Wednesday One-Liners Before the Fall

Chick: …And then when the naked girl got in the balloon I was so scared I thought I would die!

–1 train

Overheard by: Michael Schiano

Dude: It’s like, as soon as you step into a room and take off your pants, all hell breaks loose!

–Allen & Stanton

Overheard by: Griffin

Dude: I swear, like, everyone on this block has seen me naked.

–Outside Rubin Hall, NYU

Overheard by: Josh

Little girl: Look! The nakeds! They’re naked!

–Greek sculpture wing, the Met

Chick on cell: I mean, if I’m going to send my friends footage of me doing topless jumping jacks, I want it to be remembered.

–Harlem

Suit on cell: You wanna know why we’re not friends anymore? Remember the last time you came to my house? I came out of the bathroom and there you were, stretched out on my sofa, naked, playing with your dick. What the fuck was that all about?

–City Hall Park

Overheard by: Big Larry

Doctor to patient: Sir, I am going to prescribe you two things — some burn cream for, well, you know, and some advice: try not to cook without your pants on.

–Beth Israel Hospital Emergency Room

Posted on January 3, 2007
Doctors, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Kids, Nudity, On Cell, On the Subway, Parks, Penis, Suits

Five Spokes

Hipster hootchie: I was in Miami a couple weeks ago and saw Lucy.
Queer: Oh yeah, how was that?
Hipster hootchie: It was good… Hung out on the beach… I didn’t know she had a wiener…
Queer: You didn’t know she had a wiener?!
Hipster hootchie: No, not until she started doing cartwheels.

–Bodega, Stanton & Ridge

Overheard by: Ryan

Posted on January 2, 2007
Bodegas, Hipsters, Penis, Queer guys

Hey, Whatever It Takes to Get Them Out of Diapers

Boy: Mom, why is there a line here and not on the boys’ side?
Mom: Girls go to the bathroom differently. You guys can just stand around and pee and make crosses. You know — how you and Daddy make crosses with your pee-pees?

–Line for women’s room, Radio City Music Hall

Posted on December 31, 2006
Boys, Moms, Pee, Penis

Regardless, It Would Be a Great Conversation Piece

Hippie chick: They don’t use dryers in that country. I hung them outside.
Ditzy chick yelling over traffic: You what them?!
Hippie chick: Hung… Hung… Like a penis.
Ditzy chick: How do you hang a penis?

–Times Square

Overheard by: Kelly

Posted on December 29, 2006
Bimbettes, Hippies, Penis, Times Square

Nah, I’d Send in a Designated Hitter

Hot chick walks by in Yankees sweatshirt.

Guy to friend: Dude. Dude, that girl is hot as fuck. I would hit that so hard.
Mets fan nearby: Ouch. Sucks she’s a Yankees fan.
Guy: What? Who the hell cares? She could have a fucking penis, and I’d still hit that shit up, down, left, right, and diagonally.
Mets fan: That’s kinda gay.

–Times Square

Posted on December 28, 2006
Gays and Lesbians, Penis, Times Square

Wednesday One-Liners Enforce the Penile Code

Guy: Peanut butter and dick is so delicious.

–Henry St & Clinton St

Overheard by: Jeannie

Hipster girl to friends: … And that’s why guys shouldn’t try to suck their own dicks.

–Dominie’s Hoek, Long Island

Guy: I just made an RM cry. I feel like a compliance dickhead!

–Wall St

EMS worker: … And that’s how my penis landed in the punch bowl.

–Fordham & Southern

Guy on phone: What? If my balls are on your chin, where the fuck is my cock?

–Mercer & W 3rd

Overheard by: TheBrit

Woman in an ‘Officer Nasty’ costume: That girl sure knows how to bake a penis!

–Party, 168th & Broadway

Overheard by: Peter Pecker

Posted on December 20, 2006
All Wednesday One-Liners, Penis, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Then I’d Retreat to the Shower and Scrub Myself with Brillo

Girlfriend: What would you do if I just suddenly grew a penis?
Boyfriend: Well, first I’d scream. Then, I’d probably jack you off.

–7 train station, Main St

Posted on December 18, 2006
Boyfriends, Girlfriends, Hand-Jobs, Penis, Subway Stations

Kept Pitching the Advantages of the Compact Model

20-something girl: I once broke up with a guy because he was too small.
Queer: Yikes.
20-something girl: It wouldn’t have been a problem if he could have, you know, made up for it in other ways.
Queer: He wasn’t creative?
20-something girl: He was in advertising.

–26th St, between 7th & 8th