What Would Wednesday One-Liners Do?

Teen boy: So I was watching one of those independent channels, and I saw this weird movie called Jesus Christ Superstar. Have you heard of it? It’s from the 70’s, so the camera work is really bad, but it’s not in black and white or anything. The best part is that Herod is all big and fat and he sings this funny song, like, “You’re the king of the Jews!” It’s a pretty funny movie. You know, except they, like, kill Jesus at the end.

–Q train

Overheard by: A White Bear

Girl: You know, I don’t think Jesus ever asked Mary Magdalene to kiss his balls.

–1849 Bar, Bleecker St

Drunk guy: Jesus saved me already, you fucking cunt!

–Park Slope

Overheard by: braincurve

Chick: Whatever. I could’ve annihilated Jesus at beer pong.

–Trump Building, Wall St

Overheard by: You know who

Girl on cell: Listen, the only ass I kiss is Jesus Christ. Got that?

–Key Food, 235th St

Overheard by: Miriam

Posted on July 12, 2006
All Wednesday One-Liners, BJs, Drunks, Jesus, Movies, Murder, On Cell, On the Subway, Park Slope, Teens, The Bronx, The Village, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport

I’ll Try Anything Once

Carson Kressley, on cell: It was so worth being sober and well-behaved.

–elevator, Avenue of the Americas

Overheard by: SJB

Posted on July 6, 2006
D-List, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Elevators, One-liners

Upon Contact With Chuck Norris, They Annihilate Each Other

Old-lady candy-pusher: I be sellin’ candy for the school. I have M&Ms and Jujyfruits and Almond Joy with and without the nuts.
Drunken gay guy: Nobody wants your candy. It probably has razor blades in it and shit. Just go away.
Old-lady candy-pusher: Look at you talkin’. You are the anti man!

–downtown 2 train

Overheard by: Stefanie

Posted on July 4, 2006
Assholes, Business and Commerce, Comebacks, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Junk Food & Fast Food, Old People, On the Subway, Queer guys, Women

Himself… And Six Million Pissed-Off Ghosts

Drunk white man: Hey, sir. “Knish” is spelled wrong.
Indian cashier: What?
Drunk white man: The food behind the case here. You spelled “knish” wrong, and I’ve told you guys before and it still hasn’t been fixed. Look, buddy, I’ve come in here ten times in the last week. I’ve told three other employees that the spelling is wrong, and next time I come in here it better be spelled right or the Jews are gonna come kill you.

Drunk white man storms out.

Indian cashier: That man is fucking crazy. It’s knish. Is it even spelled wrong?
Woman: No. He just forgot to take his meds and now the Jews are gonna come and kill you. And by “the Jews” he means himself.

–Organic food store, 19th & 3rd

Overheard by: Boo Radley

Posted on June 27, 2006
Cashiers, Drunks, Judaism, Kosher food, Murder, Store, Threats, Union Square and East Village, Words

Depends on the Face

Barfly: It was a term of endearment.

Bouncer: A term of endearment is not punching someone in the face.

–2×4, 2nd Ave & 4th St

Overheard by: Cait O’Connor (and Foley)

Headline by: Dave Barnette

Runners-Up:

· “And Assault Isn’t A Spice, Either” – Kathy

· “Aww, you just feel left out.” – Alaine

· “He Said He Wanted Another Hit” – Playtah

· “He’s playing hard to get” – Jeri Rosenblum

· “C’mon, it’s not like she was pregnant…” – laura c

· “It doesn’t count if you don’t leave a mark.” – Scott

· “Welcome to New York” – shorty

· “Another dropout from the school of hard knocks” – jm

· “Barflies Mate Every 48 Hours” – red

· “No, That’s a Term of Three To Ten” – Boyhowdy

· “Dad has a lot of explaining to do” – Mr. Uncreative

· “For endearment, you tend to go for the groin” – ruth

· “Tyler Durden: The Final Years” – Mr. Nobody

· “Punchline” – Robert Katz

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Posted on June 22, 2006
Bars & Clubs, Bouncers, Drunks, Headline Contest Winners, Punch, Stupidity, Talking/Convos, Terms of Endearment

Consider It an Investment, Just Like a Lottery Ticket

Drunk guy: It doesn’t mean anything! It’s just green paper! It doesn’t mean anything!
Woman #1: Then why don’t you throw it out?
Drunk guy: Fine! [Throws bill onto subway tracks] If it means so much to you, why don’t you go get it?
Woman #1: Yo, that was five-dollar bill!
Woman #2: For reals?

Train comes and passes.

Drunk guy: Hey, it’s gone. ..Where’s my money?

–Franklin St station

Overheard by: Melissa Coppola

Posted on June 17, 2006
Drunks, Money & Class, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport

And Don’t Call Me Roger

Conductor #1: If you are traveling with small child, the elderly, or the intoxicated, be sure to take them by the hand as there is a large gap between the train and the station platform.
Conductor #2: Dude, shut up.
Conductor #1: Roger that.

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: One of the intoxicated