Wednesday One-Liners Go to the Liberry

Teen boy: Yeah, I read the audio book.

–Barnes & Noble

Overheard by: Sarah

Chick: My life has really changed since moving to New York. Like, in L.A. I use to read Us Weekly, and now I read The New Yorker.

–Lower East Side

Overheard by: Aileen

UWS mom to hippie college son: Darling, I’ve decided we must get this book because it feels really quite wonderful. [Customers gawk.] I know it sounds weird, but the way a book feels means a lot, and this one feels good. Oh, and I like the cover.

–The Strand

Overheard by: losaida lois

Literary agent: God, I’m so sick of domestic violence memoirs. I just want to go beat the crap out of them.

–W 35th St

Lit professor: Reading Ulysses for the first time, like other life experiences we have for the first time, is not quite as pleasurable as we might have hoped it would be. However, unlike other life experiences we have for the first time, reading Ulysses lasts much, much longer.

–Eugene Lang College

Overheard by: amelia

Posted on February 27, 2008
Advice, Books & Writing, Boys, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, College, Default, Girls, Gripes, Intelligentsia, Lower East Side, Moms, News, Store, Stupidity, Teachers/Professors, Teens, The Village, U.S. Geography, Weirdness, Words

Chinese Fighting Shoe

Woman #1: … And she got in a fight with him, and she took her shoe off with the spike heel.
Woman #2: Yeah.
Woman #1: And she throws it at him, and it hits him in the head and he dies!
Woman #2: Oh my god, that’s terrible!!

–Kingsborough Community College

Posted on February 22, 2008
College, Friends, Violence

Heave-Ho, Wednesday One-Liners!

Girl to friend passed out on stoop: Michelle! Michelle! I’ma take your picture for your MySpace page! Throw up again!

–University & E 9th St

Overheard by: Thompson

Chick: It’s not like I miss my parents or anything, but it’s just that the toilets here are so gross to throw up in.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Mark Jochens

Vomiting thugette: I don’t even know what that is… Oh, God, that’s pizza!

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: traPt

Cute chick: I was way too drunk to do anything but have sex, throw up a pizza burger, and take a shower… in that order.

–The Black Sheep, 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Argopelter

Student to another: I dunno… All I heard is that he threw up all over his daughter’s teacher!

–Mercer University

Overheard by: J Dawg

Conductor: Hey, here’s a novel idea — if you have to vomit, vomit on yourself! Not on the ground, on yourself!

–LIRR

Overheard by: Dave

Posted on February 20, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bars & Clubs, Brooklyn, Cleanliness, College, Columbia (& Barnard), Conductors, Girls, Gossip, Gripes, Idiots, Junk Food & Fast Food, Myspace, Nostalgia, Sex, Students, Stupidity, Thugs, Trains Not Subway, Union Square and East Village, Vomit

Grandma, What Big Wednesday One-Liners You Have!

Girl on cell: Stop talking about my grandmother’s ba-donka-donk!

–6th & 2nd

Girl on cell: So, she walked in on me getting out of the shower again this morning… Yeah, I guess I could put a lock on the door, but I’m really starting to think that my grandma just likes seeing me naked in the morning.

–School of Visual Arts

Overheard by: dobby

Chick on cell: What should I get for Grandma? No, I’m not at a mall, I’m on the street… No, I don’t see anything she’d like, unless… Do you think Grandma wants a bong?

–St. Mark’s Pl

Overheard by: Heather

Dude to hot chick: I’d rather have sex with you than my grandma.

–1 train

Overheard by: bldlube

Guy on cell: So then he’s like, ‘Dude, are you in prison again?’ And I was like, ‘No, dude, I’m talking to you online. How could I be in prison?’ And he was like, ‘There was a computer when I was in prison. I mean, you had to suck dick to get online, but whatever.’ And I was like, ‘Dude, I’m at my grandma’s house. We’re having tea and shit.’

–E 14th St & Irving

Posted on February 20, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, BJs, College, Drugs, Family Ties, Girls, Gripes, Guys, Incest, Internet, Nudity, On Cell, On the Subway, Prison, The Village, Union Square and East Village, Words

Tell Us All about It, Dear

Professor: So, what did you all think of the Bodies Exhibit? Is there any part of the human anatomy you think you’d change if you had the chance?
Hipster guy: I’d get rid of nipples on guys. They’re kind of pointless.
Professor: That’s true. Although some men have very sensitive bosoms and enjoy being touched there. Have any of you ever been with a man who had a sensitive bosom? [One student awkwardly raises her hand.]

–Pratt Institute

Overheard by: traPt

Posted on January 28, 2008
College, Foreplay, Hipsters, Nipples, Questions, Students, Teachers/Professors, Weirdness

Because That’s the Only Way I Can Bring Her Off

Black girl, in smelly stairwell: Nigga, it smells like yo’ mama’s coochie up in this bitch!
Black guy: What the fuck you snortin’ in my mom’s cooch for?!

–Kingsborough Community College

Posted on January 17, 2008
Black People, College, Scents of the City, Vagina

Closed Communities Like Columbia Are Never Breeding Grounds for Viruses

Columbia guy #1: Isn’t that kind of stupid that you didn’t wear a condom, as far as STDs go, though?
Columbia guy #2: No, nobody actually has STDs.
Columbia guy #1: Are you serious?
Columbia guy #2: Listen, STDs are something you learn about in health class but don’t actually exist in the real world. I mean, even if they did, nobody here would have them.

–Ruggles Dorm, 114th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Adam

Posted on January 8, 2008
College, Idiots, STDs

College – High School = One Minute

Guy #1: Hey, where you going?
Guy #2: It’s about 3:15 — I gotta go to class.
Guy #1: This is college, not high school. You don’t have to be on time to class.
Guy #3: So, what are we gonna do?
Guy #1: It’s 3:16! I’m late for class!

–CUNY City Tech

Overheard by: Benny

Posted on December 30, 2007
College, Students, Time

A Gal’s Gotta Know Her Weaknesses

Girl #1: It’s good I don’t go to a school with fraternities. I’d, like–
Girl #2: –Get drunk and raped?
Girl #1: Exactly!

–Sarah Lawrence College

Overheard by: trying to eat dinner in peace

Posted on December 16, 2007
College, Girls, Stupidity