At the Airport

Wednesday One-Liners Have a Captive Audience

Pilot: In just a few minutes our flight attendants will be starting beverage and snack service, including Coca Cola products and five snack options. Please listen carefully, as FAA regulations strictly prohibit our flight attendants from repeating these options.

–Incoming flight, LaGuardia

Flight attendant on intercom: Well, everybody, sorry for that delay — the plane was late coming in from California. On the other hand, I have some good news: I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance.

–JFK

Overheard by: geico lizard

Gate attendant: We will be boarding this flight to Atlanta shortly, but this flight is overbooked. At this time, we’re asking for two volunteers to… Damn, bitch!

–LaGuardia

Overheard by: jaybrrd

Pilot on intercom: Ladies and gentlemen, we’d like to welcome you aboard and thank you for choosing, uh, JetBlue… This is JetBlue, right?

–JetBlue flight leaving JFK

Overheard by: Russ Wall

Flight attendant: We want to thank you for flying with us today and remind you that there’s no one who loves you or your money more than Delta.

–JFK

Overheard by: mrmcd

Flight attendant on intercom: Please turn off your cell phones, pagers, iPods, laptops… Basically, anything that is bringing you joy right now, just turn it off.

–JFK

Overheard by: babs standigio

Flight attendant on intercom after landing: Well, we’re here.

–LaGuardia

… But Seriously, Do I Look Fat?

Tourist kid to his brother: Shut up. There’s no such thing as a male anorexic. Right? And I’m not one of them.

–JetBlue Terminal, JFK

Overheard by: frequent flier

She Lived in the State of Manhattan, in the County of New York, in the Town of the US

Man: I just got back from the Dominican Republic!
Woman: The Dominican Republic? Where is that? Mexico?

–JFK

Overheard by: Gabi

I’m Pretty Sure She Means Harvard

Woman on cell: Yeah, my flight to Kansas City is delayed…Well it’s either this or back to the mental institution.

–Women’s restroom, LaGuardia Airport

Overheard by: morgan from missouri

This Actually Is How Policy Gets Made

Guy #1: I think she’s Mexican.
Guy #2: Nah, she can’t be Mexican, I’ve been there, they cute but short.
Guy #1: Yeah, now that you mention it, she is a little too tall to be Mexican, but I don’t care, I’ll still hit it.
Guy #2: I’ll hit it and help her get her papers if she doesn’t have them. I’m all for amnesty in the name of getting laid.

–JFK Airport

Overheard by: Tydestra, who speaks English

Broken Spanish Is the New Esperanto

A flight attendant on an Atlanta to NYC plane is attempting to communicate with two Israeli twentysomethings in broken Spanish.

Flight attendant to Israeli guy: Sir, por favor, sit down. If no sit, I will telephonar el capitan and he will have to turn off el engine. It will take una hora to get to the gate if that happens.
Guy: I don’t speak Spanish.
Flight attendant: What?
Guy: I don’t speak Spanish. Speak English!
Flight attendant: Fine. Sir, please take a seat. The fasten seatbelt sign is still lit. If you do not sit down, I will have to call el capitan.

–Landing strip

It Seems Long When You’re Listening to Don Henley

Man: Do you think a minute is the same in Egypt as it is in New York?
Woman: I guess so, I don’t know.
Man: ‘Cause you know that song “In a New York Minute,” I think a minute is different here. It’s probably shorter.

–American Airlines terminal, JFK

Wednesday One-liners for the Young

Teacher lady: Kids, kids…Quiet! Remember, no one else on this train likes children!

–F train

Overheard by: Erin Schulte

The Science That is Wednesday One-liners

Guy: Yeah, it’s like all three of our neurons are coming together right now.

–Hunter College

Overheard by: Phe

This Metric Stuff is Complicated

Teen girl #1: What’s a “fortnight”?
Teen girl #2: It’s British for “ten days”; like, “I’ll be gone for a fortnight.”
Teen girl #1: Oh yeah, that makes total sense.

–LaGuardia

Overheard by: GGary

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