Empire State Building, 34th & 5th

Overheard by: Wendy Booz

How Wily Odysseus Escaped the Island of Calypso

Conductor on PA: Excuse me, ma’am, maybe it would work better if you went to the next door — it’s less crowded. [Lady walks to next door, but before she gets there the conductor closes them.] Haha, bitch! Toot, toot!

–Crowded 2 train

Overheard by: CeLia

It’s Funny ’til Somebody Pokes an Eardrum Out

Lady: Oh my god, I’ve heard this song before!
Patron: It’s all ABBA music, jackass.

—Mamma Mia, Winter Garden Theatre

Overheard by: Todd

Talk Is Cheap

Man to guy he bumped into: I hope you have to watch your children die!
Man’s wife: Shhh, honey, you can’t just say that!

–Times Square

I’m More of an ‘Assfuck ’em and Leave ’em Crying in a Puddle of their Own Urine’ Kind of Girl

Teenage girl #1: Then he was kissing my forehead a lot after we hooked up so I told everyone there he was gay.
Teenage girl #2: Yeah, that is really gay.

–Houston St station

So I Put the Old Guy Out of His Misery

Shop guy: Well, I can help you if you want.
Old guy with carton of figs: Don’t help me! Do it for me, dammit!

–75th & Broadway

Overheard by: punkee

Then Pay Me a Dollar Not to Clean It

Hobo: Hey, can I clean the snow off your car for a dollar?
Girl cleaning car: Ummm, no way.
Hobo: Even when it’s cold white people are assholes.
Girl cleaning car, to passerby: I don’t want his smelly ass touching my baby.

–115th St & Frederick Douglass Blvd

Overheard by: Paula

Because Mr. Cruise is Clearly Well Balanced

L. Ron Hubtard: Do you have stress?
Man: I live in New York, what the fuck do you think? “Do I have stress?” Fuck you.

–Times Square station

Overheard by: ichi gami

Gene Kelly and Debbie Reynolds Didn't Always Get Along During the Filming Of Singin' in the Rain

Disgruntled woman: You know, you could take someone's eye out if you're not careful with that umbrella.
Umbrella-wielding man, cheerily: That is perfectly okay!

–Grand Central Station

Overheard by: Lysa

They’ve Got Their ‘Good Barista / Bad Barista’ Act Down to a Science

Foreigner: Excusa me, sir, I get the milk, yes?
Barista #1 holding steamed milk: No. You ordered a Doppio. You don’t get no milk in a Doppio.
Foreigner, holding drink out to Barista #1: But the milk?
Barista #1, cradling milk: No! You don’t get no fuckin’ milk! Order a fuckin’ latte, and then I’ll give you some of this milk! You can pour yourself some of that stale shit from over there, but you don’t get none of this milk!

Barista #2 grabs cup and pours the customer some milk.

Barista #2 to Barista #1: Shit, this ain’t Valentine’s Day — don’t you get emotional. It’s some other holiday. Hell, it’s Christmas. [To customer] Here you go, sir! Merry Christmas!

–Starbucks, St. Marks & 3rd Ave

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