Girl #1: Everyone always criticizes my choice in men. I get so sick of it; there’s nothing wrong with Tom.
Girl #2: He looks like Hitler, he drools, he’s always whining and making high-pitched noises, and everyone keeps putting him down, and he never even stands up for himself.
Girl #1: He may be a total loser and a freak but he still has some redeeming qualities. Plus if I didn’t date him no one else would.
Tom: Thanks.
–Grand Central
Overheard by: Upstate Gambler
Fireman, telling a story about a female fire fighter: She’s one tough woman.
Retired cop: All firemen are tough women.
–Bar, Staten Island
Headline by: Max North
Runners-Up:
· “And Don’t Even Get me Started on Lifeguards…Bunch of Pussies.” – Lindsey
· “Does This Hose Make my Ass Look Big?” – Bones
· “Don’t Get Him Started on Meter Maids…” – colin
· “Firefighters Are From Venus, Cops Are From Jersey” – Hunter North
· “It Makes For an Interesting Calendar” – travis
· “That’s How the Poles Stay so Smooth” – Syd O’Banion
· “They All Refused Anesthesia During the Sex Change Operation” – Johnny D
· “Which Does Much to Explain the Low Salaries” – Jenina
· “You Should See His Burnt Doll Collection” – Matthew
· “You’ll Never Be the Man Your Mother Was.” – Paul
Girl on cell: I was like, “Back up, bitch. Get off your high horse and don’t ever talk to me again.” Such a bitch. And the thing is, she’s not even cute. Like, she has no right! She’s a fucking bitch, and she’s ugly! It’s one thing to be a bitch, but to be one when you’re ugly? You just don’t do that.
–19th & Broadway
Aspiring fashionista: I don’t know what I’d do if I had a kid and it was ugly. I’d probably die of embarassment or something. Maybe I should adopt. Can you, like, ask the adoption people to give you a good-looking child or something?
–SoHo
Flight attendant: We will be dimming the cabin lighting, as it greatly improves the attractiveness of your in-flight crew.
–JetBlue flight, JFK
Overheard by: Josh Barro
Father, to kids: Good job, guys! So [the doctor] says you’re ugly, but healthy.
–Pediatrics office, Tribeca
Buff girl on cell: Yeah, well, she accused me of being mean. She insulted this new dress I was wearing at the party and was all like, “Ew that is so ugly,” which was kinda bitchy, don’t you think? So I told her, “That’s because it would look like shit on you.”…Whatever. It’s true.
–NYSC, Whitestone
Overheard by: Karen
Girl on cell: But they’re, like, professional crackwhores!
–Bedford Park, Lehman College, the Bronx
Man: I never misled my mother. I did steal from her, but I was on crack.
–Joralemon St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Chicago Guy
Girl: Did you see that movie Crackheads on Fire?
–14th & 8th
Lady: Now she’s a big shot. She used to be a crackhead.
–Au Bon Pain, 8th St
Overheard by: the guy buying the SoBe Green Tea
Girl: Hey, aren’t you David Copperfield?
David Copperfield: Yes.
Girl: Will you do a trick?
David Copperfield: Not tonight, sorry.
Girl: You must have pulled something out of a hat to get in here. Loser.
–Marquee, 10th Ave
Teen boy #1: Well, it’s too bad once they have their clothes off you can’t get rid of them.
Teen boy #2: Oh, well I’d be like, “Bitch, what do you think you’re doing? You beast!”
Teen boy #1: Yeah, I guess you can do that. Just like get them naked and then analyze their bodies, and then dismiss them.
Teen boy #2: Exactly!
–86th & 19th, Brooklyn
Overheard by: kelly
Old man, to man who has just sneezed on him: Fuck you, you shithead! Ya goddamn farthole!
–44th & 8th
Overheard by: Jeremy Tortora
Crazy guy: And I’m just gonna take a shit in his fucking mouth.
–9th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Zak Santucci
Old man, to dog: Shit already, damnit! Do you hear me?! Shit already!
–51st & 8th
Mets fan: Yo, white and chubby, sit down!
Chick: Just because some loser Mets fan wants an anorexic, Abercrombie-wearing, dick-sucking, slutty cunt for a girlfriend, I should feel bad because you think I’m white and chubby?!
–Yankee Stadium, between sections 37 & 39
Overheard by: another creature
Pharmacist: You should probably re-sign your card.
Woman: Why?
Pharmacist: Well, you signed over the magnetic strip. You’re supposed to sign over the white part down here.
Woman: Then how would the machine read my signature? That doesn’t make any sense.
Pharmacist: No, it’s a magnetic strip. It reads the information, not the signature.
Woman: I don’t think you know what you’re talking about. That’s not how the machines work. You’re a pharmacist, not an electrician.
Then the pharmacist gave up.
–Zitomer, 76th & Madison
Overheard by: Helena
Guy #1: Wait a sec, what train is this? What am I on?
Guy #2: I’m on your mom. That’s what I’m on.
–D train
