Anger Management

Male intellectual: I was put in a mental hospital when I was fifteen. I still don’t know why. I asked a doctor at one point, “Why am I here?” and he said, “Don’t worry about it. You’re very mentally ill, and it will take you a long time to recover.” I said, “But what am I recovering from?” and he just said, “Don’t worry about it.” I still don’t know why I was there. The only reason I can think of is, I have a terrible temper.
Female intellectual: Yes, but sweetie, your temper? It’s abnormal. It’s not like a human temper. It’s insane.
Male intellectual: Well, maybe, but it’s not like I blew up the World Trade Center.

–Cafe Henri, Long Island City

Girl on cell: Oh my god, I’ve been having the shittiest day today. No, it has nothing to do with our conversation this morning. Listen, believe it or not, I can have a shitty day that has nothing to do with you…Ugh, I have no idea why I called you. [hangs up] My fucking dad. I can’t even get a sympathy “it’s all rainbows and bunnies” phone-hug from him!

–Union Square W & 15th

Overheard by: someone who knows how she feels

Hot queer in suit: I swear if one more thing goes wrong, I’m just going to pull my skirt over my head and scream!

–Broadway & 51st

Guy: It’s almost enough to make me try women.

–8th between 39th & 40th

Guy #1: So when I started telling him my feelings on the Iraq war, he rolled over to me in his wheelchair and started cursing me out. He was going on about his time in Vietnam and how there are things about war I’ll never understand.
Guy #2: That sucks.
Guy #1: I was like, “Whoa. You’re my shrink! I’m paying you to listen to me!”
Guy #2: Seriously.
Guy #1: Well, at least the co-pay was only $15. But anyway, I’m definitely not going back to him.

–Von, Bleecker & Elizabeth

Overheard by: Blondie

Old black man: Damn son, you ain’t gonna live to be my age if you keep goin’ around callin’ people assholes.
Young punk: Shut the fuck up, old man, I don’t have to listen to you! I’m emancipated!

–S train

Singing hobo: Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip —
Girl with a lot of rage: Shut the fuck up! I hate that fucking show. Gilligan’s Island. Fuck you, man.

–Union Square

Guy #1: Hey. Is it hailing out?
Guy #2: Hail yeah!
Silence for a few seconds.
Guy #2: I said…
Guy #1: I heard you. Shut up.

–Joe’s Pizza, Carmine & 6th Ave

Overheard by: james clunie

Conductor #1: If you are traveling with small child, the elderly, or the intoxicated, be sure to take them by the hand as there is a large gap between the train and the station platform.
Conductor #2: Dude, shut up.
Conductor #1: Roger that.

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: One of the intoxicated

Hobo: Got a cigarette you can spare?…Give me a cigarette!
Girl #1: Hey, fuck you.
Hobo: Yeah, fuck you too!
Girl #2: At least we have a home!
Hobo: Yeah, I got a home too. In your mother’s cunt, bitch!

–Broadway & Bleecker

Overheard by: Solanum

Guy #1: Hey, watch it! Jerk!
Guy #2: Get a bigger dog, asshole!
Guy #1: Be a smaller person!

–Bleecker & Perry

Overheard by: Zell