Teen guy #1: My dad’s gonna get me fucking Yankees tickets this year!Yankees tickets!
Teen guy #2: You said that last year, and it never happened.
Teen guy #1: Uh, Earth to moron, last year was different. I lied to you last year.
Teen guy #1: You are so fucking Zoolander, man.
–1 train
Conductor: Look, people. Okay. When we say “stay clear of the closing doors”, that means don’t push a closing door back open. Don’t stick your hands or feet in the door. You could lose an arm or a leg or get seriously hurt. These trains run 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Holding a door open is not worth your life. Don’t hold the doors open when they are closing. This isn’t rocket science. God, it’s not even high school science.
–1/9 train
Girl: Where are you taking me?
Guy: Home.
Girl: No, seriously?
Guy: Home, you think I’m kidding?
Girl: …seriously?
Guy: We’re going to my place, yeah. Why?
Girl: I just met you.
They both got out of the subway together.
–2 train
Overheard by: charlie moreno
Drunk #1: This little guy was almost in the Olympics for me…he was almost the donkey I never had.
Drunk #2: Donkey?
Drunk #1: Yeah, like a horse.
–N train
White guy: You know, on the Tokyo subways they have people who push passengers onto trains. Uh, have you ever been to Tokyo?
Asian guy: No.
White guy: Oh. Are you Japanese?
Asian guy: No.
White guy: Oh. Where you from?
Asian guy: Queens.
–N train
Overheard by: Rich
Girl #1: Don’t be fuckin’ with him. That nigga got herpes in his mouth. He gave it to my girl Chelisa.
Girl #2: Del is too fine to have herpes in his mouth. You’re hating.
–A train
Overheard by: joey montana
Queer: I heard Matt Lauer is gay.
Fag hag: No, I think he’s married.
Queer: Well, you know Sam Champion is gay, right?
Fag hag: Yeah, he’s open about it.
Queer: He and his lover came to Bloomingdale’s to buy bedding. They used to buy a lot of bedding.
–F train
Hobo: Stop making the fucking announcements twice, you cocksuckers. Fucking close the doors, don’t just keep them opening and shutting again! You muthafuckas! I need to fucking get home! I need to fucking feed my fish, yo! Fish need to eat too! Now have you seen those pigeons around the city? They carry mad disease…Where are you from, muthafucka? Pennsylvania? Oh, you must be a smart son of a bitch! Oh fuck! Close the doors you muthafucka! I need to feed my fish! Suck my balls!
The doors finally close.
Hobo: It’s about fucking time! We’re riding slower than if I was on a turtle’s back! And local stops too! My fucking fish are gonna fucking die! I should just make a goddamn goldfish sandwich with mayonnaise!
A Black guy comes through the car doors from the car behind and observes the hobo.
Black guy: Oh damn. Two wackos on one train? That’s too much.
Hobo: Close the door, please…cocksucker…Por. Favor.
–E train
Overheard by: Megan Cowles
Man: How is AM New York?
Woman: It’s good, easy. Easy reading. It’s not heavy.
Man: What does AM stand for?
Woman: Umm…I think it stands for morning. Like, morning New York.
Man: Morning! I never thought of that. Yeah, morning New York. That’s good.
–1 train
Overheard by: Jason Steinhauer
Pregnant chick: You know when I pop this bitch out it is on. Get me a drink!
–2/3 train
Mother: Come here. You’re seven years old and you can’t fasten your own shoelaces? No more video games for your black ass.
–W. 53rd & 10th
Overheard by: James Shannon
Queer: You know, she sent her children to England, so they’d learn how to pronunciate words correctly.
–Angelo’s, 55th Street
