Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners Mostly Drink and Download Music

First year law student on phone with mom: All I do anymore is study and have sex!

–Fordham University

Frat boy: … But the thing that really almost got me kicked out of college was when we installed the zip line…

–14th & University

Overheard by: rachel

Bimbette: I feel, like, if you can read and write, you’re set for life.

–1 train

Overheard by: Fatty McFingers

NYU ditz: Oh, I know, I love philosophy classes. You can just feel your mind turning in new ways, grasping at straws.

–Veselka

Overheard by: Bean

Blonde on cell: Well, duh, Dad. Obviously I wouldn’t take an archeology class if I wasn’t interested in what it’s like to be an architect… Yeah, an archeologist — that’s exactly what I said.

–Lincoln Center

Girl to lab instructor: Should I start thinking now?

–Barnard College

Wednesday One-Liners, Some Purple Stuff, Sunny D…

Queer on cell: Fiji water is so last year.

–Christopher St

Mad chick to man: And, you know, no, no! I am not going to IM you every time I’m drinking sangria!

–Nolita House, E Houston

Overheard by: amalthya

Girl: Oh my god! They have this iced tea here that’s, like, hot.

–Cosi’s, 13th & Broadway

Conductor: Good evening, everybody, and welcome to the 3:50 a.m. whiskey whistle! Were they giving away booze in New York tonight?

–LIRR, Penn Station

Overheard by: I wasn’t Drunk Though

Man: So, the officer said to me, ‘Ah, the old beer in a tube sock…’

–Judson Memorial Church, Washington Sq South

Overheard by: mrbojangles

NYU girl: Fruit punch is like fruit juice on ecstasy!

–Midtown

Overheard by: Ryan Hague

Mom to two-year-old: We’re going home now, and Mommy’s going to make a big, fat cocktail.

–Citibabes, Soho

Overheard by: wish i had a big fat cocktail

Female: I’m so thirsty I could almost drink water!

–Across from former Forward building

Overheard by: Avalanche

Wednesday One-Liners Report to Hindquarters

Angry black woman to white man close behind her: Son, you got a lotta ass on yo’ dick right now.

–Dense crowd, 4th & 6th

Overheard by: jealous?

Guy to friends: I’m not a one-ass guy, even if it is my own ass.

–26th & 8th

Large black man: I’m grabbin’ booties, so all y’all better move outta my way!

–37th & 7th

Overheard by: daniel

Ghetto fab guy: Well, tickle my ass an’ call me Mary Poppins…

–85th & 2nd

Overheard by: Mitorizu

Dude: My ass likes to eat things.

–76th & Broadway

Overheard by: Hew, the bird

Suit: Now there’s an ass you could rest a loaf of bread on!

–Time Square

Crazy preacher: Lust is a sin. Women, don’t show your butts to men — cover them up, or the seven last plagues will cover them up for you.

–6 train

Overheard by: Zavreio

Wednesday One-Liners of the Methane Planet

Guy: I was laughing so hard gas was coming out of my buttocks!

–Astor Pl

Overheard by: Allie

Loud girl to boyfriend: You know what would be great? If you could stop making those vicious smelly farts and then looking around like it’s somebody else. We all know it’s you.

–A train

Lady to friend: No, seriously! ‘Cause it was like, two hundred farts per whatever, and it should really only be like 35.

–Charlton & Varick St

Overheard by: sophie

Loud little boy: Mommy, I feel much better now! Yes, I did! I farted!

–W 71st & Columbus

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Guy: Good god, my farts smell like cum!

–Christopher St

Overheard by: Deeply Troubled

20-something chick on cell: No, it’s ridiculous. She’s afraid to shit in his house ’cause he thinks girls don’t shit. I mean, how many times have they had anal? Obviously the hole is there for something… I hope she farts on his dick.

–1 train

Overheard by: jenny

Blind guy walking dog: Ughhh, I just farted… Good morning, New York. I love you.

–Central Park

Overheard by: AMOS

Wednesday One-Liners Missed That Week in Health Class

Boy to friends: Last one to the car has herpes!

–Hylan Blvd, Staten Island

NYU co-ed to another: You gotta put on your STD face!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Jatmos

Drunk girl yelling at drunk guy down the street: I’m pretty sure I haven’t contracted anything from anyone tonight!

–12th & 3rd

20-something chick: How come all the nice guys I meet always have some sort of STD?

–Lincoln Center

Drunk NYU chick: You’re gay and you go to NYU — there’s no reason why your love life shouldn’t be flourishing… except AIDS.

–Union Square

Overheard by: that guy

Blonde: Just because you have syphilis doesn’t mean I have to listen to you!

–Max Breener’s Chocolate Shop, Union Square

Overheard by: Eskimo Child

Chick on cell: Brian? I love Brian… even though he gave me the herpe.

–E 9th & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Raven

Wednesday One-Liners Get Acculturated

TA: Is anyone in here Canadian? Good. I didn’t want to offend anyone.

–NYU

Woman with thick German accent about people with thick Indian accents: You can’t understand anything these people say because of their accents!

–LaGuardia airport

Overheard by: Lolo

Girl on cell: They are Mexicans dressed up as soccer moms in minivans dressed up as dirty Mexicans, and on the back of their minivans they have a Mexican flag and a bumper sticker that says, ‘Cross country is my favorite sport’!

–Train from Secaucus to Penn Station

Overheard by: uulovesuu

Foreign street vendor to another: If you kill a German, it’s different.

–Prince & Greene St

Shocked waiter to very smug waiter: Whoa! You’re even more expensive than a Russian girlfriend!

–Bread restaurant, Prince St

Overheard by: Sheila Michaels

Wednesday One-Liners Have Certain Reservations

Ugly chick: Donovan’s is a restaurant suggestion, not an invitation to my pussy!

–Bar

Overheard by: kathy

Dude to friends: When I go out to eat it’s usually, like, places where I can take off all my clothes.

–Brunch, Renaissance Diner

Overheard by: ctoe

Chatty woman in robe: And I thought, this would never happen in New York. In New York you would call and they would say, ‘If you can’t find our restaurant, you’re too stupid to eat here.’

–Bliss Spa, E 57th St

Short black teen: Yo, once I was in this fancy restaurant, and pâté was on the menu, and my friend said, ‘Yo, what the hell is pate?’ I was like, ‘That’s pâté, negro!’

–16th & 1st

Overheard by: A laughing classmate

Uptown bimbette: I read about this place. It’s George Clooney’s new restaurant.

–Café Cluny, W 4th St & W 12th St

Overheard by: Pugparents

Wednesday One-Liners Were Told There Was No Such Thing As a Stupid Question

CSR on phone: Yoko, I need someone to speak Chinese to a customer… What do you mean you only speak Japanese? Aren’t they the same?

–Citibank, Rockefeller Plaza

Blonde girl: Are we in a tunnel?

–Tour bus, Lincoln Tunnel

Overheard by: Adriane S

Temp: Do they celebrate Thanksgiving in Europe?

–Mailroom, PR firm

HS girl: The directions say go West. So I guess that means go left. Does West always mean left?

–1/9 train, 14th St

Overheard by: LA Law Girl

Girl on line for ice rink: Ummm, so, is it heated in there?

–Outdoor skating rink, Bryant Park

Overheard by: R&S

NYU girl: What language do they speak in Russia?

–Hayden Residence Hall, Washington Sq

Scholar: Is the West Fourth Street on the East side or the West side?

–6 train, 86th St

Wednesday One-Liners Pick Up Boys in the Frozen Food Aisle

Poli-Sci professor: … And the FCC makes rulings so that you can’t show nipples at the Super Bowl.

–Hunter College

Overheard by: Brownsvillegirl

Girl: Wouldn’t it be weird to kill someone using only your nipples?

–Harlem

Overheard by: Argopelter

Tan chick: I don’t want those black bitches looking at my nipples.

–L train

20-ish broad: I just don’t think the tassles are big enough to fit over my nipples.

–Momofuku Ssam Bar, 13th & 2nd

Overheard by: McFreaky

Ghetto dude rapping to friends: Yo, the hash balls there are bigger than your girl’s nipples!

–E 4th St & Ave A

Overheard by: punkee

Nerd: My nipples are so hard they could pick a lock.

–Javits Center

Overheard by: Allisa

Sorostitute: Tonight would have been so much better if my nipple hadn’t exploded.

–Marriott, Times Square

Deliberately Obfuscating Wednesday One-Liners

Mom to 13-year-old boy: Honey, that was really scatological.

–Bleecker & 6th

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

Woman: No, tiny Katie — the one with the enormous mammary protruberances.

–R train, Queens Plaza

Overheard by: I mean I wanna squeeze ’em!

Suit mom to teen daughter: We should go, but before we do, perhaps we should urinate.

–Barnes & Noble, Court St

Overheard by: Zenana

Dude: I have many ways to distance myself from other people. Primarily gastronomically.

–12th St, between 2nd & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: tbull

Man on cell: I am so not litigious. I am, like, violently not litigious.

–66th & Broadway

Overheard by: Nora

Girl: I mean, come on! We’re in college! Can’t the word ‘silly’ stay in the dorms? I mean, there’s a dictionary full of words that could be used to describe something so… erroneous.

–Fordham University, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Kate Melvin

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