Wednesday One-Liners You Just Wanna Pat on the Head

Drunk girl: I think he uses his cancer to be cute.

–Bourgeois Pig, MacDougal St

Freak show barker: I hate cute ventriloquism.

–Outside Coney Island Freak Show

Overheard by: Miss Carrie

Girl, about three-year-old nearby: He’s so cute, I want to kidnap him!

–PATH train

Woman: … And then he pulled out a gun and threatened to kill me. It was so cute.

–Ruby Foo’s, 49th & 8th

Overheard by: Heather

Man to toddler girl: That’s what politicians do. They try to look cute.

–Smith & Union, Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn

Posted on March 12, 2008
Artists, Brooklyn, Cancer, Coney Island, Crime and Punishment, Default, Drunks, Girls, Gripes, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Politics, Restaurants & Cafes, Shoot, Threats, Trains Not Subway, Violence, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Were “Working Late”

Drunk woman: I won’t sleep with people when I’m drunk. I’m not like that. I get drunk and I punch people in the face… I’m totally against infidelity. I can’t deal with that. I mean, I’ve been caught cheating lots of times, and it totally sucks.

–44th & 8th

Overheard by: Caitlin

Guy: So, he’s pissed off because he’s dating this fucking hot stripper — she’s, like, West of freaky — and he can’t tell anybody because they’re all friends with his fiancé and would tell her.

–Brooklyn-bound D train, Atlantic Ave stop

Overheard by: just visiting

Girl on cell: Sorry, I’m on my way to the airport. It was either go to Michigan or cheat on my boyfriend… No, I’m going to Michigan.

–125th & Broadway

Overheard by: Cat Darcy

German girl, after breaking kiss with another chick: Don’t worry about my husband too much…

–Frost St, Greenpoint

Overheard by: jayloo

Black man on cell: … So I put my hand between her legs… Nah, she wasn’t wearing any panties… She’s mad cool, but she’s married…

–Q46 bus

Overheard by: Izabela

Ghetto mama: … And I said to her, ‘No, I did not fuck yo’ husband. But I did let him eat my pussy!’

–Nostrand Ave

Overheard by: Kris S.

Posted on March 12, 2008
Advice, Black People, Brooklyn, Dating, Default, Drunks, Eating Out, Foreigners, Ghetto Chicks, Girls, Gripes, Guys, Infidelity, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Bus, On the Subway, Punch, Strippers, U.S. Geography, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

When Value Systems Collide

Frat guy, to bodega employee: Do you guys have Vitamin Water?
Hobo: I got your Vitamin Water right here. It’s called B-E-E-R!

–DeKalb Ave, Brooklyn

Posted on March 10, 2008
Brooklyn, Comebacks, Default, Drinking & Drunk People, Frat Boys, Hobos, Questions

Scenes from KKK Film School

Mom: Get off that damn railing before you fall and your head busts open like a watermelon!
Kid #1: Watermelon? You’re gonna be a watermelon!
Kid #2: I love watermelon!

–Clinton Hill, Brooklyn

Overheard by: blackbuttoneyes

Posted on March 8, 2008
Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Death, Default, Kids, Moms, Threats

Coffee for People Who’ve Given Up Achievement

Woman: Oh, you got an iced coffee? Where do they sell those around here?
Man: This is actually Hennessey.

–Church Ave

Overheard by: Rez

Posted on March 7, 2008
Brooklyn, Default, Drinking & Drunk People, Guys, Questions, Women

“Proxy”? You, Sir, Are No Brother.

Black guy #1, to white posse passersby: I hate white people!
Black guy #2: Yo, you can’t say that — this is Park Slope!
Black guy #1: Fuck that — I am white.
Black guy #2: What, you mean by proxy or something?

–Union St & 4th Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: One of the whiteys

Posted on March 3, 2008
Black People, Brooklyn, Default, Gripes, Guys, Race, Stupidity

… Not to Mention Non-Jews

Hipster #1: So, everybody is moving to Park Slope.
Hipster #2: Who’s everybody?
Hipster #1: I don’t know… Jews…

–Williamsburg, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Emily

Posted on February 29, 2008
Brooklyn, Hipsters, NYC Geography

But Isn’t That Malt Liquor in Your Carriage?

Black woman with baby carriage to people trying to push in: What’s the matter with you mothafuckahs? Are the goddamn stairs broken?
Old black man: You take the stairs, bitch! I’m a veteran! I fought for my goddamn country, and now you won’t make room for me in a goddamn elevator?! [Doors close, leaving old black man out.]Black woman with baby carriage: Fuck his old ass. Women and children first.

–Civil Court, 141 Livingston St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Big Larry

Posted on February 28, 2008
Age/Aging, Black People, Brooklyn, Comebacks, Default, Gripes, Health and Hygiene, Men, Old People, War, Women

They Jerk Their Meat

Puerto Rican girl #1: I really hate the way she eats.
Puerto Rican girl #2: Yeah, but she’s Jamaican. You know how they are.

–Bergen St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Dumbfounded

Headline by: Gutterlush

Runners-Up:
· “At Least She Isn’t Dominican.” – Jon
· “Even Their Chickens Are Jerks.” – Howard Bannister
· “Psychic?” – Beryl
· “Racism! It’s What’s For Dinner” – Goldielox
· “You’re Just Jealous You Can’t Use Your Dreads As a Fork” – Chels

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Posted on February 28, 2008
Brooklyn, Food, Girls, Gripes, Headline Contest Winners, Puerto Ricans

Is It Hot in Here, or Is It You, Wednesday One-Liners?

Man to scantily clad girl passerby: Yo, can I get your number? Can I text message you? Can I e-mail you? Somethin’? [As she walks away] Can I be your socks?

–Times Square

Overheard by: Nicole

70-year-old man to 20-something jogger: Good morning. Would you like to wrestle in the grass over there?

–Riverside Park

Drunken Don Juan: Hey… Miss… Miss… Ah… Is your husband… Is your husband married?

–Prospect Pl & Classon, Brooklyn

Overheard by: sweet tea

Drunk guy to girl: You have nice toes. I want to put them in my mouth.

–St. Mark’s & 2nd Ave

Creepy guy to hot blonde, after trying to pick her up: I’m not trying to hit on you. I just want to be your friend on Facebook.

–78th & Columbus