Drunk southern sailor: Yo! Where can we get some punani? Dave needs to milk it! I have a girlfriend, and he’s got a girlfriend, but I’m throwing that to the wind and getting on it
Sailor #2: No way man, we’re in our whites.
–12th St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: cp
Old drunk guy: You guys know anything about health and nutrition?
Guy: Clearly not, as we’re drinking beer.
Old drunk guy: Oh… Good point. Well, this may be weird, but remember the Holocaust? Yeah, the Germans found out that the best diets are when you eat the same thing that you’re made of. You know… They learned this because, you know, they would feed families to one another but nobody else realized it. This is why it’s good to eat red meat. Yeah, pretty crazy huh? Ok, bye.
Guy: Yikes.
–Ryan’s Daughter, 85th & 1St
Overheard by: Greg
Bouncer: Your ID doesn’t scan…
Drunk boy: Are you kidding? I paid extra for scanable.
–Mercury Bar
Drunk queer #1: Hey, let’s get some food!
Drunk queer #2: I don’t have any money!
Drunk queer #1: That’s alright. Papi will pay…if you nibble his foreskin!
Drunk queer #2: Alright. Where do you wanna go?
–17th & 5th
Sassy woman: No, no, no, no. What I don’t think you understand is, his parents are his mother and a pimp.
–33rd & 8th
Overheard by: Alex
Drunk girl: I don’t want to be sold for five dollars on the street!
–1st Ave between 2nd & 3rd
Overheard by: Kira
Record label coordinator: This company needs a hit like a crackwhore on payday.
–150 5th Ave
Addiction expert: I don’t think he’s addicted to porn, but I think he does, like, coke off hookers’ asses.
–6 train, 68th St
Old Jewess: I couldn’t tell if they were singers or prostitutes.
–1 train, 42nd St
Overheard by: Kimdog
Man on cell: So then the hooker walked in with a squeegee. Then I knew it had gone way too far!
–Times Square
Guy: She’s kind of the President of the Prostitute Guild.
–Hughes Ave, the Bronx
Overheard by: Jess McGins
Drunk girl #1: I can’t believe he offered us $20 for that.
Drunk girl #2: We should have just took it. $20 is $20. We didn’t even have to do anything. We didn’t even have to look!
Drunk girl #1: Yeah, true, but can you imagine if those other two came around the corner while he was doing that.
Drunk girl #2: Yeah, you’re right. They would not only think we were crackheads, but prostitutes too.
–Woodlawn
Girl on cell: Mom, are you drunk at Wal-Mart again?
–86th & Lex
Drunk man: I can’t believe they took Ray’s fucking Pizza out of the Ferry Terminal. How am I supposed to sober up before I go home now?
–Staten Island Ferry Terminal
Drunk guy: I have to move down to this end of the train because, if I don’t, I’m gonna hit that motherfucker down there. I know I only want to hit him because I’ve been drinking. If I wasn’t drinking, he wouldn’t bother me. If I had been drinking more, I’d just hit him. But right now I’m caught in a strange netherworld and I’ll just chill down here.
–1 train
Overheard by: Susan Elliott
Guy on cell: What? That ungrateful, lying bitch. I can drink more Jack through my dick than he could spill on a table!
–Times Square
Guy: Man, I don’t care if they call Protective Services on me. When my kid turns ten, I’ll be like, “You’re ready. Let’s go get hammered.” No fuckin’ way I’m waiting ’til he’s eleven.
–7th St & 2nd Ave
50-Something guy on cell: Yeah, I just spoke to Kate, and everything is wonderful. The liquor stores are open, and people are riding bicycles.
–1st Ave between 9th & 10th
Overheard by: LiAps
Enemy of Bill W.: If we pass a bar, do you guys mind stopping? I just need it chug a beer. It will literally take me 4 seconds.
–3rd St & 1st Ave
Drunk girl: Kool-Aid is my most favorite drink in the whole world. When she moved in, it was like great, because it was like, “You love Kool-Aid, too? Awesome, we’re going to get along great.” But then it ended up, she tried to kill me with a steak knife.
–11th St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Rick
Drunk ex-girlfriend: So what did you tell your friends you were doing tonight?
Frat boy: Going to the Mets game.
Drunk ex-girlfriend: No, really. What did they say?
Frat guy: “Hey, Dave*, what are you doing tonight?” “Going to the Mets game.” “With who?” “My ex.” “She hot?” “I’d do her again, for sure.”
Drunk ex-girlfriend: Oh, that’s so nice.
–Manhattan bound 7 train
Hobo: Can you spare some change for the homeless?
Drunk girl: Yeah, right. Sell that backpack first.
–4th & Broadway
Overheard by: Andrew Schulte
