Assholes

What Do They Have, Clogs? Pippi Pigtails or Someshit?

Woman: Excuse me, I left my passport in the ladies’ room.
Stewardess guy: I’m sorry, madam, you’ll have to wait until we make our way down the aisle.
Woman: But I need to get my passport.
Stewardess guy: I understand that, but we cannot move this cart back far enough. We should be through in a few minutes.
Woman: But it’s in the bathroom! What if someone takes it?
Stewardess guy: If it’s not in the bathroom when you get there, let one of us know and we’ll make an announcement.
Woman: No, I can’t wait for that to happen, I have to go and get my passport now.
Stewardess guy: I understand, but as I’ve explained to you before, you must wait. Please return to your seat.
Woman: Oh, you’re very nice. You know, in the United States, people don’t behave like that.
Stewardess guy: In the Netherlands people don’t dress like that.

–KLM flight to JFK

John Bolton Seems to Have Lost His Bearings

Tourist guy: Yo, where’s the main road around here?
NY guy: Huh? Main road?
Tourist guy: Yeah, you know, the main drag. I don’t know where the fuck I am, so I figure I’ll find the main road and go from there.
NY guy: Well, where are you trying to go?
Tourist guy: Just the main fucking road, man. Where’s that?
NY guy: This is New York. They’re pretty much all main roads. I mean, look at the traffic.
Tourist guy: They can’t all be main roads.
NY guy: OK. What about Broadway?
Tourist guy: I was just on Broadway. There’s nothing there. Where’s Times Square?
NY guy: It’s right on Broadway.
Tourist guy: No, it’s not, dude! I was just there and there’s nothing there!
NY guy: OK, look. You wanna get to Times Square?
Tourist guy: At least that would be something.
NY guy: Fine. Turn around and walk back to Broadway–
Tourist guy: I don’t want to go on Broadway! What’s over there?
NY guy: The East River. The U.N.
Tourist guy: Fuck that.

–38th & 5th

Just Have Them Point the Correction Here, Jess

Dad on cell: So did they give me a credit?…What? It just says “from the New York Times” and not “from Jesse McKinley of the New York Times“?

–18th Street between 5th & 6th

She Should Have Dropped “Y’know What I’m Sayin’?”

Asian girl #1: Who’s that guy that’s not Steve Harvey?
Asian girl #2: Cedric the Entertainer.
Asian girl #1: Yeah, he might have been in The Cookout.
Asian girl #2: Oh my God, that’s so racist. “Who’s that guy that’s not Steve Harvey?”
Asian girl #1: Well, you knew who I was talking about!

–McDonald’s, 85th & 3rd

Overheard by: Aisha Moore

Scenes from the Free Concerts

Man: Of course you have to pick the row with the cripple. I can’t get up now because I’ll feel bad that she has to use her cane every time!
Woman: Frankly, I didn’t even notice.
Man: Yeah, till you kicked her cane!

–Prospect Park Bandshell

Girl: Excuse me!…Would you guys keep it down? I am trying to listen to the band!
Guy: Oh, I am sorry…Would you mind crossing your legs? I am trying to enjoy the outdoors.

–Prospect Park Bandshell

Is It Going to Work Out with Wednesday One-liners?

Woman on cell: Yeah, he told me the next day that he cried himself to sleep. I got so mad. I was like, “I don’t wanna hear that shit!”

–Target, Atlantic Avenue

Overheard by: alex

Chick: Is it really cheating if it only happened once?

–26th & Lexington

Guy on cell: Look, I’m driving so I can’t talk right now, ok? Good-bye…Fucking bitch, never leaves me alone.

–Burger King, Union Turnpike

Overheard by: Megan Cowles

Girl: So are we breakin’ up or what? It’s getting late!

–59th & Lexington

Overheard by: Mike

He is the Goddamn Stool Maker…Big Stool

Guy #1: Holy friggin’ crap dude, do you see the size of that guy over there?
Guy #2: Yeah. You see what he’s eating?
Guy #1: What is that, a salad?
Guy #2: Yeah.
Guy #1: Well hats off to him for at least trying to eat like a normal person.
Guy #2: Are you kidding? Hats off to the goddamn stoolmaker.

–Village Lantern, Bleecker Street

Overheard by: Douglas

Love Would Have Warranted a Trip to Guantanamo

Middle-aged woman: Whatever happened to that guy you were in love with?
Young woman: We weren’t in love, just seriously in like.
Middle-aged woman: So, what happened to him?
Young woman: I had him deported.

–64th & Broadway

That’s Just Sucking Up to the Barber

Guy: So after my reading, one of the actors was being all nice to me, and wanting to hang out, whatever. I thought he was just being friendly, but then I found out from my friend that in acting school they tell you to do that.
Girl: Do what?
Guy: You know, hook up with up and coming playwrights and directors, so you have contacts. Come to think of it, all my actor friends started being nicer to me after my reading. You guys should be sucking up, too.
Girl: I like your hair.

–105th & 5th

It’s Not Feigning If You Cop to It!

Guy #1: Whatever, you could feign interest in this conversation.
Guy #2: I am.

–Broadway & 44th

Overheard by: Matt Kuzelka

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