Hot chick walks by in Yankees sweatshirt.
Guy to friend: Dude. Dude, that girl is hot as fuck. I would hit that so hard.
Mets fan nearby: Ouch. Sucks she’s a Yankees fan.
Guy: What? Who the hell cares? She could have a fucking penis, and I’d still hit that shit up, down, left, right, and diagonally.
Mets fan: That’s kinda gay.
–Times Square
Guy: Peanut butter and dick is so delicious.
–Henry St & Clinton St
Overheard by: Jeannie
Hipster girl to friends: … And that’s why guys shouldn’t try to suck their own dicks.
–Dominie’s Hoek, Long Island
Guy: I just made an RM cry. I feel like a compliance dickhead!
–Wall St
EMS worker: … And that’s how my penis landed in the punch bowl.
–Fordham & Southern
Guy on phone: What? If my balls are on your chin, where the fuck is my cock?
–Mercer & W 3rd
Overheard by: TheBrit
Woman in an ‘Officer Nasty’ costume: That girl sure knows how to bake a penis!
–Party, 168th & Broadway
Overheard by: Peter Pecker
Girlfriend: What would you do if I just suddenly grew a penis?
Boyfriend: Well, first I’d scream. Then, I’d probably jack you off.
–7 train station, Main St
20-something girl: I once broke up with a guy because he was too small.
Queer: Yikes.
20-something girl: It wouldn’t have been a problem if he could have, you know, made up for it in other ways.
Queer: He wasn’t creative?
20-something girl: He was in advertising.
–26th St, between 7th & 8th
Man on cell: So, what have you been up to, besides running a sperm bank?
–Chinatown bus
Yuppie: So he shot some sperm in my mouth, and I ate it.
–3rd Ave
Overheard by: renata
Woman on cell: I know! And the only thing insurance doesn’t cover is the sperm!
–20th & 5th
Overheard by: I want to get on her plan
Queer: He got sweat in my eyes, cum in my nose, and shit on my dick.
–1 train
Man on cell: It looked like he was covered in jizz. Giant jizz. Like giant, Paul Bunyan-jizz.
–5th Ave
NYU chick: So then I realized that I had cum on my breath! And what would he think of that?
–Waverly & Broadway
Freshman: So what if you occasionally jizz in your pants?
–Fordham University
Overheard by: Rachel Hoban
Guy #1: You should go back to sucking dick, that’s what you’re good at.
Guy #2: You would know… Damn it!
–Washington Place & Broadway
Overheard by: NewYorkerNick
Woman: Damn, that model has the smallest penis I’ve ever seen!
–Bodies Exhibit, South Street Seaport
Teen girl: I’m not saying I wish I had a penis. It would just be nice to be able to pee standing up.
Teen guy: Peeing standing up is a lot like eating grapefruit… One wrong move, and you could squirt yourself in the eye.
Teen girl: Oh my god… seriously?
–Famous Original Ray’s Pizza, 7th Ave
Hipster guy #1: And then there was a huge dick.
Hipster guy #2: A dick?
Hipster guy #1: Yeah, and it was ejaculating a swastica all over the concrete.
Hipster guy #3: What a fucked up dream.
–3rd Ave & 9th St
Overheard by: Lloy-Duh
Drunk queer #1: Hey, let’s get some food!
Drunk queer #2: I don’t have any money!
Drunk queer #1: That’s alright. Papi will pay…if you nibble his foreskin!
Drunk queer #2: Alright. Where do you wanna go?
–17th & 5th
