Wednesday Just Can’t Commit to a One-Liner

Mid-20s girl: I never date a guy who gets more than three questions wrong on the SATs. I don’t plan it, it just works out that way.

–23rd & 8th

Overheard by: Limey

Hipster on cell: I went through this time when I was like, ‘I could have 800 girlfriends at the same time and just not tell them about each other.’ That was much easier…

–Bedford Ave, Williamsburg

Guy pointing to nothing in particular on the sidewalk: Uh, dude, you dropped your girlfriend.

–Times Square

Overheard by: christine

Muslim woman in full abaya, dragging husband along: Right now I need to focus on my needs. Do you hear me? This is about my needs!

–Atlantic Ave, in front of Brooklyn Heights YMCA

Man to woman on the sidewalk: Well, we had our one, but it wasn’t so much a fight as it was a mini-series.

–12th, between 6th & 5th

Overheard by: Karen

Girl: My asshole boyfriend! I was just staying with him until Valentine’s Day so that I could get a present, and tomorrow he’s history! But then I didn’t even get that!

–NYU Silver Center

Posted on March 26, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Breaking Up, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Clothing, Dating, Default, Education, Gifts, Girls, Guys, Hipsters, Holidays, Islam, Lies, Men, NYU, Promiscuity, Relationships, Street, The Village, Times Square, Tourist Attractions, Washington Square Park, Williamsburg, Women

The Wednesday One-Liner Says, “Move on Back”

Bus driver to lady at stop: There are three more buses behind me! They like to stick together! They don’t like to be alone!

–B41 bus

Bus drive: Next stop, Queensborough Community College — where dreams come true. If you ever thought of going back to college, but are too scared, thinking, ‘Oh, I’m too old,’ well, you should go to school. Now arriving at QCC… And remember, knowledge is power.

–Q27 Bayside bus

Overheard by: Caro-kun

Bus driver, about traffic jam: Ladies and gentlemen, Fifth Avenue will be the next stop. We will be arriving in seven to ten days. [Minutes later] Attention! The waiter will be around shortly to take your dinner orders. The next crosstown movie will be Gone with the Wind.

–M79 bus

Bus driver: Does anyone know the route once we get to the airport? If you do, please step forward.

–M60 bus to LaGuardia

Overheard by: Stephen B.

Bus driver to woman running towards the stop as the bus slows down: Calm down, lady! There isn’t any crack that way! Relax!

–Atlantic Ave

Bus driver, as passengers are disembarking: Leave my kingdom. Education is just two minutes away.

–B1 bus, Kingsborough College

Overheard by: Robert

Posted on March 26, 2008
Advice, Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Bus Drivers, Default, Education, Laughter, Nice People, NYC Geography, Offers and requests, On the Bus, Only in New York, Public Transportation, Questions, Time

Three-Piece Wednesday One-Liners

Suit on cell: Yeah, man, I’m so jealous. I mean, my holes have been full for years!

–Times Square

Overheard by: biting my tongue

Suit: I just met you. I can call you an asshole.

–Livingston St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Sean McGurr

Suit: Are you listening to me?! The Projects are not natural!

–125th St

Overheard by: Kerry & Bob

Suit: … So then I grabbed the vise-grips and got him by the lips…

–59th & Lex

Overheard by: I really hope he was talking about a fish

Suit on cell: … So he was going to build this underground tunnel to the road from his house. Like, an escape tunnel thing. No, he sold the street-legal side and handles the government contracting. Well, he couldn’t get the zoning for a tunnel, so he’s building a retractable bridge.

–55th & Park

Suit: I hate getting buzzed in the afternoon. It makes me feel like a craven bastard.

–Liberty & Broadway

Overheard by: Mondo Man

Posted on March 26, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Battery Park, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Default, Drinking & Drunk People, Etiquette, Government, Home, Sweet Home, Insults, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, Paranoia, Questions, Street, Suits, Time, Times Square, Tourist Attractions, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Violence, Weirdness

A Neighborhood Where Santa Breaks in through a Window

DVD salesman: I couldn’t give you a better deal if I slid down the chimney.
Little girl, whispering glumly: But we don’t have a chimney.

–A train, Brooklyn

Overheard by: VassarBoy

Posted on March 25, 2008
Brooklyn, Business and Commerce, Default, Girls, Holidays, Home, Sweet Home, Kids, Money & Class, On the Subway, Vendors & Street Performers

They’re Going though Intern Training at Ogle, Badtouch and Stalk

Boy #1: Hey, that’s sexual harassment!
Boy #2: Yeah, and you’d know all about it.

–E 15th & Ave J

Overheard by: incrediblediblegg

Posted on March 23, 2008
Boys, Brooklyn, Comebacks, Default, Friends, Harassment, Sexuality, Street, Threats, Weirdness

His Mistake Was Getting Married on the Day the Witness Protection Program People Re-up.

Harried groom, shouting: Is there anyone here who has a valid ID who can be a witness for my wedding ceremony?!
Guy on line: Sure, I’ll do it. [Turns to woman at the window.] Wait, can I be a witness for this guy and still be a witness for them back there?
Woman at window: Um, no.
Harried groom: Is there anyone here who has a valid ID who isn’t already a witness who can be a witness for my wedding ceremony?!

–Marriage license office, County Clerk, Brooklyn

Overheard by: fiancee of the guy who ended up witnessing

Posted on March 23, 2008
Brooklyn, Clerks, Default, Girls, Guys, Marriage, Offers and requests, Questions, Women

And It’s Acid Rain, So You Save Money on Drugs

Elderly shopkeeper in the pouring rain: Hey! Hey, amigo! When you go home, don’t take shower. You save money on bills.

–Morgan & Flushing, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Erin Partridge

Posted on March 22, 2008
Advice, Brooklyn, Default, Health and Hygiene, Money & Class, Old People, Street

There’s a Lot of Competition to Be Liza’s New Understudy

Man: How’s this?
Woman: Like that, but way more sequins. It’s got to catch the eye!

–Kohl’s, Bay Parkway, Brooklyn

Posted on March 22, 2008
Advice, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Default, Men, Questions, Store, Women

Uncle Tom’s Wednesday One-Liners

Short, fat sista: If she was only around my age, then I wouldn’t mind a slave for life.

–27th & 7th

Overheard by: tuna on rye

White guy in scrubs: Wow. Now I know what it felt like to be in the bottom of a slave ship.

–Crowded Franklin Ave 2/3/4/5 platform, Brooklyn

Overheard by: pmd

Punk girl to friend: I’m going to make him my Ukrainian sex slave!

–N 4th St & Driggs Ave

Overheard by: Hipsterrrrrs

Dude: Yeah, well, let me say this in English — she got arrested for selling people…

–Madison Square Garden

Black girl watching Asian girl mop floor: Slavery is back!

–NYFA, Union Square

Overheard by: kswin

Posted on March 19, 2008
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compare/Contrast, Crime and Punishment, Default, Doctors, Fat People, Foreigners, Girls, Global Geography, Guys, History & Geography, Madison Square Garden, Penn Station, Punks, S&M, The Bronx, Union Square and East Village, White People, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Will Sleep with You If You Hold Still

Hot lesbo to another: You already have two girlfriends — you don’t need another boyfriend!

–92nd & 2nd

Hipster guy: Well, it’s not like I’m into men, but there aren’t really any girls around right now… It’s convenient! At least I’m getting laid!

–In front of Metropolitan Bar, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Rowan

Mini thug with girlfriend. You know, baby, I just get homo sometimes.

–115th & Lenox

Wannabe lesbo: … And I was like, ‘What, just ’cause I like to sleep with men, that makes you more gay than me?!’ And she was like, ‘Uh, yeah.’

–Bedford Ave & Lincoln Pl, Brooklyn

Overheard by: equally gay

Fag hag to queer friend: She is so ruining my heterosexual life!

–42nd & 7th

Overheard by: j

Hipster dude to pals: I gotta go! I just found out this guy is bi!

–Parsons the New School for Design

Chick to another: She was a little bit bisexual in Hong Kong. But, then, who wasn’t?

–1 train

Posted on March 19, 2008
Advice, Bars & Clubs, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Default, Fag Hags, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Gripes, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Hipsters, Lesbians, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On the Subway, Promiscuity, Queer guys, Questions, Relationships, School, Sex, Sexuality, Street, The Village, Thugs, Tourism, Upper East Side, Williamsburg