Hot Asian chick to boyfriend, about former boyfriend: He actually told me he liked fucking me because of my “almond eyes.”
Boyfriend: Where do you find these guys?
Hot Asian chick: I know, right?
Boyfriend: I like fucking you because you come at least once a minute.
Hot Asian chick: Take me home now!

–8th & Broadway

Overheard by: …can i borrow her

Guy to self: Doctor Jean Grey has the most powerful orgasm of all the X-Men.

–Union Square Park

Overheard by: Stan

Engineering school chick, screaming: And I was like, ‘Oh my god, this is the worst protractor ever!’

–Columbia University

Skanky hipster chick to another: I would totally do him… But only if I had the ninja outfit on.

–Ludlow St.

[Four NYPD cops are checking people’s bags at rush hour. A man in a suit appears to be their superior.]Man in suit: But then he realizes that Jedis don’t seek revenge. [The four cops all nod gravely.]

–W 4th St Subway Station

Overheard by: KL

Fiftyish suit: Chewbacca, the original wingman…

–86th & Lexington

Overheard by: Ike

Woman on cell: I’m busy. I’ve got things to do. And right now what I’m doing is looking at comic books.

–Forbidden Planet

Overheard by: Josh

Chick: We were always competing to be chief geek… But he had asperger’s, so he won.

–Central Park

Teen boy #1: We’ve had three or four pregnancy scares.
Teen boy #2: What?!
Teen boy #1: Yeah. One time it turned out she just skipped her period… But it just feels so good to finish inside! It feels heavenly. It’s probably what it feels like to meet God.

–Shea Stadium

Overheard by: Taylor

Guy #1: Actually, I can only have orgasms while I eat good food.
Guy #2: This is why I wear diapers.

–Richardson St & Graham Ave, Williamsburg

Overheard by: martimus

Queer #1: Why are only the uptown trains coming?
Queer #2: Maybe the uptown tunnels are really tight.

–W 4th station

Man on cell: So, what have you been up to, besides running a sperm bank?

–Chinatown bus

Yuppie: So he shot some sperm in my mouth, and I ate it.

–3rd Ave

Overheard by: renata

Woman on cell: I know! And the only thing insurance doesn’t cover is the sperm!

–20th & 5th

Overheard by: I want to get on her plan

Queer: He got sweat in my eyes, cum in my nose, and shit on my dick.

–1 train

Man on cell: It looked like he was covered in jizz. Giant jizz. Like giant, Paul Bunyan-jizz.

–5th Ave

NYU chick: So then I realized that I had cum on my breath! And what would he think of that?

–Waverly & Broadway

Freshman: So what if you occasionally jizz in your pants?

–Fordham University

Overheard by: Rachel Hoban

Teen girl #1: So, I heard that this porn star had, like, lung cancer and had to, like, have part of her lung removed.
Teen girl #2: Damn, that sucks. Is she, like, always out of breath?
Teen girl #1: Yeah, and she, like, can’t talk that much either ’cause she can hardly breathe.
Teen girl #2: But isn’t she a porn star? When she like, you know, has an orgasm, how can she make those loud noises? Her career is so over.
Teen girl #1: Maybe she has a ventriloquist.
Teen girl #2: No way. That’d only work if she was a guy and it was gay porn, ’cause, I mean, who’s ever heard of a girl ventriloquist?

–Deli, 42nd St

Headline by: Emilio Lizardo


· “And They Called Her Howdy Pooty” – Sean

· “Charlie McCarthy Does Dallas!” – Mary Beth Hanlon

· “How many ‘likes’ does it take to get to another orgasm?” – Maggie Mae

· “I never knew smoking pole could cause lung cancer” – Matt T

· “If Helen Keller did porn” – Em

· “She’s Not Bad, But I Can See Her Lips Moving” – Dan

· “That’s not all she’s faking” – CoolPapaZ

· “Those screeching sounds come from her other set of lips” – Nick. D.

· “You know what else turns me on? Leprosy” – Steve

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Dude: I haven’t had sex in a year.
Chick: Really?
Dude, entering crowded subway: I’m gonna cum in five seconds.

–Downtown 6 train

Suit: I’d leave my wife for her if her clit didn’t taste like a spicy tuna roll.

–Chambers & Broadway

Girl on cell: I don’t care how many fingers you put in her. Bottom line is, she didn’t blow you. So I win.

–Times Square

Overheard by: shap

Utilitarian guy: A blow job is better than no job.

–Sex Work Conference, The New School

Overheard by: wendy

Girl: $50 for a 2-minute bj? I’d do it. It takes me 8 hours to make $50. Shit.

–Queens bound F train

Overheard by: Marisa

Dude: So, did she orgasm in your mouth?

–219 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Trey Givens

Hipster: I’m thinking of getting that little string thing attached to my tongue cut off so I can eat pussy better.

–Chinatown bus

Queer #1 to queer #2: Well if I’m not giving you head and you’re not giving me head then we’ve got a problem.

–Wachovia, 17th & 7th

Overheard by: Joanna

Long Island girl #1: Yeah, I totally thought that he was into the whole making me cum first thing.
Long Island girl #2: What happened?
Long Island girl #1: I bought “Her Pleasure” condoms, and he threw a hissy fit.

–A train