Passion of the Wednesday One-Liners

Man: ‘Cause I’m like, ‘Seven a.m. is too fuckin’ early for Jesus — too fuckin’ early.’

–Union Square station

Overheard by: DM Cook

Caribbean woman pacing back and forth on crowded subway: Excuse me, Ladies and Gentlemen, Jesus is coming! Jesus is on the number two train tonight! Repent! Repent! Jesus is coming and he’s on the number two train tonight. Repent for your sins! Jesus died for you — for men, women, lesbians, gays…

–Uptown 2 train from 72nd St

Overheard by: pimnana

Drunk student: So, she said that Jesus loves you and died for your sins and made the Statue of Liberty disappear, or something.

–Uptown 2 train from 66th St

Overheard by: Avatarded

Homeless man on subway speaker: I am the lord, Jesus Christ. He is everywhere, including on this train… Give Jesus money and food or else hell will come down. [As police approach] Fuck off the lord, nigga.

–1 train, 168th St

Girl to friend: You know what? You need Jesus. You need Jesus!

–John Jay College

Overheard by: Scott

Woman successfully holding many paper towel rolls in hands and an open umbrella between her chin and shoulder: I am Jesus now.

–109 & Broadway

Overheard by: trying to stay dry

Posted on December 13, 2006
All Wednesday One-Liners, Crazies, Drunks, Homeless, Jesus, On the Subway, School, Statue of Liberty, Subway Stations, Time, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

Bathtub Wednesday One-Liners

Girl on cell: Did I get tanked yesterday? Of course I got tanked yesterday! Yesterday was my getting-tanked day!

–79th, between 2nd & 3rd

Overheard by: Helena the Great

Little boy buying a soda: Can I drink mine inside a paper bag like Daddy does?

–Church & Chambers

Drunk: I’ll be so hungover for my AA meeting tomorrow!

–Time Square

Customer: Yeah, I haven’t seen a lot of alcoholics around lately. I wonder why?

–Joe Jr’s, 6th Ave & 12th St

Overheard by: Joe (but not Jr.)

Hobo: Anyone have a nickel or dime that I could put toward the purchase of alcohol?

–St. Marks & Ave A

Overheard by: rennysgirl

Posted on December 13, 2006
All Wednesday One-Liners, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks

Tales from Wednesday One-Liners’ Crypt

Man on cell: What are you, some sort of reverse vampire?

–C train

Dude: And there were unicorns exploding in the background… or at least doing whatever it is unicorns do.

–Live Bait, 23rd St

Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson

Chick: You kind of look like a vampire in this picture. But a cool vampire! Like, if you were in The Lost Boys, Kiefer Sutherland would totally want to have sex with you.

–55th & 6th

Overheard by: wants to have sex with Kiefer Sutherland

Drunk hobo chuckling: You people look depressed! I know how to cheer you up. I’ll sing my favorite song! ‘Ding, dong, the witch is dead, the witch is dead…’ [Looks around] Hmmm… [Notices the train going express] What the…? I need a new mathematician! I need a new mathematician!

–6 train making express stops on a surprise basis

Overheard by: Barry Negrin

Sax-wielding hobo: I am an alien! From outer space! Not from Mexico!

–L train

Overheard by: Alex P. Keaton

Ricky’s employee: Looks like I’m all out in the fairy department.

–58th & Broadway

Mom: Johnny, put down the sword. Vampires don’t use weapons. Their teeth are their weapons.

–Halloween shop, 8th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Adam Nathan

Posted on December 6, 2006
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Cashiers, Drunks, Global Geography, Hobos, Holidays, Innuendo, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Movies, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, On the Subway, Restaurants & Cafes, Sex, Singing, Store, The Village, Vampires, Ghouls, and Ghosts, oh my!

She Could Turn Back to a Scullery-Maid at Any Moment

Black guy #1: It ain’t Halloween until you hit the ground.
Black guy #2 to friend trying to help a drunken princess: Don’t touch the white girl!

–7th & Greenwich

Posted on November 30, 2006
Black People, Drunks, Girls, Vampires, Ghouls, and Ghosts, oh my!

Here’s an Alka-Seltzer and a Dildo

Hot male nurse: Is there anything else that’s bothering you?
Drunk girl: Yeah, I want to puke, and I need to get laid.

–Saint Luke’s Hospital

Overheard by: evie

Posted on November 30, 2006
Dildos and Vibrators, Drunks, Hospitals, Medical Workers

And I’m a Mets Fan

MTA personnel: I’m sorry, sir, the first three cars are for passengers with special needs.
Drunken Mets fan: My ass hurts.

–7 train platform, Willets Point, Shea Stadium

Overheard by: UptownGirl

Posted on November 25, 2006
Drunks, Mets, On the Subway, Subway conductors

It May Have Taken Your Coat

Drunk lady: Have you seen my coat?
Girl wearing fake moustache: You didn’t bring a coat.
Drunk lady: Yes, yes I did, I had a coat. I put it right over…
Girl wearing fake moustache: No, I’m sorry, ma’am, you didn’t bring a coat.
Drunk lady: I know I brought a coat — I can’t find my coat!
Girl wearing fake moustache [hula-hooping her hips and pointing to her crotch]: Sometimes my vagina goes like this.

–Red Rock West

Overheard by: rachel

Posted on November 20, 2006
Bars & Clubs, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Vagina

Do Squatters Have No Rights?

Drunk girl: Is that a bathroom I see?
Conductor: It’s out of order.
Drunk girl: Ok, I’m going in there.
Conductor: It’s out of order!
Drunk girl’s friend: I don’t think we can use that one, let’s go find a place to squat.

–LIRR

Overheard by: hbs