Man: I love these chairs out here.
Guy at next table: I hate these chairs out here.
Man: Butt the fuck out of my conversation.
Guy at next table: Shut up, I just got back here. I got my ass blown off in Iraq.
–Max Restaurant, 4th St & Ave B
Man: I love these chairs out here.
Guy at next table: I hate these chairs out here.
Man: Butt the fuck out of my conversation.
Guy at next table: Shut up, I just got back here. I got my ass blown off in Iraq.
–Max Restaurant, 4th St & Ave B
Man to lady pushing onto train: Look, I can’t go in much further unless I start sodomozing the guy in front of me.
Guy in front of him: Yeah… I really don’t want that.
–Crowded L train, Bedford
Overheard by: KiltMan
Dude #1: I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Dude #2: Ummm… Hmmm.
–F train
Chick: I’m interested in what’s now — that’s why I live in Williamsburg.
–Court & 3rd Pl
Overheard by: imitation rastaman
Hyper bus driver playing with overhead marquee while driving: I can set it to police bus, training bus… It’s like a microwave — what do you want? Corn? I like to change it to ‘Harlem.’ Then people get really confused. [Changes sign to ‘B6 Limited’ and comes up to bus stop. No one gets on bus.] What do you need, the B6? No? [Keeps driving.]
–B4 bus, Sheepshead Bay
Overheard by: tanechka
Smart guy: There is no West Side. There’s only Zabar’s.
–New York Palace Hotel
Overheard by: Emily
Hipster to another: You should totally move up to Harlem. It’s getting whiter.
–Union Square
Old lady to another: Yes, she’s still alive. She’s living all alone on the Upper East Side. Well, she doesn’t go out at all. You know she hates everyone, even Democrats.
–22nd & 1st
Frat boy with group of orange-tanned, fake-chested blondes: We gotta find me the Meatpacking District!
–N 4th St & Bedford Ave
Hipster guy, after hipster girl sneezes: Oh, God bless you.
Hipster girl: Don’t bless me.
Hipster guy: Fuck you, then.
–Fat Baby, Lower East Side
Overheard by: RoninTy
Girl: This has got to be the hottest station in New York.
Guy: It’s good for you. It’s like a sauna — it will open your pores.
Girl: I don’t want my pores open down here!
–5 train, Fulton St station
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
Water connoisseur: So, how did things go last night with… Ugh… What’s her name? Kate?
Friend: Seriously, dude, it was going so well, but then she did something really f-ing nasty.
Water connoisseur: Whaaa?
Friend: Dude, she put an unfiltered ice cube in my Brita water. She totally tainted the water. Dude, that’s just gross.
Water connoisseur: How do you know she didn’t filter the cubes?
Friend: Dude, you just can’t risk something like that…
–N train
Overheard by: Mikeyy
Thug skater #1: Man, how long you been skating?
Thug skater #2: As long as I been smokin’.
Thug skater #1: How long you been smokin’?
Thug skater #2: Man, I don’t know!
–12th St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Laura
Girl: So, for our Geology class we’ve got to come here for a field trip to look at rocks.
Guy: Central Park is 100 percent man-made.
Girl: But the rocks are real, aren’t they?
–Central Park
Overheard by: McJohnny
Negligent mom: He’s a little boy — that’s what he’s supposed to do! They have penises so they can wave them around!
–Danice, 125th & 8th
Overheard by: Tammy Scumbag
Guy: You think I don’t have one? You think I don’t have one?! I will flash everyone on this train!
–6 train
Black man to girlfriend: Why you tellin’ everybody ’bout mah dick for? Oh, you sad now? Well, stop tellin’ everybody ’bout mah dick!
–Staten Island
Overheard by: Against Marj
Little kid waiting to cross street: Owww, my wiener!
–Times Square
Overheard by: Sandy
Queer: Rocky got hard during ‘Touch me, touch me’ because Janet would rub all over him and he was straight… And in those little yellow shorts you could see his penis grow like a torpedo.
–1 train
Overheard by: Smirking Minnesotan
Professor, about ancient Greek theater: Lots of padding, lots of masks, lots of… phalluses.
–Columbia University
