Drunks

Wednesday One-Liners Know the Guys Down at Vice a Little Too Well

Sassy woman: No, no, no, no. What I don’t think you understand is, his parents are his mother and a pimp.

–33rd & 8th

Overheard by: Alex

Drunk girl: I don’t want to be sold for five dollars on the street!

–1st Ave between 2nd & 3rd

Overheard by: Kira

Record label coordinator: This company needs a hit like a crackwhore on payday.

–150 5th Ave

Addiction expert: I don’t think he’s addicted to porn, but I think he does, like, coke off hookers’ asses.

–6 train, 68th St

Old Jewess: I couldn’t tell if they were singers or prostitutes.

–1 train, 42nd St

Overheard by: Kimdog

Man on cell: So then the hooker walked in with a squeegee. Then I knew it had gone way too far!

–Times Square

Guy: She’s kind of the President of the Prostitute Guild.

–Hughes Ave, the Bronx

Overheard by: Jess McGins

The Technical Term Is ‘Crack Whore’

Drunk girl #1: I can’t believe he offered us $20 for that.
Drunk girl #2: We should have just took it. $20 is $20. We didn’t even have to do anything. We didn’t even have to look!
Drunk girl #1: Yeah, true, but can you imagine if those other two came around the corner while he was doing that.
Drunk girl #2: Yeah, you’re right. They would not only think we were crackheads, but prostitutes too.

–Woodlawn

Wednesday One-Liners Should Not Attempt to Operate Heavy Machinery

Girl on cell: Mom, are you drunk at Wal-Mart again?

–86th & Lex

Drunk man: I can’t believe they took Ray’s fucking Pizza out of the Ferry Terminal. How am I supposed to sober up before I go home now?

–Staten Island Ferry Terminal

Drunk guy: I have to move down to this end of the train because, if I don’t, I’m gonna hit that motherfucker down there. I know I only want to hit him because I’ve been drinking. If I wasn’t drinking, he wouldn’t bother me. If I had been drinking more, I’d just hit him. But right now I’m caught in a strange netherworld and I’ll just chill down here.

–1 train

Overheard by: Susan Elliott

Guy on cell: What? That ungrateful, lying bitch. I can drink more Jack through my dick than he could spill on a table!

–Times Square

Guy: Man, I don’t care if they call Protective Services on me. When my kid turns ten, I’ll be like, “You’re ready. Let’s go get hammered.” No fuckin’ way I’m waiting ’til he’s eleven.

–7th St & 2nd Ave

50-Something guy on cell: Yeah, I just spoke to Kate, and everything is wonderful. The liquor stores are open, and people are riding bicycles.

–1st Ave between 9th & 10th

Overheard by: LiAps

Enemy of Bill W.: If we pass a bar, do you guys mind stopping? I just need it chug a beer. It will literally take me 4 seconds.

–3rd St & 1st Ave

In the End, Common Interests Aren’t Enough to Prevent Homicides

Drunk girl: Kool-Aid is my most favorite drink in the whole world. When she moved in, it was like great, because it was like, “You love Kool-Aid, too? Awesome, we’re going to get along great.” But then it ended up, she tried to kill me with a steak knife.

–11th St & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Rick

She Believes There’s No Such Thing as Bad Publicity

Drunk ex-girlfriend: So what did you tell your friends you were doing tonight?
Frat boy: Going to the Mets game.
Drunk ex-girlfriend: No, really. What did they say?
Frat guy: “Hey, Dave*, what are you doing tonight?” “Going to the Mets game.” “With who?” “My ex.” “She hot?” “I’d do her again, for sure.”
Drunk ex-girlfriend: Oh, that’s so nice.

–Manhattan bound 7 train

But Then What Will He Use as a Toilet?

Hobo: Can you spare some change for the homeless?
Drunk girl: Yeah, right. Sell that backpack first.

–4th & Broadway

Overheard by: Andrew Schulte

Mr. Narcissus Kept Trying, Though

Drunken friend: That looks like the place to be! I’m going in that room.
Sober friend: Dude, that’s a mirror.

–Rivington & Clinton

I Hear This Is How Tom Paine Got Started

Drunk man: Where are all my taxes going?! To housing for people who can only make over $60,000 a year?! I don’t wanna pay for a stadium! Mayor Bloomberg is an asshole! The elections are coming up, people!
Business guy: So why don’t you run for office?
Drunk man: I ain’t running for office! I want the people to know! The elections are coming up! Bloomberg is an asshole!
Business guy: And who’d you vote for?
Drunk man: I didn’t vote! I was on parole!…I ain’t on parole anymo’!

–Brooklyn bound J train

Overheard by: Cara

In Vino Veritas

Girl: Enjoy your party! Everyone here loves you!
Birthday boy: Ehh.
Girl: Everyone here loves alcohol!
Birthday boy: Better.

–Revival Bar, 15th & Irving

Usually She Just Gets Raped and Then Goes Home

Girl #1: So I played that drinking game, flip cup, the other day.
Girl #2: Oh man, that game is the best. Last time I played it, I ended up falling out a window.

–The Gap, Columbus Ave

Overheard by: Mandy

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