Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners of the Methane Planet

Guy: I was laughing so hard gas was coming out of my buttocks!

–Astor Pl

Overheard by: Allie

Loud girl to boyfriend: You know what would be great? If you could stop making those vicious smelly farts and then looking around like it’s somebody else. We all know it’s you.

–A train

Lady to friend: No, seriously! ‘Cause it was like, two hundred farts per whatever, and it should really only be like 35.

–Charlton & Varick St

Overheard by: sophie

Loud little boy: Mommy, I feel much better now! Yes, I did! I farted!

–W 71st & Columbus

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Guy: Good god, my farts smell like cum!

–Christopher St

Overheard by: Deeply Troubled

20-something chick on cell: No, it’s ridiculous. She’s afraid to shit in his house ’cause he thinks girls don’t shit. I mean, how many times have they had anal? Obviously the hole is there for something… I hope she farts on his dick.

–1 train

Overheard by: jenny

Blind guy walking dog: Ughhh, I just farted… Good morning, New York. I love you.

–Central Park

Overheard by: AMOS

Wednesday One-Liners Missed That Week in Health Class

Boy to friends: Last one to the car has herpes!

–Hylan Blvd, Staten Island

NYU co-ed to another: You gotta put on your STD face!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Jatmos

Drunk girl yelling at drunk guy down the street: I’m pretty sure I haven’t contracted anything from anyone tonight!

–12th & 3rd

20-something chick: How come all the nice guys I meet always have some sort of STD?

–Lincoln Center

Drunk NYU chick: You’re gay and you go to NYU — there’s no reason why your love life shouldn’t be flourishing… except AIDS.

–Union Square

Overheard by: that guy

Blonde: Just because you have syphilis doesn’t mean I have to listen to you!

–Max Breener’s Chocolate Shop, Union Square

Overheard by: Eskimo Child

Chick on cell: Brian? I love Brian… even though he gave me the herpe.

–E 9th & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Raven

Wednesday One-Liners Get Acculturated

TA: Is anyone in here Canadian? Good. I didn’t want to offend anyone.

–NYU

Woman with thick German accent about people with thick Indian accents: You can’t understand anything these people say because of their accents!

–LaGuardia airport

Overheard by: Lolo

Girl on cell: They are Mexicans dressed up as soccer moms in minivans dressed up as dirty Mexicans, and on the back of their minivans they have a Mexican flag and a bumper sticker that says, ‘Cross country is my favorite sport’!

–Train from Secaucus to Penn Station

Overheard by: uulovesuu

Foreign street vendor to another: If you kill a German, it’s different.

–Prince & Greene St

Shocked waiter to very smug waiter: Whoa! You’re even more expensive than a Russian girlfriend!

–Bread restaurant, Prince St

Overheard by: Sheila Michaels

Wednesday One-Liners Have Certain Reservations

Ugly chick: Donovan’s is a restaurant suggestion, not an invitation to my pussy!

–Bar

Overheard by: kathy

Dude to friends: When I go out to eat it’s usually, like, places where I can take off all my clothes.

–Brunch, Renaissance Diner

Overheard by: ctoe

Chatty woman in robe: And I thought, this would never happen in New York. In New York you would call and they would say, ‘If you can’t find our restaurant, you’re too stupid to eat here.’

–Bliss Spa, E 57th St

Short black teen: Yo, once I was in this fancy restaurant, and pâté was on the menu, and my friend said, ‘Yo, what the hell is pate?’ I was like, ‘That’s pâté, negro!’

–16th & 1st

Overheard by: A laughing classmate

Uptown bimbette: I read about this place. It’s George Clooney’s new restaurant.

–Café Cluny, W 4th St & W 12th St

Overheard by: Pugparents

Wednesday One-Liners Were Told There Was No Such Thing As a Stupid Question

CSR on phone: Yoko, I need someone to speak Chinese to a customer… What do you mean you only speak Japanese? Aren’t they the same?

–Citibank, Rockefeller Plaza

Blonde girl: Are we in a tunnel?

–Tour bus, Lincoln Tunnel

Overheard by: Adriane S

Temp: Do they celebrate Thanksgiving in Europe?

–Mailroom, PR firm

HS girl: The directions say go West. So I guess that means go left. Does West always mean left?

–1/9 train, 14th St

Overheard by: LA Law Girl

Girl on line for ice rink: Ummm, so, is it heated in there?

–Outdoor skating rink, Bryant Park

Overheard by: R&S

NYU girl: What language do they speak in Russia?

–Hayden Residence Hall, Washington Sq

Scholar: Is the West Fourth Street on the East side or the West side?

–6 train, 86th St

Wednesday One-Liners Pick Up Boys in the Frozen Food Aisle

Poli-Sci professor: … And the FCC makes rulings so that you can’t show nipples at the Super Bowl.

–Hunter College

Overheard by: Brownsvillegirl

Girl: Wouldn’t it be weird to kill someone using only your nipples?

–Harlem

Overheard by: Argopelter

Tan chick: I don’t want those black bitches looking at my nipples.

–L train

20-ish broad: I just don’t think the tassles are big enough to fit over my nipples.

–Momofuku Ssam Bar, 13th & 2nd

Overheard by: McFreaky

Ghetto dude rapping to friends: Yo, the hash balls there are bigger than your girl’s nipples!

–E 4th St & Ave A

Overheard by: punkee

Nerd: My nipples are so hard they could pick a lock.

–Javits Center

Overheard by: Allisa

Sorostitute: Tonight would have been so much better if my nipple hadn’t exploded.

–Marriott, Times Square

Deliberately Obfuscating Wednesday One-Liners

Mom to 13-year-old boy: Honey, that was really scatological.

–Bleecker & 6th

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

Woman: No, tiny Katie — the one with the enormous mammary protruberances.

–R train, Queens Plaza

Overheard by: I mean I wanna squeeze ’em!

Suit mom to teen daughter: We should go, but before we do, perhaps we should urinate.

–Barnes & Noble, Court St

Overheard by: Zenana

Dude: I have many ways to distance myself from other people. Primarily gastronomically.

–12th St, between 2nd & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: tbull

Man on cell: I am so not litigious. I am, like, violently not litigious.

–66th & Broadway

Overheard by: Nora

Girl: I mean, come on! We’re in college! Can’t the word ‘silly’ stay in the dorms? I mean, there’s a dictionary full of words that could be used to describe something so… erroneous.

–Fordham University, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Kate Melvin

Wednesday One-Liners Meet Their Totem Animals

Teen girl to teen boy: It’s all your fault! Whenever I spend the night with you, the animals suffer.

–Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: Zoe

Scene kid: So yeah, he texted me the other day saying, ‘Have you ever seen 30 orphans in a bar before? Me neither. Not until tonight.’ Yeah, they were on their way to a snake farm or something.

–R train

Overheard by: The Bostonian

Woman on phone: Snookie poo… You’re my snookie poo, chipmunk… You mad, chipmunk? Yeah, you a chipmunk and I’m a squirrel. When we get together we throw acorns at the world.

–Q46 bus to Queens Blvd

Man: And then I was like, ‘I’m not a squirrel, I’m a gay man!’

–Mac store

Girl to guy: I’ll never forget the day my goat got polio.

–25th St, Chelsea

Overheard by: Not eating goat cheese anymore

Very loud woman: What, you got lobsters coming out of your ears, you sonofabitch?

–Cubana Cafe, Boerum Hill, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Trying to eat dinner in peace

Sororitard: Everyone always thinks death by shark is horrible, but I’m telling you, it is not that bad.

–Wall St

Overheard by: Pengasaurus

Wednesday One-Liners for Congress

Trendy Asian girl on cell: So, Max came over last night and we were in the kitchen, and he lifted me up onto the counter and was like, ‘I am gonna fuck you so hard,’ and I was like, ‘Whoa, oh my god!’ But I couldn’t go through with it. So he walked over to the fridge, opened it up, and put his head inside and started, like, banging his head against the wall. I know, can you believe that?

–LIRR

Overheard by: Emily Leatrice

Hipster: I’d feel more comfortable in a sex club than going on a date.

–Penn Station

Hot chick on cell: Yes! Yes! O-M-G! We are sooo going to have a sex-a-thon! Get the girls together, my place, tonight! [To gawking passengers] Sex and the City -athon. Fucking perverts. W-T-F.

–N train

Overheard by: not invited

Teacher: Every time you put a penis into a vagina you’re risking sex.

–Health Class, LaGuardia HS

Overheard by: mf

Girl: I heard two people having really loud sex on my floor last night. It was either gay guys or Asians, I couldn’t tell.

–Cafeteria, Manhattan School of Music

Overheard by: Christiana Little

Fat suit: He made me watch while he fucked some girl, so I’m gonna make him watch while I fuck some guy!

–Astor Pl

Overheard by: Glad I wasn’t the other guy…

20-ish chick: What? I fornicate all the time, and I’ve never been arrested!

–Subway station

Overheard by: subwayrider

The L-Wednesday-One-Liner

Woman to friend: Hey, you know, this is where that lesbian touched my ass!

–W 3rd Ave & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Sakura

Chick on cell: We’re, like, the best pseudo-lesbian couple who send out erotic postcards in the world. And you can quote me on that, missy!

–Columbia University

Overheard by: McFreaky

Man wearing rainbow wig and playing a ukulele: This next song is dedicated to all the fathers out there who play with their children and take them places. To the fathers who don’t — the lesbians have a point.

–In line for Statue of Liberty

Overheard by: Stas

Nine-year-old boy: I am a lesbian, I am a lesbian…

–Central Park

Girl showing necklace to friend: You’re a raging dyke! Would you wear this?

–Canal & Church St

Overheard by: NYCDoll

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