Queer #1: Why are only the uptown trains coming?
Queer #2: Maybe the uptown tunnels are really tight.
–W 4th station
Queer #1: Why are only the uptown trains coming?
Queer #2: Maybe the uptown tunnels are really tight.
–W 4th station
Man on cell: So, what have you been up to, besides running a sperm bank?
–Chinatown bus
Yuppie: So he shot some sperm in my mouth, and I ate it.
–3rd Ave
Overheard by: renata
Woman on cell: I know! And the only thing insurance doesn’t cover is the sperm!
–20th & 5th
Overheard by: I want to get on her plan
Queer: He got sweat in my eyes, cum in my nose, and shit on my dick.
–1 train
Man on cell: It looked like he was covered in jizz. Giant jizz. Like giant, Paul Bunyan-jizz.
–5th Ave
NYU chick: So then I realized that I had cum on my breath! And what would he think of that?
–Waverly & Broadway
Freshman: So what if you occasionally jizz in your pants?
–Fordham University
Overheard by: Rachel Hoban
Teen girl #1: So, I heard that this porn star had, like, lung cancer and had to, like, have part of her lung removed.
Teen girl #2: Damn, that sucks. Is she, like, always out of breath?
Teen girl #1: Yeah, and she, like, can’t talk that much either ’cause she can hardly breathe.
Teen girl #2: But isn’t she a porn star? When she like, you know, has an orgasm, how can she make those loud noises? Her career is so over.
Teen girl #1: Maybe she has a ventriloquist.
Teen girl #2: No way. That’d only work if she was a guy and it was gay porn, ’cause, I mean, who’s ever heard of a girl ventriloquist?
–Deli, 42nd St
Headline by: Emilio Lizardo
Runners-Up:
· “And They Called Her Howdy Pooty” – Sean
· “Charlie McCarthy Does Dallas!” – Mary Beth Hanlon
· “How many ‘likes’ does it take to get to another orgasm?” – Maggie Mae
· “I never knew smoking pole could cause lung cancer” – Matt T
· “If Helen Keller did porn” – Em
· “She’s Not Bad, But I Can See Her Lips Moving” – Dan
· “That’s not all she’s faking” – CoolPapaZ
· “Those screeching sounds come from her other set of lips” – Nick. D.
· “You know what else turns me on? Leprosy” – Steve
Dude: I haven’t had sex in a year.
Chick: Really?
Dude, entering crowded subway: I’m gonna cum in five seconds.
–Downtown 6 train
Suit: I’d leave my wife for her if her clit didn’t taste like a spicy tuna roll.
–Chambers & Broadway
Girl on cell: I don’t care how many fingers you put in her. Bottom line is, she didn’t blow you. So I win.
–Times Square
Overheard by: shap
Utilitarian guy: A blow job is better than no job.
–Sex Work Conference, The New School
Overheard by: wendy
Girl: $50 for a 2-minute bj? I’d do it. It takes me 8 hours to make $50. Shit.
–Queens bound F train
Overheard by: Marisa
Dude: So, did she orgasm in your mouth?
–219 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Trey Givens
Hipster: I’m thinking of getting that little string thing attached to my tongue cut off so I can eat pussy better.
–Chinatown bus
Queer #1 to queer #2: Well if I’m not giving you head and you’re not giving me head then we’ve got a problem.
–Wachovia, 17th & 7th
Overheard by: Joanna
Long Island girl #1: Yeah, I totally thought that he was into the whole making me cum first thing.
Long Island girl #2: What happened?
Long Island girl #1: I bought “Her Pleasure” condoms, and he threw a hissy fit.
–A train
Woman: Our biggest problem with sex was that he came too fast, because he was so into me. So now he uses desensitizing condoms, and that works a lot better, especially because it takes me a really long time to have an orgasm with him.
Woman: I was really anxious, so I went to my GP and she prescribed Klonopin. That completely took my anxiety away, but then my doctor said that she didn’t feel that that was a good long-term drug. I guess I agree with that. I did take one Klonopin on the plane yesterday, but that was okay because it was just a recreational Klonopin.
Woman: Now that I’m a wife I thought I should be more proper, but it turns out he likes me slutty.
Woman: I think the most passionate sex I will ever have will be during some really passionate adulterous affair. I would have to make a really conscious decision not to have an affair; it would be like fourth-order cognition.
–Indus Valley, 100th & Broadway
