College

Heave-Ho, Wednesday One-Liners!

Girl to friend passed out on stoop: Michelle! Michelle! I’ma take your picture for your MySpace page! Throw up again!

–University & E 9th St

Overheard by: Thompson

Chick: It’s not like I miss my parents or anything, but it’s just that the toilets here are so gross to throw up in.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Mark Jochens

Vomiting thugette: I don’t even know what that is… Oh, God, that’s pizza!

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: traPt

Cute chick: I was way too drunk to do anything but have sex, throw up a pizza burger, and take a shower… in that order.

–The Black Sheep, 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Argopelter

Student to another: I dunno… All I heard is that he threw up all over his daughter’s teacher!

–Mercer University

Overheard by: J Dawg

Conductor: Hey, here’s a novel idea — if you have to vomit, vomit on yourself! Not on the ground, on yourself!

–LIRR

Overheard by: Dave

Grandma, What Big Wednesday One-Liners You Have!

Girl on cell: Stop talking about my grandmother’s ba-donka-donk!

–6th & 2nd

Girl on cell: So, she walked in on me getting out of the shower again this morning… Yeah, I guess I could put a lock on the door, but I’m really starting to think that my grandma just likes seeing me naked in the morning.

–School of Visual Arts

Overheard by: dobby

Chick on cell: What should I get for Grandma? No, I’m not at a mall, I’m on the street… No, I don’t see anything she’d like, unless… Do you think Grandma wants a bong?

–St. Mark’s Pl

Overheard by: Heather

Dude to hot chick: I’d rather have sex with you than my grandma.

–1 train

Overheard by: bldlube

Guy on cell: So then he’s like, ‘Dude, are you in prison again?’ And I was like, ‘No, dude, I’m talking to you online. How could I be in prison?’ And he was like, ‘There was a computer when I was in prison. I mean, you had to suck dick to get online, but whatever.’ And I was like, ‘Dude, I’m at my grandma’s house. We’re having tea and shit.’

–E 14th St & Irving

Tell Us All about It, Dear

Professor: So, what did you all think of the Bodies Exhibit? Is there any part of the human anatomy you think you’d change if you had the chance?
Hipster guy: I’d get rid of nipples on guys. They’re kind of pointless.
Professor: That’s true. Although some men have very sensitive bosoms and enjoy being touched there. Have any of you ever been with a man who had a sensitive bosom? [One student awkwardly raises her hand.]

–Pratt Institute

Overheard by: traPt

Because That’s the Only Way I Can Bring Her Off

Black girl, in smelly stairwell: Nigga, it smells like yo’ mama’s coochie up in this bitch!
Black guy: What the fuck you snortin’ in my mom’s cooch for?!

–Kingsborough Community College

Closed Communities Like Columbia Are Never Breeding Grounds for Viruses

Columbia guy #1: Isn’t that kind of stupid that you didn’t wear a condom, as far as STDs go, though?
Columbia guy #2: No, nobody actually has STDs.
Columbia guy #1: Are you serious?
Columbia guy #2: Listen, STDs are something you learn about in health class but don’t actually exist in the real world. I mean, even if they did, nobody here would have them.

–Ruggles Dorm, 114th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Adam

College – High School = One Minute

Guy #1: Hey, where you going?
Guy #2: It’s about 3:15 — I gotta go to class.
Guy #1: This is college, not high school. You don’t have to be on time to class.
Guy #3: So, what are we gonna do?
Guy #1: It’s 3:16! I’m late for class!

–CUNY City Tech

Overheard by: Benny

A Gal’s Gotta Know Her Weaknesses

Girl #1: It’s good I don’t go to a school with fraternities. I’d, like–
Girl #2: –Get drunk and raped?
Girl #1: Exactly!

–Sarah Lawrence College

Overheard by: trying to eat dinner in peace

Or in My Girlfriend’s Hoo-Hoo

Jock #1: Man I would be pissed, too, if there was poo-poo in my shoe-shoe.
Jock #2: Yeah, dude. Totally.

–Manhattan College, Bronx

If You’re Gonna Be My Hag, You Have to Entertain Me

Queer: Where’d you lose your voice?
Girl: Oh, no — I’m sick.
Queer: Oh, you weren’t screaming?
Girl: No, I’m just sick.
Queer: Oh, I wish you had, like, a party or something.

–Baruch College, Newman Vertical campus

Give It Up, Y’all, for J-Naz and the A-posse of Twelve

Puerto Rican girl: You know what my mother always says? ‘Jesus danced, Jesus drank, or else why would we make a wine out of him?’
Haitian guy: Amen! Hallelujah!
Black girl: Jesus wanted us to get down with it.

–Brooklyn College

Headline by: jason daniel

Runners-Up:
· “Resurrection Red, Walks on Water White, or Virgin Birth Blush?” – Fred
· “Shake This, For This Is My Booty” – Meredith
· “Suffer the Blunts and 40s to Come Unto Me” – likeitornot
· “What CAN’T That Nigga Do?” – Joeritos
· “Word. (of the Lord)” – Janet E

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

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