Friendship

Won’t Somebody Please Think of the Wednesday One-Liners?

Little boy: But I was really excited for her to get a hernia!

–35th & 6th

Overheard by: alix

Eleven-year-old boy, to classmate that he just hit with a ball representing "responsibility": Oooooooo!!! You just got pounded in the face with responsibility!!!

–Bushwick, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Their Proud Counselor

Ten-year-old girl, about figures: Why do they all have to be boys?

–Bodies: The Exhibition, South Street Seaport

Overheard by: Robert

Young child crossing the street while holding his mothers hand: [Singing] Please… Don’t… Enter me.

–70th St & Columbus

Little boy: It’s not illegal to jiggle.

–6th & 17th

Preschooler to daddy: Can I get that three hundred dollars now?

–UES

Wednesday One-Liners Spin Fat into Muscle

African man, yelling into cell: I am not riding a bike! I’m not a machine! I’m not a machine! I’m not a wheel!

–W 23rd St

Overheard by: I’m a train!

Loud chick on cell: So I told him he’s gotta do some exercises or something to keep up with me. I mean, he doesn’t do any foreplay or anything, just climbs his fat ass on top of me…

–37th & Broadway

Guy on phone at sandwich shop: How am I? Well, that’s a complicated quesion -do you mean right now, or in general? Because right now, Lisa’s got a really bad cold and is all set up on the couch and I just got back from a eulogy for a friend’s pop. So now I’m getting a coffee and then I plan on riding the bicycle at the gym -’cause that’s the closest I can get to heroin. How are you?

–85th & Columbus Ave

Lady, to marathon wheelchair participants: Don’t just sit there, go go go!

–99th & 5th, NYC Marathon

Grown woman, clapping and bouncing up and down: Yaaaaaaay, I get to go on the slide!

–76th & York

Ten-year-old girl leaving the midnight showing of Harry Potter: Ugh. I am never working out again!

–68th & Broadway

Overheard by: Sarah Booz

Don’t You Make Your Own Lunch?

Guy #1: You’ve been snackin’ recently.
Guy #2: What do you mean?
Guy #1: Spitting in my sandwiches –and I still eat them, but there’s no trust!

–4 Train

Overheard by: Been Jamin’

Now New York Is Laughing

Guy #1: Man, do you think *Jane is hot?
Guy #2: I mean she’s smart, but I wouldn’t say she’s hot. Why do you think she’s into you?
Guy #1: Well, I think that she thinks I’m arrogant, but I’m not. It just comes off that way because I’m really insecure, my confidence is all fake.
Guy #3: Hey, I think that girl is listening to us… And she’s laughing.
Guy #1: Anyway… Can we please talk about my insecurities for a while, we never talk about me.

–Metro North

Overheard by: texting her friend the whole convo

Girls Just Wanna Have Wednesday One-Liners

Six-year-old girl, after careful consideration: Oh, well. That’s Ok. A baby is almost as much fun as a trampoline.

–Sidewalk Cafe

Guy to friend at 1 AM on a Thursday: Hey, I have an idea -let’s talk about how Dan fucked my ex-girlfriend! That’ll be fun, that’s a good story!

–PATH Train to Hoboken

Overheard by: Katie

Cali girl, to her roommate: We need to be more like coke whores but, like, without the coke, and not the whore part, but just like, opulent and fun.

–133rd & Frederick Douglass

Overheard by: Nathalie

Guy on cell: But, mother, maybe she wants to have fun for a couple of years before she becomes a nun.

–Midtown

Overheard by: Killer

20-something woman on cell: When I left my mom just now she said, ‘Have fun gay-tripping in California.’ Uhmmmmm?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: McF

Middle aged babysitter corralling flock of young children down the street: This should be fun… How come it isn’t? Anybody got any ideas?

–18th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Dave

You’re Generating Static on My Love Radio

Black male with empty 2-wheeler: Man, I’m about to slap fire out my boss.
Friend, looking at Puerto Rican Chick sitting across from them: Heh…
Black male with empty 2-wheeler: Sixty-three fuckin’ dollaz man!?! Sixty-three fuckin’… Who the fuck pays sixty-three dollaz for a bag of ice?!
Friend, still looking at Puerto Rican Chick sitting across from them: Heh…
Black male with empty 2-wheeler: What the fuck? Must be glacial ice! Straight from the muffuckin glacier ‘n shit.
Friend, still looking at Puerto Rican Chick sitting across from them: Heh…
Black male with empty 2-wheeler: Maybe it was organic ice or some shit: I can’t believe this shit!
[Puerto Rican chic rolls her eyes.]
Friend, no longer looking at Puerto Rican Chick sitting across from them: You’re fuckin up my game again, son.

–F train

Consider Yourself Provisionally Forgiven

Chick #1: I didn’t call you fat.
Chick #2: Yes, you did! I remember it vividly! But it’s okay, ’cause I just forgot.

–34th & Broadway

Overheard by: may

With Wednesday One-Liners Like These, Who Needs Enemies?

Bimbette: Luckily for me, all of my friends are really unhappy.

–Urban Outfitters, Broadway & E Houston

Overheard by: Loring

Little boy to nanny: I don’t want to play with my backup friends today! I hate the transit strike!

–Central Park

JAP: Can we talk about how he went orb hunting with his friends instead of coming to my place to cuddle me?!

–Central Park

20-something chick: I would be a lot closer friends with her if it weren’t for her hair.

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: Ladle

Eight-year-old girl to younger brother: You don’t deserve to go to your friend’s… You deserve to be punished in a dungeon!

–9th & 5th, Park Slope

Overheard by: brownthomas

Nine-year-old girl to father: All my friends have issues…

–7th Ave, Park Slope

Little girl looking at ice cream cake featuring Dora the Explorer: Look, Mommy — there’s all my friends!

–Dunkin’ Donuts/Baskin Robbins, 30th Ave, Astoria

Overheard by: Wench

We’re “Fisting,” One Might Say

High school kid #1: Yo, man, give me a pound! Man, don’t leave me hanging!
High school kid #2: What? Oh, I’m pounding you in my head.
High school kid #1: Yo, nasty!
High school kid #2: I meant with my fist! … To your fist.

–Main St, Flushing

Say Hello to My Little Wednesday One-Liner!

Girl on cell: I don’t like you, bye. No, I really don’t like you. You’re not my friend. Bye. No, I don’t like you!

–Manhattan-bound Q train

Overheard by: I love you too… now shut up!

Security guard on phone: I have a lot of friends… I have a lot of friends. I don’t need to live with my friends, under my house.

–Columbia University

Girl on cell: All I heard all night was, ‘Oh my god, that’s Rachel. I used to date her sister’s roommate!’ And, ‘Oh my god, that’s Evan. Her brother went to camp with my ex-girlfriend’s cousin!’ I’m either gonna have to learn how to fake-play Jewish geography, or find myself some non-Jewish friends… Yes, I realize neither of those is possible.

–33rd & 7th

Drunk lunatic screaming at another: Do you wanna die?! Or do you wanna be my friend?!

–31st & Broadway

Overheard by: please don’t make me choose!

Conductor: Excuse me! Excuse me! A little frottage amongst friends never hurt anyone!

–Crowded Metro-North, New Haven Line

Overheard by: vanessa

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