Body Parts

Wednesday One-Liners Are Made of Meat

Man on cell: Dude, don’t worry about it — your urethra is only two inches long.

–St. Mark’s Place

Overheard by: LC

Skinny, sour-faced guy: Would you mind not clapping so loud? It hurts my ears.

–Big Apple Circus

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

College guy to friend: It’s just your body saying no, but after a while it stops.

–NYU dorm

20-something dude: My parents don’t think I am responsible enough to move to the city ever since I cut my fingers off.

–28th & 3rd

Conductor: I can’t move this train if you hangin’ halfway out of it. Move all the way in when the doors close. [Doors start to close, fail.] All the way in means no legs, arms, or asses be hangin’ out no doors!

–6 train, 77th St stop

The Price Is Right

Tween #1: Wow, that’s cute! He was gonna eat her booger for a hand job?
Tween #2: It was, like, a monster booger…

–Montague & Henry St, Brooklyn Heights

Why Are We Here, Then?

Little boy: What is that?
Mom: That’s a brain.
Little boy: Evil brain?
Mom: No, it’s not evil.

–Bodies Exhibit, South St Seaport

Wednesday One-Liners Are Up to $7.50 a Pack

Pilot on intercom: This is a non-smoking flight. Please do not smoke until… ever. Smoking is bad for you.

–American Airlines flight

Ghetto mom to lady with cigarette: Bitch, you just ashed on my baby!

–Outside Times Square Toys ‘R’ Us

Overheard by: trying not to ash on the stroller myself

Professor arguing with student: I’m just giving you a hard time. I accidentally bought the low-dose Nicotine gum, and it’s just not cutting it.

–100 Washington Sq East

Little girl: Mommy, you know how it’s cool to wear black? Maybe having black lungs is cool, too!

–Bodies Exhibit, South St Seaport

Conductor: As a reminder, there is no smoking allowed in the train restrooms. We know who you are.

–Amtrak Acela approaching Penn Station

Overheard by: wasn’t me

Red-faced white guy: Augh! I was just so mad at him! I couldn’t take it anymore. I hate that guy so much! I want to bust him in his face and take all his teeth. I’d grind ’em up and smoke them. Smoke his teeth right there in front of him.

–PATH, 9th St

Overheard by: Zenana

Chick: I think I’m going to take up smoking in order to make friends.

–Christopher & Bleecker

Instead of Pulling Out and Accidentally Ejaculating on Her Feet

Windbreaker guy: So, we go to dinner, and she tells me I’m boring, that we never do anything different.
Tweed blazer guy: So, what are you going to do?
Windbreaker guy: Next time we have sex I’m going to pull out and ejaculate on her feet.

–79th & Broadway

I Could Sell It and Buy Me Some Body Parts

Man to fat lady holding up traffic on the stairs: Excuse me, ma’am. Do you need a hand?
Fat lady: Do I need a hand? Yeah, I need a hand, a foot, an arm, a leg… Shit, nigga, I need a mink coat!

–Subway exit stairs, 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Anna Wolinsky

And Then Some More Steroids

Bimbette #1: My brain hurts. That Chemistry test made me think too much.
Bimbette #2: Well, yeah. I mean, you were using it, and it is the largest muscle in the human body.
Bimbette #1: Oh, right.
Bimbette #2: Wait… Or is it the heart?
Bimbette #1: No, I think your brain is definitely bigger. But who cares, I just want to pop some Advil.

–NYU

Overheard by: Amateur Brain Cardiologist

The New Title Will Be Vomit Victor

Guy #1: Why is it even called ‘Fear Factor‘? It has nothing to do with fear… It’s just gross.
Guy #2: Yeah, really. It should be called ‘Gross-out Factor.’
Guy #1: Think about it. It’s not like people are scared of eating… like… intestines. It’s just gross. People aren’t like, ‘Ahhh, intestines!’
Guy #2: Yeah, it’s not like I wake up in a cold sweat to intestines…

–R train

Find an Italian Couple and You Can Barter

Girl #1: Wow, did you know that you get, like, eight thousand dollars when you donate your eggs?
Girl #2: I am so doing that. I would buy a Fendi Spy Bag.

–Movie theater, Cobble Hill

Overheard by: Lia

Men: You Know, We Appreciate Looser Fashions

Girl #1: What do you think of this dress?
Girl #2: It’s cute! But, oh my god, what is that weird bulge?
Girl #1: Ew! This sucks, my hernia totally got bigger!
Girl #3 yelling from another stall: Did you just say your hernia got bigger?!
Girl #1: Shhh! I’m so embarrassed!
Girl #2: Don’t worry, it’s just Forever 21.

–Dressing room, Forever 21, Union Square

Overheard by: Gillian

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