Black woman with baby carriage to people trying to push in: What’s the matter with you mothafuckahs? Are the goddamn stairs broken?
Old black man: You take the stairs, bitch! I’m a veteran! I fought for my goddamn country, and now you won’t make room for me in a goddamn elevator?! [Doors close, leaving old black man out.]Black woman with baby carriage: Fuck his old ass. Women and children first.
–Civil Court, 141 Livingston St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Big Larry
Puerto Rican girl #1: I really hate the way she eats.
Puerto Rican girl #2: Yeah, but she’s Jamaican. You know how they are.
–Bergen St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Dumbfounded
Headline by: Gutterlush
Runners-Up:
· “At Least She Isn’t Dominican.” – Jon
· “Even Their Chickens Are Jerks.” – Howard Bannister
· “Psychic?” – Beryl
· “Racism! It’s What’s For Dinner” – Goldielox
· “You’re Just Jealous You Can’t Use Your Dreads As a Fork” – Chels
Man to scantily clad girl passerby: Yo, can I get your number? Can I text message you? Can I e-mail you? Somethin’? [As she walks away] Can I be your socks?
–Times Square
Overheard by: Nicole
70-year-old man to 20-something jogger: Good morning. Would you like to wrestle in the grass over there?
–Riverside Park
Drunken Don Juan: Hey… Miss… Miss… Ah… Is your husband… Is your husband married?
–Prospect Pl & Classon, Brooklyn
Overheard by: sweet tea
Drunk guy to girl: You have nice toes. I want to put them in my mouth.
–St. Mark’s & 2nd Ave
Creepy guy to hot blonde, after trying to pick her up: I’m not trying to hit on you. I just want to be your friend on Facebook.
–78th & Columbus
Girl to friend passed out on stoop: Michelle! Michelle! I’ma take your picture for your MySpace page! Throw up again!
–University & E 9th St
Overheard by: Thompson
Chick: It’s not like I miss my parents or anything, but it’s just that the toilets here are so gross to throw up in.
–Columbia University
Overheard by: Mark Jochens
Vomiting thugette: I don’t even know what that is… Oh, God, that’s pizza!
–Brooklyn
Overheard by: traPt
Cute chick: I was way too drunk to do anything but have sex, throw up a pizza burger, and take a shower… in that order.
–The Black Sheep, 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Argopelter
Student to another: I dunno… All I heard is that he threw up all over his daughter’s teacher!
–Mercer University
Overheard by: J Dawg
Conductor: Hey, here’s a novel idea — if you have to vomit, vomit on yourself! Not on the ground, on yourself!
–LIRR
Overheard by: Dave
Black boy: Damn! Yo’ jeans are tight!
Hipster: Yeah.
Black boy: Can yo’ balls breathe?
Hipster: [Scoffs.]Black girl: Rodney, why you always gotta do that? Plus, you know your ass is dirty.
–Bergen & Smith St, Cobble Hill, Brooklyn
Man #1: It smells like feces in here.
Man #2: No, it doesn’t. It smells like a dead guy.
–Atlantic Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: rebecca
Young boy, pointing at stack of apple danishes: Mom! Mom! I wanna eat a danish!
Mom: Stanley, you can’t eat cheese, and you can’t eat apples. You know this.
Young boy, exasperated: I know! But I can eat danish!
–Washington Ave & Eastern Pkwy, Brooklyn
Overheard by: xander
Texting guy: Hey, I tried to type ‘nipple pasties,’ and the phone knew the word ‘pasties’!
Friend: … Why are you texting ‘nipple pasties’?
–Wyckoff & Stanhope, Brooklyn
Overheard by: smh
Eager Scientologist girl: Do you want to take a stress test?
Man carrying large package, with three kids in tow: I’ll never pass that test.
–Subway, Atlantic Ave
Overheard by: Simon Feil
Guy: Happy New Year’s, ladies!
Girl #1: Yeah, you too.
Guy: Your face is funny!
Girl #2: What? Fuck you!
Guy: I said, the face you made is funny!
Girl #2: Oh…
Guy: Butt-munch!
–Manhattan Ave, Greenpoint
