Tuxedo: Oh, you should have called us! We could have gotten you into Spago. We go there all the time! The guy there is, like, our best friend! Honey, what’s the name of that guy at Spago?
Trophy wife: We’ve never been to Spago. You went there with Jennifer.
–Greenwich & N Moore
Overheard by: annulla
Dude: Great! Now let’s go break your face!
Chick: Tom, I need a more positive kind of support right now…
–MacDougal & Washington Pl
Chick: Oh my god, Ali. You totally motorboated me at the bar last night!
Ali: And then you showed your tits to everyone, you whore.
Chick: Yeah, but I got a free shot.
Ali: And I do enjoy seeing your tits…
Ali’s boyfriend: Is it weird that you like her tits more than me?
–Metro North out of Fordham
Girl: If I were stranded somewhere with a dead hooker in my trunk, you’re still the person I’d call.
Guy: To this day, that’s the best compliment I’ve ever received.
–1020 Bar, 110th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Ladle
Chick: She has low self-esteem.
Dude: She should. She’s mad ugly.
Chick: I’ve known people who are ugly but really beautiful.
Dude: No.
Chick: No, really! I’ve seen ugly men with beautiful women and ugly women with handsome men.
Dude: I’m dumb-shallow. If you don’t look good, you can’t be my friend.
Chick: But you’re judging people. Like God.
Dude: Fuck that. I pay my own rent. I don’t need anybody. I’m straight, but all my guy friends look good. If you’re ugly, you can’t be my friend. I’m dumb-shallow. [A few minutes later] Yo, if someone says I don’t look good, somethin’s wrong with them or their eyes, ’cause I look good.
–4 train, rush hour
Overheard by: Veej
Female conductor over speaker: Oh, I know you did not! If you wanna wait for your friends, you wait on the platform — do not hold my motherfucking doors!
–Manhattan-bound 1 train, 225th St
Young suit to another: I’m introducing you as a good friend of mine from the Bank of America, just so you know.
–Houston & Varick
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
Middle-aged B&T lady: She told me she had no trouble with her friend dying in her apartment.
–375 Hudson St
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
White chick: When I was younger I used to fart really loud every time I laughed. I think that’s why I didn’t have any friends.
–Bed-Stuy
Overheard by: MaryAnnaise
Five-year-old boy throwing wad of trash at younger brother: Say hello to my little friend!
–15th & 7th, Brooklyn
Overheard by: nyamelia
Tired man on cell: You harassed me, you harassed my friends, and you cut up all my furniture… I don’t know what else there is to talk about.
–Steinway & Broadway, Astoria
Overheard by: Czarina
Tween: Yeah, and then I made my friend scratch my back with his claws… And then I got ringworm.
–Q train, 8th & Broadway
Overheard by: worldfamouscats.com
Dude #1 introducing dude #2 to chick: … Well, she didn’t know, because I’m her only friend.
Chick: Oh my god, can you stop telling people that? [To dude #2] It’s true, though.
–Columbia campus
Girl: This friend of mine, her cat killed an endangered bird… in Germany. They had to bury it, like, three feet underground.
–Queens-bound E train
Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie
Dude on cell: I saw Tim Burton on an interview the other day, and I said to my cat, ‘Snicket, behold a man who has never yet combed his hair!’
–AMDA entrance
Overheard by: McKinley’s Friend
Girl: And her cat and my cat are, like, really close…
–BX26 bus
Guy: I mean, I don’t even eat cat…
–14th St & 5th Ave
Guy to friend: No, cocaine. Cats really like cocaine!
–Whole Foods, Union Square
Overheard by: Kerri
Hipster guy: Yeah, my dad’s a bird-petter.
Hipster girl: How much does he make for that?
Hipster guy: About three friends a year.
–R/W platform, 8th St
Overheard by: the imbiber
Guy #1: We could go by Mike’s
Guy #2: Which Mike? Fun Mike or Shitty Mike?
Guy #1: I always forget which one is which with you.
Guy #1: Fun Mike always pays for everything… Shitty Mike always has no money and throws up.
Guy #2: You’d think I could keep that straight.
–Bloomingdale’s, 60th & 3rd Ave
