Wednesday One-Liners Hire Professional Mourners

Drunk dude getting restrained: No, you don't understand. I could murder anyone! Not like my family. My family's all pussies… They're all Ricky Martin!

–Outside Nightcaps, Midwood

Dreadlocked lesbian: I can feel in my heart of hearts that you'll be okay, baby. You didn't kill anybody, you paid a guy to kill somebody.

–Lesbian Bar, Park Slope

Overheard by: gvw

Elderly Eastern European woman to elderly man: A dyke can kill three thousand woman! Most killer in de' world!

–Bedford Avenue & N 10th St, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Ken Thompson

Little boy exiting bathroom: You're not the only one alive here!

–Regal Cinemas, Union Square

Overheard by: MeiLi

Girl to friend: If I died, and you heard about it–please burn me.

–Astoria, 21st St

Professional woman to another: Well, because I know that you are opposed to genocide and everything…

–Union Square

Three-year-old black girl stabbing at her SpaghettiO's: Die cracker die!

–Day Care Center, Bedford-Stuyvesant, Brooklyn

Posted on September 10, 2008
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Astoria, Bars & Clubs, Black People, Boys, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Crime and Punishment, Death, Drunks, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Guys, Kids, Lesbians, Movie Theaters, Murder, Offers and requests, Old People, Park Slope, Threats, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness, Williamsburg, Women

We Just Don't Have the Upper Body Strength to Lift the Victory Trophies

Boy: So, why can guys flaunt their sexual conquests and girls can't?
Girl: Well duh, that's just how biology works!

–113th & Broadway

Posted on September 9, 2008
Boys, Compare/Contrast, Default, Gender issues, Girls, Questions, Science, Sexuality, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

Then Go With My Blessing, Caped Crusader

Mother of four-year-old boy (looking at display case): Wait up for me, Jack. Don't go on the escalator without me.
Four-year-old boy: It's okay, I can do it.
Mother of four-year-old: No, Jack. Wait for me.
Four-year-old boy: It's okay, mom. I can go up by myself.
Mother of four-year-old: Jack. Don't go up without me.
Four-year-old boy: Mom. It's okay. I can do it. I'm wearing my lucky Batman underwear.

–Macy's

Posted on September 6, 2008
Boys, Clothing, Default, Kids, Moms, Offers and requests, Store, Superheroes

Dandelions?

6th grader #1: Yo! Wanna go to the store and buy that new video game?
6th grader #2: Nah man, I can't. I gotta buy some weed today.

–Henry St & Clinton St

Posted on September 5, 2008
Boys, Default, Kids, Lower East Side, Offers and requests, Video Games, Weed, Weirdness

Ooo, Can I Get This Tankini?

Father to bored seven-year-old son: I have the Post and the Daily News, which one do you want?
Son: (takes newspaper skeptically)
Father: Go to page six.
Son: Why?
Father: That's where the girls in bikinis are.

–Penn Station

Posted on September 4, 2008
Advice, Boys, Dads, Default, Kids, Offers and requests, Penn Station, Sexuality

The Six Train's Your Escape Pod to Smallville

Four-year-old: I wanna be Superman!
Dad: No, you wanna be a police officer.
Four-year-old: I wanna be Superman!
Dad: Superman's not real.
Four-year-old: They say I can be whateva I want, I wanna be Superman!
Dad: Oh, I'm sorry lil' man. You Superman.

–6 Train

Overheard by: Chris K

Posted on August 31, 2008
Apologies, Boys, Compare/Contrast, Cops, Dads, Default, Kids, On the Subway, Superheroes, Wishes & desires

Your Real Parents Are Never Coming for You, Kid

(family stands facing the empire state building)
Tourist son: Mom, which one is the Empire State Building?
Tourist mom: I think it's the one with the circley top. (points to the Chrysler Building)
Tourist dad: No, honey, it's the one way out there, on the water.
Tourist son #2: That's the Statue of Liberty. (to no one in paritcular) I can't believe I'm part of this fucking family.

–Top of the Rock

Overheard by: Melissa

Posted on August 30, 2008
Boys, Dads, Default, Families, Family Ties, Kids, Moms, Questions, Stupidity, Tourism, Tourist Attractions, Tourists

What Mr. Clean Commercials Are Like in Europe

Girl to boy squeezing her boobs: Oh, you are cruising for a bruising.
Boy: Haha, like the one I gave you on the kitchen table this morning?
Girl: (laughs)
Boy (suddenly serious): Man, I hope nobody ate off of that.

–Pier 11

Overheard by: mentally reviewing everyplace I ate

Posted on August 29, 2008
Boys, Default, Girls, Laughter, Sexuality, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wishes & desires, Words

They're So Cute When They're Ignorant

Ten-year old boy: Dad, how long will it take to get to the World Trade Center?
Father: Well, it will take a while. We have to go through 14th Street, 9th Street, Christopher Street, Hoboken, Pavonia/Newport, then to Grove Street. Then at Grove Street we switch trains to go to the World Trade.
Ten-year old boy: Wow…and it's all 'cause of those damn terrorists!

–PATH train, 23rd Street

Posted on August 26, 2008
Boys, Dads, Default, Directions, Ground Zero, Kids, Manhattan, NYC Geography, Public Transportation, Questions, Terrorism, Trains Not Subway

Boys